He’s Making It Really Hard To Say No

Catherine of New Zealand sends us this submission from Edmonton, Canada’s Craigslist. Did you follow that? It’s kind of like when my sister’s hairdresser told me about her second cousin’s divorce from the guy the works at the coffee shop that I bought my latte from this morning. What were you doing in Canada’s Craigslist, Catherine? Date Wreck hunting? Well, then… Kudos to you, my dear, because this one is… It’s hard to handle.

I posted this guy’s ad back in April of last year here, but he seems to have updated with new photographs, though the text of his ad is exactly the same.

First of all, it was in all CAPS WHICH IS NOTORIOUSLY HARD TO READ, SO I THREW IT INTO SOME EDITING GIZMO SHIT TO MAKE IT EASIER TO READ (Read: May or may not be easier to read — being in all capital letters really isn’t the core problem with this ad.) YOU SHOULD THANK ME FOR THIS AND ALSO REMEMBER, AS YOU’RE READING IT, THAT IT WAS ONE IN ALL CAPS. The post has since been removed, but I found it again here. It’s baffling.

Jesus, that is so ugly. Sorry for that, friends.

The post:

SANDY POOL!!LONG TERM LIVE IN FREE FOR THE RIGHT LADY!!AD FOR REAL! – 63 (edmonton,alberta!canada)

Hi loving,sexy,pretty fit ladies to my eyes only! Happy,happy new year&happy harley day!!The right opportunity is knocking for you right now! Live in free!just like me,this ad is for real!honesty is the only policy!this very straight white leo male 63 yrs old,act,look&feel 45,5′9″tall170lbshazel bedroom eyesbrown&grey full head of hair to my shoulders,long beautiful white groatee to my stomach&growing forever,reading glasses only!i am very honest,trustworthy,sincere,loyal,open-minded,polite,dedicated,good humoured,one woman man,solid,light smoker,trying to quite,social drinker,emotionally secure,financially stable,clean,safe&well endowed,you be also!absolutely safe with me&here!no alcoholics,druggies or wanna bees! i love shooting pool,i have many trophies,laid up my beautiful antique car for the winter,,dining in&out,good conversation, r&rcountry&western,heavy metall,movies,watching some sports&alot more!you must be pretty fit,well endowed?good looking,a little over weight as sexcersise is in this long cold winter,your age 25 to 50 only,5′5″to5′10″tall,long hair or willing to grow it long for me!! Clothes dont make the body,the body makes the clothes!you are as good as your word,if your word isnt any good you arnt!mine is excellent,thank god! I love hot oil teasing&pleasing slow sexy full body massages,being spoiled&pampered 3 times a week,being loyal to each other,110%loving,honestt&dedicated to each other forever!life is very short&death is forever!can you cook?i dontt!keep a very clean place with me?!You cant bring back the pastt,but we can make a beautiful future together!! Pictures,emails&phones are very deceiving!taking serious applications in person only!1 full length sexy picture for me only!only very serious replys please&thank you!the ball is in your court now!dont be shy&reply!i am waiting!relocate to me,!spend a few months with me to get to know each other&see what you are made for !!Wont be sorry!xo,ox,smile!i am for real,no games at all!eventually a wife for life!xo,ox,smile!where else can you live free?? !Xo,ox,smile!!This ad&every is the truth!!!A long cold winter is here until may 1st,now is the time to come to me, ,if you are for real??110%of love,sex&honesty!be very helpful if you are serviceable,trainable,sub in my home only!dont forget the right opportunity is knocking for you right now!free all winter long! Bi okay for me only to 110%love me xo,ox,smile!!!!!!Visa,passport if needed^your own money to get here to me!then free!xo,ox,smile!!

Allllllright. Let’s begin, shall we? *clicking red pen*

I suppose we’ll start with your claim, good sir, of looking forty seven years old when you are, in fact, sixty three years old. Now, I’m not a mathematician, but I believe you’re saying that you look eighteen years younger than you are — that you look like what your son might look like if you were a teenage father. *ahem* This could not be further from the truth and I’ll explain why for you: you, my friend, are old. A beard at your level of grey means that your pubes are likely grey and once your pubes are gray, your marketability on Craigslist is greatly reduced. Also, I think in your second picture, you might have pee’d your pants a little bit which, although embarrassing, is perfectly normal for someone your age. Don’t feel bad, just you know… Get some Serenity pads or spring for the Depends. Also, you use reading glasses. Everyone knows that reading glasses are the precursor to Alzheimers or some old person shit like that, so the jig is up. You are old. You look old. You should be happy with a round-faced blue hair would will cook you dinner and hang your wife beaters on the line to dry in the backyard.

This line, in particular, caught my attention not only because of it’s lack of spacing and copious use of commas, but really, because of the last item on your list:

“i am very honest,trustworthy,sincere,loyal,open-minded,polite,dedicated,good humoured,one woman man,solid,light smoker,trying to quite,social drinker,emotionally secure,financially stable,clean,safe&well endowed,you be also!“

I regret to inform you, good sir, but unless you’re hoping for a giant cock on your girlfriend, this portion of your personal ad could be slightly misleading. Also, I think your overgrown beard that will be “growing forever” is screaming that you are overcompensating for a small penis with silver pubic hairs.

You follow it up, just a few short sentence fragments later with this quip, “you must be pretty fit,well endowed?” Again, I’m going to have to ask you to clarify if you’re looking for a tranny with a trouser snake…? It’s okay if you are, man… You can own that shit – but commit to it, for cryin’ out loud.

Nothing makes me happier in a personal ad when someone lists very specific qualities in their potential partners. Grandpop over here wants a woman between 25-50 and only between 5′5” and 5′10”… Seriously… It’s clear that you aren’t rolling in money, Grandpop, so requesting women that are young enough to be your grandchildren… Eh, I just think you may want to lower your expectations a little. You’ve been searching for something like this for well over a year, maybe it’s time to cast your net to larger audience?

I’m also a little perplexed by his phrase “xo, ox smile!” Hugs and kisses given to oxen make you smile? Or does this mean that hugs and kisses lead to Ox Smile which is some sort of sexual experience in the family of Dirty Sanchez, Donkey Punch land of sexual exploits? Wait… Erm… I don’t want to know, really. Shhhhhh.

“Where else can you live free??” I can think of many places, mister: the street, a cardboard box, my mom’s basement, my best friend’s couch, standing up in the train station, on the dashed lines of the highway… I have lots of options here before I ever pack up my shit and road trip it to Canada on my own dime to live in a house with mustard colored shag carpet and forty years of cigarette smoke-saturated walls, surrounded by your plastic billiard trophys where I would be expected to cook and clean your house all while spoiling and pampering you every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. In closing, don’t hold your breath…

Ahh, I love it when the Date Wrecks come full circle like this… Maybe next year, we’ll check in with him and he’ll be sixty four years old but you know… He’ll still look forty five.

From The Vault

• This is what I’m up against?
• Maybe I'm mixed up…
• Ready to move out of mom's trailer