Date Wrecks:

Business first, kids. As some of you might recall, I had intentions of writing about a certain dwarf today… I was going to post some of his poetry and share a portion of his exchange with our brave reader, Kato. I was going to tell you how during the seemingly innocuous conversation, he sent her a cock picture entitled “lubed up” (NSFW) and then jerked himself off over IM while Kato sat frozen, unable to type anything into her computer. I was also going to tell you about how he was so generous to offer Kato a description of the virtual pearl necklace he bestowed upon her. And not just me, but Miki was coming back for a reunion and PC was going to join in… AND I had an idea for a killer Music Video we were going to put together to cover a Wiggles song — I promise it was topical.

But I can’t… I can’t because Thomas Lance or whatever the fuck the dwarf’s name is decided he wanted to be a fucking frilly pantied bitch and posted this comment on our teaser post last week. Apparently, Thomas is stupid. I mean, as if we didn’t gather that from his original OkCupid profile. Thomas doesn’t know jackshit about copyright laws. He doesn’t seem to understand that if I’m giving him credit on his work that he’s… getting… CREDIT FOR IT. Dipshit.

But all of this to say, I thought long and hard about this decision. And here’s what I decided: Date Wrecks in not in this to RUIN lives (though, the argument could be made that if you’re on DW, your life is already pretty much at the bottom of the barrel). If Thomas is going go get his panties in a twist and can’t stand proudly behind his creative work, then so be it… But let me tell you, that shit that me and Miki wrote was FUNNY. OMG. No joke. And I could practically hear PC cracking his knuckles, ready to let ol’ Tommy Boy have it. Okay, business meeting adjourned. Let’s get to today’s HSSS!

PC: Jami, this guy can’t be for real.  He must have put this profile up as some sort of a joke, or a social experiment.  Please tell me he’s a psych major, and his thesis is on ways to protect women against being scalded by a piping hot cup of d-bag.

TiGSMODE : THE MANG BABY!

ABOUT ME:

Tall | Blonde | Blue | Tanned | Perfect teeth

PC: Is this Avatar?  I think this might be Avatar.  Or maybe The Smurfs.

Jami: Did the Smurfs have teeth? And the only Smurf with blonde hair was the chick… Uh-oh!

PC: No, it’s definitely Avatar.  They hand out those shades at the IMAX theater.

My company and career are both terrific to me and I’m a successful individual. I work extremely hard at everything that I apply myself to, and I’m finding that my spare time is becoming more and more valuable each and every day… so please don’t waste it =)

PC: Way to dazzle the broads with your mastery of vagueness.  I like to imagine this guy’s speaking voice as anyone in the cast of “Jersey Shore”.

Jami: [totally fist bumping and dancing to techno... with a tan]

My family is super important to me due to the fact that everyone else in this world seems to think that hating a successful person far outweighs being inspired by them.

Jami: I think he’s talking to us, PC.

PC: Here’s a tip.  When “everyone else in this world” hates you… it probably has nothing to do with your “success”.  The good news?  You have inspired me to throw away every pair of sunglasses I own that look like replicas of ski goggles.  However, since I don’t own any sunglasses like that, just to be safe, I threw away my ski goggles.

Jami: You have inspired me, Tanner McDoucheGoggles, to go moisturize my skin. Tanned skin in your twenties is cute. In your thirties, it starts to make you look like aged leather. I don’t really have a desire to kiss, cuddle, or canoodle with something that looks like my dad’s wallet.

ABOUT YOU:

I’m looking for a WOMAN that is sucessful or at least on the path to becoming so. I’m also looking for someone who is past the ignorant “chase me” games, mainly due to the fact that I’m 27 not 18 anymore.

Jami: Check… A [shouting] WOMAN who can’t spell successful. And something about chasing somebody, but I can’t be clear on who is chasing who.

My advice for the GIRLS on here would be to grow some t*ts and maybe rather than sitting on this site all day helplessly waiting for validation and a credit card to max out, take a risk for once in your life. Honestly, men do it all the time and this is clearly why we’re the more dominant sex

PC: Ah, yes, “grow some tits”.  Now that he’s “27 not 18 anymore”, his maturity has certainly given him the ability to turn a phrase.

Jami: What am I doing wrong here? I didn’t realize we could grow some tits. SWEET. Mammary-overload, here I come! So, men max out their credit cards, go into debt, and ruin their credit score and this makes them the more dominant sex? GOD… I really have been asleep in class. Also, it should be noted, this profile is from PLENTY OF FISH — THE LARGEST FREE DATING SITE ON THE INTERNET. Fucking DoucheGoggle.

I really don’t appologize if that sounds brutal because right now so is our economy, and with that being said I think it’s really quite fair for me to expect the same output from a woman that she will NO DOUBT get from me.

PC: The economy must be brutal, because despite all his success, he’s posting on a completely free dating site, home to many of the scariest women I have ever met, second only to craigslist.

Jami: He really does sound like every girl’s dream. I’m sure he’ll find the love of his life on POF. Need I remind you that we found Pinky LongTits, Mmrraow EyeMakeupowski, and… I can’t go on.

Here on Plenty of Fish you’ve been given plenty of space to tell people about yourself, so use it. I don’t have time to waste getting to know a woman with plenty of baggage that could have been easily mentioned on your profile.

PC: “I’m too busy having my car professionally detailed.  Did you see my car?  I have a car.  Please take note of my car, I posted two pictures of it.”

Jami: Seriously! Who THE FUCK CARES ABOUT YOUR GOD DAMNED CAR, DOUCHEGOGGLES?! And really, it’s two cars PC but do you know what a guy in twenties with two cars says to me? “My daddy still pays my insurance.”

ONLY CONTACT ME IF:

A) Your profile is not entirely composed of neck & up photos.
B) You have at least one photo posted of you with NO make-up.
C) You have a vehicle.
D) You have a career. Not a job.
E) Your looks aren’t directly related to how useless you are.
F) OMG NO KIDS already!!! If you have kids and no daddy to support them because you chased him away somehow that was ur mistake; don’t look to make it mine.
G) If your profile says “average” for your body type then believe that most guys know what that means. I would much rather see the truth up front than having to analyze your photos or waste my time meeting with you to figure it out.

PC: Good plan.  You always want to go out of your way to demean and insult the gender that you are trying to put your penis inside of.

Jami: What does “Your looks aren’t directly related to how useless you are” even mean? And really, it’s only fair that he HE post a picture of himself without makeup if he’s going to demand one from his potential match, right?