Wrecky Repost: Beaux Is A Poet (of sorts)

Oh mercy… This one ranks up there with the 6000 Word Personal Ad, only more stupider with a touch of redneck.

And it rhymes. Well… He attempts to have some sort of rhyming pattern, though honestly, it made me want to scoop out my eyeballs with a spoon. I’ve gone ahead and edited it down to some random assortment of stanzas because, in the original post, it was just randomly laid out.

Ladies, meet Beaux:

beaux Wrecky Repost: Beaux Is A Poet (of sorts)

He comes complete with a lifetime supply of Duke’s Pomade and the classic “Ironic Mustache”. Most of his house has animal print, including his bath towels and you’ll feel secure knowing that there’s a chain lock on the bathroom door for your privacy.

Brace yourselves for the subtle stylings of one AMAZINGLY poetic genius.

I’ve bolded the parts that really ZING.

I allready found who Iwanted 2 C & this is what I said 2 She – 41 (tucson)

I would’nt mind a woman who is smarter than me especialy if she can spell and can understand
html and the internet you see

Couple of yrs ago I started a charity to raise money for childrens charities and me
tried building a website for that, but it’s so bad I should be slapped
so I came up with this prayer you see;

Some day some day God give to me
a woman who is better than me
a woman who can take my ideas
make them successful for you
the children and she
all I want in return my master
is a way to spred it faster

I hope I’m not asking for to much
but if it’s in your will
you will give her your loving touch

and maybe with this new find
I will continue to be loving and kind

I’m not saying that I will always do right
remember I still have the devil to fight

but if You give me a chance to help me find this romance
I will give all the glory to you when I dance my last dance

Thank you oh Mighty One, now I’ll go and try to get er done
with or without that woman you see, or my name ain’t Beaux.B

You maybe young or You maybe old
I just want your love to be bold

Short or tall really dosen’t matter
looking for inner beauty for my heart to shatter

You could be chunky or skinny
but if you don’t touch my heart
you won’t get my benny’s

You can be rich or poor
but if you can’t make me laugh
I’ll show you the door

You can be a beautiful blonde, brunette or red-head
I’m telling you it takes more than that to share my bed

Your skin could be olive, light or dark
but you have to be a good hearted woman
to hear me bark

I’ve had em young
I’ve had em old
but the best one I never had
gave good tongue and
yet had a heart of gold

If you are not willing to give up your number
that’s ok I’ll just find someone else to share
my slumber

I would want to meet you in person
not just share pictures
I need to know
if we make a good mixture

I”m looking for a woman who can hold her own
the sweets of my ass are ready to be sown

It’s nice to know that you have great tits and ass
but I need a woman who can fill my half empty glass

So many good women have passed me by
even though they have caught my eye

They don’t realise that I’m just to shy
to say how-ya do’in or even hi!

They could be the spring in the middle of my busy city
but if they pass me by I’ll give them no pity

You see some day the right one will see my charm
she will be the only one holding my arm

I understand if you think you aren’t interested in some one like me
Hey ya-no you may be missing out on someone You never took the time to see

If youre into love, like You can see that I am
You need to respond before I find another loving Mam

I really would like to meet ya’ today
but if your too busy, I guess that would be ok

Tomorow could be nice too

but I really wouldn’t wana bother You

Maybe You could check your black book
I may be that one guy who’s worth a second look

Maybe you’ll be sorry if you passed me by
We could have been that crazy couple
always f__cking till we’re high!

It could turn out to be every night and day
but since you passed me by only I can say
NO! I’m not full of myself
What I have to offer is tired of being just stock on a shelf

It’s nice to know that we both like great sex
but If that all there is I’ll wait for the next

I want a woman who can light my fire-
I feel like I’m walking a tight wire-
It’s been over a year since the last love expired

One- step, two-step, three-step, it’s all the same to me
as long as the woman is really a she

I don’t want a woman who’s materialistic
I’d rather a woman who thinks realistic

I’m forty-one years young but I’m set in my ways
I’d like a good woman to bring joy to my life
before I start getting grays

I’ve always wanted young’ins to be in my life
but that won’t happen ’til I find a good wife

If you’re looking for a middle-aged man
with alot of time to understand
then don’t be bashful, send me a text
I could be the one to be with you next

Don’t try to send me to a web sex club-
I can find the same kinda whores at the local pub
That’s not what I want if you know what I mean
My future needs more than tight fitting jeans

Women are like flowers that need care all the time
not just on holidays and anniversary time
I am looking for love
so won’t you check me out
If you’re my special Dove

I will treat You nice, no doubt
I smoke all the time and I drink too
so don’t waste your time if this matters to You

I am not predjudice I’m not into hate
If you’re a good woman I’m up for a date

Some say beauty is in the eyes of the beholder
I’d like to think they’re right, now that I’m older

Some say beauty is only skin deep
I’d like a woman who’s inner beauty will make my heart weep

I like music and I like to dance
I like a woman who’s into romance

I’m not into hip hop, rap or classic
if you are, that’s not to drastic

Please don’t judge my book by it’s cover
I won’t judge your’s by comparing you with your mother

If you want to have sex right of the bat
go somewhere else cause I’m better than that

(I’m not saying that I don’t want it or that it will never happen
I’m just saying I want to know You before I do that snap-in).

If you’re into drugs or like to smoke pot
move on down the road to another toad
because those two I’m not

If you like to shoot pool, throw darts and tear up the town
then you’ve found the right man who’s sometimes a clown

I like movies, concerts and I love to bowl
any good night with you is my ultimate goal

Some say if you want a man’s heart you start at his belly
what works for me is when you scratch my back
cause I turn into jelly

I am a monogamist so I won’t mess around
if You are with me and I am with You
then we are no longer lost since we have both been found

I don’t like to cook but I make a mean barbecue
I’d rather leave the cooking to the resturants and You

I’m just a Cajun in this desert
that’s who I am
I’m not rich or poor
I don’t sing in a band
I have a very deep voice
if you really must know
I have callaced hands
when there is work available
I am eager to go

I have been self-employed
most of my adult life
I can’t wait for the economy to turn around
because it has cut my finances like a knife

Some times lately I’ve had to
“work for the man”
but I will allways return to self-employement
because that’s really who I am

I’m not short, fat or tall
but my hair I have mostly all

I’m not built like a brick
and I’m not really small
I would say I’m average
but weak I am not at all

I have no children
I don’t own any guns
I kinda live like Sanford and Sons

My first wife dissapered in 1987
don’t know if she is alive or up in heaven

My secound wife cheated on me
I should of seen the divorce comming
but I was to busy making the money

I don’t go to church
but I’m a God fearing man
I believe in creation
from the trees to the sand

I hang out where every- one
knows my name
if you gave me a reason
I could stay at home and
feel the same

I don’t date strippers or whores you see
I want a woman who would only
show her naked body to
the doctor or me

IF YOU HAVE NAUGHTY PICTURES
POSTED ON THE WEB
DON’T CONTACT ME
I WOULD NEVER CONSIDER YOU TO WED

I hope you noticed
the last lines were in cap’s
this is very important to me
I won’t put up with that kinda crap!

Sometimes I go to places with Kareoke
sometimes I even like to sing
but I mostly hang out at J & V’s place
at Oracle and King

That’s it for now, I really must go.

Oh, by the way, my name is Beaux……….

If you get my auto-e-mail, I’m sorry to all
but the best way to contact is ‘give me a call’

I only check my e-mails about one or two times a week
I’m a man of few words ’til I need to speak

You can wait for me to check out your response
or call me direct – I mightbe your new Fonz

Please don’t ask me to go to a diferrent site
I’m not giving up my credit card number
just so you feel allright.

Those age verification sites are not what they seam
that kinda crap just makes me want to srceam!

Any one could put whatever they wanted there
and you think that would protect you from whomever would dare

Just to make you feel safe when you meet face to face
maybe you should try only meeting in a very public place

You could find a date buddy
and try not to dress so slutty.

Heres mine I was born Jan 12 1968
I will not give up my cc number just to go on a date

I’m awake at four and asleep by eleven
give me some contact if you believe in heaven

About three stanzas in, I was like, “Aw, bless this guy’s heart. He’s trying so hard! So sweet!”

About ten stanzas in, he started to get on my nerves — but like an old man with Alzeheimer’s. You can’t really get MAD because, aww… lookit’im!

Half way through, I started to hate him. And the only saving grace was being allowed to bold the portions that were just ridiculous.

By the end of it, like I said, I was ready to spoon my own eyes out… And eat them. Omnomnom.

1,753 words, guys. It stretched across seven pages when I dropped it into word. At what point, when reading this would anyone be stirred to want to respond??