He Said — She Said — You Said: I Think Her Eyes Are Following Me
He Said -- She Said — By Jami on January 26, 2010 at 11:20 pm
If you don’t know how this works, listen up, kids. He Said — She Said — You Said invites you, the ever-loyal reader and commenter, to step forth into the spotlight and write this post as you see fit. Your comments can be as long as you need them to be. Act fast and keep your audience’s attention and they’ll show their love for you by thumbing you, er… Um… Giving you the thumbs up. Right, yes… The commenter with the most thumbs up by Friday at 8pm Eastern will win a guest writing spot with either The Personals Critic or myself on a He Said — She Said in the near future. Ready? Aaaaand, GO!
playgirl1957
52 / F / Straight / Single
Manchester, Connecticut
I am sexy, sensual and hot.
My Self-Summary
i AM NOT LOOKING FOR SEX. I CAN GET THAT ANYTIME I WANT. I AM LOOKING FOR A BOY FREIND THAT LIKE SEX AS MUCH AS I DO
I am a sexy sensual Italian women seeking a man. looking to be seduced by a gentleman that knows how to respect a woman and yet give me sexy and sensual and hard rough sex at the same time. I will host you when you come over unless you want me to come over your place, when you come over the lights will be off as we touch, caress, kiss, and lick every part of each other. I live alone in my own place, I am single, I am very clean, I have no diseases, I am above all very Discreet if you need me to be and expect you to be so too. I am 5 5about 188 lbs and I can use that weight to slam into you just as hard and deep as you need it, I have bluel eyes, soft hands to better hold and cup your body and soft hands to grip you hard you need me too i ,have been told, very kissable lips that enjoy long deep passionate french kisses and is very good at oral sex or so I have been told, a well wants that lasts longer than 5 minutes and the cock gets hot and shoots cum even hotter. I have a high sex drive, I enjoy sex, I fall asleep wanting sex, needing sex and I wake in the morning wanting sex again. You will find the experience pleasurable exciting unique and rare.
What I’m doing with my life
working. having fun
I’m really good at
loving My man. taking care of all his needs and mine
The first things people usually notice about me
my tits
The six things I could never do without
sex
love
food
housing
kissing
I spend a lot of time thinking about
sex
On a typical Friday night I am
playing with myself
The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I have not found Mr Right, just Mr wrong.
You should message me if
looking or a LTR
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55 Comments
Oh, God! This is impossible. All I can think about is how much she looks like Dorothy Zbornak (apologies, Bea). I’m a straight woman, and even my testicles are shrinking back at the thought of this woman whipping me around the bedroom. Just… leave me alone. I can’t take it.
Super Lurve
17 
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I agree. It’s like Bea is about to go on a murderous rampage.
Look at the EYES!!
*shudders and checks the locks on the doors*
She seriously doesn’t have any more recent photos? Why would you pick your awful 1993 glamour shot when asking for men to, um, ‘see’ you?
I’m not even going to get into the content…. I just can’t do it right now…
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I thought the glamour shot was more like 1983. And her hair definitely is.
She looks like those awful photos of the author on the back of bad romance novels. It’s all there–the big hair, the attempted-seductive pout, the outdated jewelry.
Super Lurve
9 
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Nope, it is about around 1991-1993 era since I have some of those horrible glamour shots as well. It seems they give the same bad poofy hairstyles even to pre-teens. UGH!
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Wow, she’s from the town next to where I grew up. Lovely.
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“i AM NOT LOOKING FOR SEX. I CAN GET THAT ANYTIME I WANT. I AM LOOKING FOR A BOY FREIND THAT LIKE SEX AS MUCH AS I DO”
How interesting… i AM NOT LOOKING FOR A SANDWICH. I LIVE RIGHT NEXT TO A SUBWAY. I AM LOOKING FOR TASTY LUNCH MEAT BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD.
Glad we’ve cleared that up. Now, where to start…
“…when you come over the lights will be off as we touch, caress, kiss, and lick every part of each other”
1) THANK GOD FOR LIGHT SWITCHES!
2) Every part? Every? Maybe it’s me but I’d prefer things like my eyeballs and internal organs be left alone.
“I can use that weight to slam into you just as hard and deep as you need it, I have bluel eyes, soft hands to better hold and cup your body and soft hands to grip you hard you need me too i ,have been told”
There is nothing I like better than bluel eyes and broken ribs, at least she’s got soft hands.
“…a well wants that lasts longer than 5 minutes and the cock gets hot and shoots cum even hotter.”
*crickets*
I think this section is best read in Lassie form, “What’s that girl? A Well? Lasts longer than 5 minutes? Cock gets hot? Lassie what does this have to do with Timmy? Is Timmy in the well?”
Apparently she was staring into the orb of confusion while writing that first sentence about not looking for sex…
“On a Typical Friday Night I am… Playing with Myself”
AAAAUUUGGHHH!!! Jami, grab the brain bleach, that is some serious Freak Bacon right there.
Super Lurve
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Dang, here comes Paige!
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Gotta love the Glamour Shot profile picture.
Super Lurve
5 
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Bea Arthur died, good thing this woman (?) can stand in during the golden girls reunion.
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“When you come over the lights will be off”. So you don’t see my five o’clock shadow.
Super Lurve
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Yeah, I was pretty sure that was so she could better hide her penis. Really, that guy is 5 years younger than my mom, and in that 20+ year old glamour shot, s/he looks 10 years older. And don’t say that it’s an Italian thing — my mom’s Italian and she doesn’t look anything like an aging transvestite.
It’s nice to know she’s not looking for sex, but she wakes up in the morning wanting sex. I’m not interested in her “pleasurable exciting unique and rare” sex, either. She probably has some sort of rare sexually transmitted diseases that are unique to her and anyone who’s been spelunking in her lady-cave. *shudder*
Super Lurve
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remember, she said “Discrete”. Yeah, RuPaul was discrete too. Tell “her” not to scream when you pull the duct tape off of her inner thighs, in her darkened room.
My fingertips threw up a little while typing that.
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I am so happy she typed IN BLOCK LETTERS that she (?) was not looking for sex. The rest of the ad could have fooled me.
Granted, I am a foreigner and not a very good judge, but aren’t her spelling and syntax terrible?
Also, the photo would be perfect on the cover of a book on a black widow. She even looks like Belle Gunness (estimated body count 40).
Super Lurve
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Aha! That’s two of us that agree that the photo looks like a bad book-photo…
Perhaps I was wrong about the romance-novel similarities–this is more like one of those scary True Crime biographies. “She used predictable and fairly unimaginative, yet explicit come-ons online to lure unsuspecting men…to their DOOM! Beware, beware the siren call and creepy flat stare of the Playgirl Murderess!”
Super Lurve
14 
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You know they never found Belle this just might be her reincarnated. Or someting whatever
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I feel SO sorry for the cameraman that took the photo. She’s obviously flashing her bedroom eyes, and I bet you approximately three seconds after the flash, she slammed all 188lbs. into the poor guy and gave him a good licking. *shudder* Well, we can guess that she at least was DISCREET about mounting him.
The first thing people notice about her are her tits? I don’t believe that. She has “soft hands to better hold and cup your body and soft hands to grip you hard.” How can she think people are staring at her breasts when they are obviously STARING AT HER TWO SETS OF HANDS. While both pairs are soft, it seems she uses one set for sensual cuddling and the other set when roughing things up. I guess that could keep her from getting bored during her personal time on Friday nights, and it would explain how she can “[take] care of all his needs and mine.” She’s the ultimate multi-tasker in the bedroom!
In the “You should message me if” section, she says, “Looking or a LTR.” Out of context most people would assume that she means, “Looking for a LTR,” but in her profile the “or” makes more sense. I do believe the section should read, “You should message me if you’re looking to have discreet, rough, spitty sex with a four-armed woman, OR if you want a LTR with one.”
Super Lurve
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*snort* two pairs of hands.
It’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Hands.
Super Lurve
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“You should message me if you’re looking to have discreet, rough, spitty sex with a four-armed woman, OR if you want a LTR with one.”
I won’t recommend drinking anything while reading that lone, as I now need a new monitor – Thx!
Also, I’m glad someone else picked up on the multi sets of hands she has.
Super Lurve
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“i AM NOT LOOKING FOR SEX.”
“I have a high sex drive, I enjoy sex, I fall asleep wanting sex, needing sex and I wake in the morning wanting sex again. ”
“The six things I could never do without: sex…”
“I spend a lot of time thinking about: sex”
It’s good she was so clear about what she’s NOT looking for. This ad totally calls for a nice coffee date, no? She’s probably one of those people who gets all pissed off when men read this and message her something dirty.
Also? She looks scary psycho. I’m not a guy, but I would think the idea of putting any appendage near that face would be enough to make said appendage jump off the body and run far, far away.
Super Lurve
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I got stuck on “I am very clean.” Juxtaposed with the licking all over I can’t help thinking she’s a cat.
Super Lurve
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The name explains it all “playgirl 1957″. S/he was the centerfold for PlayGirl that year. Sometime in the seventies a trip to Sweden and a couple operations later and now he is a she. This explains he lantern jaw and the aggressive stare.
Super Lurve
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No, shit… I was waiting for someone to mention that!
Do you guys understand how HARD it is for me to post the profile and NOT make any comments??? AUGH. It’s torture!
Super Lurve
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Tony V. put in to words what I was thinking but couldn’t verbalize. This profile lost me at “I am a sexy sensual women” .
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Thank you! There’s no way that’s not a man.
“You will find the experience pleasurable exciting unique and rare.”
Sorry sweetie. Sex with a man-turned-woman is not unique or rare. And I doubt it will be pleasurable OR exciting for the unlucky man who lifts up your skirt and finds man junk in there. Or man-junk-turned-lady-bits. Whatever.
Super Lurve
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Damn… So much to comment on… I will attack the living hell out of this woman-like creature later, but I officially disqualify myself from the contest because it’s the first week of full classes and I don’t have time to mock anyone properly. Which is a shame, because there’s just so much to mock here.
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But remember.. Not looking for sex. Nosiree. Not even gonna bring up the subject.
Super Lurve
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So…what’s the male equivalent of the *clank* sound?
Super Lurve
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Shrink?
Super Lurve
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Retract!
Super Lurve
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I’m not sure “shrink” or “retract” quite resonate nearly as well as “clank”. They’re both nice though.
Not that I could do better here. I can’t really think of a single key word to sum up how I feel about this. All I can think of is,
“I believe my genitals have just retracted up into my ribcage.”
And that takes too long to say.
Super Lurve
8 
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the sound of a tape measure winding in. But that takes too long to say, too.
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I’ve given this long and careful thought, and instead of *clank*, the sound I’m going with is *GAAAAAH!*. Yes, that is the sound of my genitals screaming in terror. Loud enough to drown out any sounds made by retraction.
Either that, or the similar sounding *CLUNK!* works too, after the sound made by my SOUL upon re-reading this.
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Tkins?! (Wolverine fans will know what I mean).
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I’d opt for “BAMF!” since mine more or less just vanishes in a loud puff of air.
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what’s the male equivalent of the *clank* sound?
*shrivel*
Love it or hate it?
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*thwick*? Kind of a fleshy drain-sucking sound?
Super Lurve
5 
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My vote is on *Schlup!*
Kinda like you would imagine it would sound if you were eating Jell-O with no hands.
Super Lurve
21 
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*FWIP* <—the sound of male genitalia retracting into the abdomen
Love it or hate it?
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Looks more like Linda Tripp’s Glamour Shot.
Now I can’t get “Dude Looks Like A Lady” outta my head.
Super Lurve
15 
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Dad….is that you?
Super Lurve
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Oh hey, it’s Lady Bunny in 30 years! You are NOT going to convince me that that is not a man in drag…
Proof:
“I can use that weight to slam into you just as hard and deep as you need it”
You can slam hard and deep into him?! With what? Your Man-gina?
She claims that she can be Discreet. If she’s looking for a long-term partner, WHAT does she need to be discreet about? And judging by her put-mah-whole-face-out-for-the-world-to-see-whilst-raving-about-spewing-cocks thing, I’m going to have to challenge that whole “Discreet” thing. Unless of course her DRAG NAME is Discreet! OH, that’s it! Got it. Sort of like Divine.
“I’m really good at:
Loving my man”
I hate that shit!!! If they’re so good at loving their man, how come none of the bitches who post that shit HAVE ONE. I’m just going to have to agree to disagree on that point, ladies.
“First thing people notice about me:”
Should have been: that I look like a drag version of Meryl Streep.
“The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I have not found Mr Right, just Mr wrong.”
Hello Captain Fucking Obvious. Seriously? With all the cocks and hands and spit and whatnot, THIS is the most ‘private’ thing you’re willing to admit? For fuck’s sake, you’re single, OBVIOUSLY you haven’t found Mr. Right. REDUNDANT. But then there’s also this little tidbit: privacy – you’re doing it wrong. You’re a fucking chucklehead (thank you, Rose Nylund – might as well continue with the Golden Girls theme), that’s why you’re alone. That and you’re slapping your vag around like nobody’s business. NO ONE is interested in that shit.
“The six things I could never do without
sex
love
food
housing
kissing”
Apparently counting is not your forte, honey. As if you couldn’t have thrown in ‘air’, or ‘water’ or maybe ‘cock’ or ‘spewing cum’ or ‘my late 80′s Dolly Parton wig’. Come on now, that’s just lazy.
OK, I could go on for days. I’ll just end here.
Super Lurve
43 
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Before we get started on the profile, lets discuss this photo. Glamour Shots went out of business circa 2000 which makes this picture at least 10 years old. I’m thinking 1957 isn’t the year she was born, but the year she graduated from high school.
playgirl1957
52 / F / Straight / Single
Manchester, Connecticut
I am sexy, sensual and hot.
“I am sexy, sensual and hot.” Yeah, that’s just menopause, drink some cold water and turn up the A.C. It’ll go away eventually. Also, you may try removing that feather boa.
My Self-Summary
“i AM NOT LOOKING FOR SEX. I CAN GET THAT ANYTIME I WANT. I AM LOOKING FOR A BOY FREIND THAT LIKE SEX AS MUCH AS I DO I am a sexy sensual Italian women seeking a man. looking to be seduced by a gentleman that knows how to respect a woman and yet give me sexy and sensual and hard rough sex at the same time. “
I tell ya, there’s nothing more “sensual” than “rough sex.” You know, like Emanuelle goes to Rape Camp…or was that outer space I can’t remember.
“I will host you when you come over unless you want me to come over your place, when you come over the lights will be off as we touch, caress, kiss, and lick every part of each other.”
The “I will host you” part of this just makes me think of the alien in Aliens. Like her place is some creepy feather boa laden lair complete with Boniva cocktails and Aspircreme rubdowns. Also, the lights had better be off, cuz again. She’s not been 52 in quite some time.
“ I live alone in my own place, I am single, I am very clean, I have no diseases, I am above all very Discreet if you need me to be and expect you to be so too. “
Nothing says “Discreet” like your picture on the internet.
“I am 5 5about 188 lbs and I can use that weight to slam into you just as hard and deep as you need it,”
NOOOOO! Seriously, does that sound appealing to someone? I think she’s been watching too much Law and Order SVU and has mistaken the rape scenes as just something all the cool kids are doing these days. Good Lord!
“I have bluel eyes, soft hands to better hold and cup your body and soft hands to grip you hard you need me too”
Ah, she’d better see a doctor about that “bluel eyes” problem. I hear that it can lead to excessive aggression in the bedroom.
“I ,have been told, very kissable lips that enjoy long deep passionate french kisses”
Hey! I thought she said she was Italian!
“ and is very good at oral sex or so I have been told, a well wants that lasts longer than 5 minutes and the cock gets hot and shoots cum even hotter.”
Gross and Grosser.
“ I have a high sex drive, I enjoy sex, I fall asleep wanting sex, needing sex and I wake in the morning wanting sex again. You will find the experience pleasurable exciting unique and rare.”
I think she needs to check into a sex addiction clinic. Seriously, it’s not just for Tiger woods anymore.
“What I’m doing with my life
working. having fun”
Translation: planning to rape the mailman, pizza guy, or the next male that has the unfortunate luck to knock on her door. Look out Mormons!
“I’m really good at
loving My man. taking care of all his needs and mine”
I bet “My man” is the name of her cat who just so happens to loooove peanut butter.
“The first things people usually notice about me
my tits”
Maybe this is because they smell like peanut butter and are covered in cat fur. I don’t know, just a guess.
“The six things I could never do without
sex love food housing kissing”
This is only 5. I do like how “ food and housing is mentioned” clever, but if she’s gonna go that route, why not say air and water as well?
“I spend a lot of time thinking about
Sex”
“Sex addict!!!!” Lady, get a grip and go to a 12 step program already!”
“On a typical Friday night I am
playing with myself”
Really, why is she not taken already? What a catch! She’ll rough you up, sweat all over you and then cup your body with her vag smellin’ fingers.
“The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I have not found Mr Right, just Mr wrong.”
Mr. Wrong must be the name of her other cat.
Super Lurve
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“Like her place is some creepy feather boa laden lair”
`
This made me think of “The Continental” Christopher Walken character on SNL, and that made me smile.
Super Lurve
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Glamour Shots went out of business? My, I guess I haven’t been to the mall in a long time. I suppose it was only a matter of time until it was replaced by the digital camera and bathroom mirror combo….FABulous!
Super Lurve
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“Maybe this is because they smell like peanut butter and are covered in cat fur. I don’t know, just a guess.”
Thank for this. I, too, am now going to need a new monitor. Does anyone know how to get beer out of a keyboard?
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“The first things people usually notice about me
my tits”
I woulda guessed it was “her” adams apple, hence the high necked dress.
Super Lurve
9 
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Am I the only one wondering if this person is a male to female transsexual?
Love it or hate it?
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I submitted a comment, but the site eated it. Let’s try this again.
Love it or hate it?
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“playgirl1957″
Maybe she played *with* a girl in 1957, I don’t think she’s *been* one since 1857
“52 / F / Straight / Single
Manchester, Connecticut
I am sexy, sensual and hot.”
I’m sure that’s exactly what it said on the bill from Glamour Shots, right underneath the charge for extra cleaning and the phtographer’s therapy bills.
“My Self-Summary
i AM NOT LOOKING FOR SEX.”
is that like an iMac? Are they the same thing?
“I CAN GET THAT ANYTIME I WANT.”
the paper bag fetish crowd is so forgiving…except when it comes to papercuts
“I AM LOOKING FOR A BOY FREIND THAT LIKE SEX AS MUCH AS I DO”
Even though you aren’t looking for sex?
“I am a sexy sensual Italian women seeking a man.”
I have NEVER been so happy to not have a penis
“looking to be seduced by a gentleman that knows how to respect a woman and yet give me sexy and sensual and hard rough sex at the same time.”
sexy, sensual, hard, rough sex all at the same time…with a side order of respect, well yeah, I can see that, you’ve gotta have respect, especially when you’re not out for sex.
Super Lurve
7 
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“I will host you when you come over unless you want me to come over your place, when you come over the lights will be off as we touch, caress, kiss, and lick every part of each other.”
While she purposely DOESN’T look for sex. That’s why the lights are off, so she can’t see it when it’s comin’ to pin the tail on the Granny.
“I live alone in my own place, I am single, I am very clean, I have no diseases, I am above all very Discreet if you need me to be and expect you to be so too.”
Yeah, wouldn’t want the other Avon ladies getting jealous, they might take away the free bunny slippers you got when you ordered the “Bea Arthur post-mortem makeup kit” with bonus vat of AquaNet.
“I am 5 5about 188 lbs and I can use that weight to slam into you just as hard and deep as you need it,”
What are you slamming and where is it going?!?!?
Super Lurve
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“I have bluel eyes, soft hands to better hold and cup your body and soft hands to grip you hard you need me too”
No, no, that won’t be necessary.
“i ,have been told, very kissable lips that enjoy long deep passionate french kisses and is very good at oral sex or so I have been told, a well wants that lasts longer than 5 minutes”
I would think just about any tribe in sub-Saharan Africa would also like a well that lasts longer than 5 minutes
“and the cock gets hot and shoots cum even hotter.”
Or else it gets the hose again?
“I have a high sex drive, I enjoy sex, I fall asleep wanting sex, needing sex and I wake in the morning wanting sex again. You will find the experience pleasurable exciting unique and rare.”
I recommend a first date at a sex addiction recovery clinic. Say hey to Tiger fo me.
“What I’m doing with my life
working. having fun
I’m really good at
loving My man. taking care of all his needs and mine”
In the basement. Where he will be kept until he stops referring to me as Kathy Bates.
“The first things people usually notice about me
my tits”
Oh I SO hope she’s referring to her pet birds. The only reason people would notice *those* tits is if strangers keep tripping on them.
“The six things I could never do without
sex
love
food
housing
kissing”
She forgot #6 her Mary Kay discount card and 6 week supply of facial spackle.
“I spend a lot of time thinking about
sex”
Color me surprised.
“On a typical Friday night I am
playing with myself”
*Verp!*
“The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I have not found Mr Right, just Mr wrong.”
THAT’S PRIVATE?!? You just said that you flick the bean/flog your molly/ buy a war bond or WHATEVER they called it back during the Crimean War EVERY Friday and you don’t consider that PRIVATE? Can somebody loan this gal a Cuniform dictionary and point out the definition of “private” to her?
“You should message me if”
The sores don’t clear up within a week.
“looking or a LTR”
With the CDC
Super Lurve
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“What soft hands you have, Grandma!”
“All the better to cup your body with, my dear.”
Oh yeah. Future dialogue for a bizarre, fetishist porn spin-off of Little Red Riding Hood. I called it.
Super Lurve
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three stooges..three stooges..three stooges…I’ve been told that I should think of something funny when disturbing mental images start popping into my head! God help me, it’s not working this time!!! **shudder**vomit** UGH!
Love it or hate it?
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OK. I’ve been reading datewrecks for a few months now, but this is my first time commenting.
I live one town over from Manchester, CT and therefore could not resist. I would love to say this woman (following a very loose definition of the word) and her ad have scarred me to the point of being frightened to leave the house, but that ship has sailed a long time ago. Manchester is like a big ol’ pan of sizzlin’ Freak Bacon, assailing my sensitive nostrils every time I cross the town line. It’s a literal Datewrecks paradise, with a never ending oasis of tragicomic material. Let’s just put it this way. I recently left a longterm relationship, and even if I hadn’t started reading Jami’s blog, my vag has been clankin’ on a regular basis ever since I’ve entered the dating scene in this area.
I just warmed up to join a dating site recently, and before I could even be crazy enough post up a picture I received an message from a man “passing through the area”:
“Hi there,
Im here for the week just staying with relatives and bored out of my mind. Would love someone local to hang out with.
I want to tell you what I really want though. I see that your in college, wondering if you stay in a dorm? I would love to have you and possibly your roomates use me for the week as your personal slave. I am very much into being a servant for women. And very much for real. I really enjoy being kept totally nude and told what to do. from getting on my hands and knees and kissing your feet, to cleaning up for you, or just use me as a personal foot stool. I am very very obedient and u can tell me to do whatever you want. I really hope you get back to me, I would love to hear from you.”
Yes, Central CT is a dating vortex/freakfest that doesn’t just breed wrecks, but they also are drawn here like it’s the Bermuda Triangle of Human Sexuality. Sorry for the long post. Just needed to vent my pain.
Single and Horrified,
Kate
Super Lurve
10 
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Oh my god.
I made the mistake of looking up playmates from 1957. And I think.. I think I may have FOUND her. By her, of course, I mean that thing living on her head.
http://www.freeweb.hu/playmate/html/5704.html
Love it or hate it?
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