There Is Nothing Sexy About This Post
Craigslist Crazies — By Jami on January 26, 2010 at 7:00 am
I don’t mind talking dirty. In some cases, I think it’s perfectly fitting. The forbidden whispering in public about the things you want to do to your lovah… The primal outbursts that emit from your writhing face inbetween grunts. There’s a time and a place. But really, it doesn’t matter the time or the place if the content blows.
I had a dude call my vagina a cooter once. I’m pretty sure my labia folded over one another, forbidding any thought of any entry. A cooter? Ick. Guys, if you’re going to try to lure a woman into your britches with words, choose wisely.
Incidently, I found this post while on the road, bored to TEARS during the six hour carpool up to my hometown last week. I was digging through my stats page and found that someone mentioned my blog on this thread over at Etsy – a big shout out to the Etsy Artisan Peaseblossom Studio, Caroline, for sharing the DW love. I found this doozie on that thread.
I want to lap a good woman friend (Providence)
Hello Sweetness,
Although I am erectile dysfunctional I still love being intimate with a woman. The problem is that I am ED. I am quite romantic and now my tongue and my hands are my sex organs. Prostate problem took care of my penis.
Even though I can’t get a hard on, I love to have my cock sucked.I would like to kiss and lap you from head to foot. I am really pleased with that..I would cuddle with you, suck and lap your tits and back, go down to your beautiful legs and then start back up and lap your pussy. Your clit is my favorite. I love this very much and could go on for hours. Many women really love this.
A good woman friend and lover is what I need, I would like to start with a woman as a good friend and see where that takes us, I love music, theatre, movies, local boat rides and trying new things. I am widowed and I do miss having a woman friend. I do love to cuddle, huddle and kiss a woman from head to foot.I am widowed, don’t have a car, and have ED. I believe that I am in pretty good shape about 70% of the time. As a good, honest, sincere, romantic, and caring person, I believe that a relationship with a woman who is also a good and understanding person can be my best friend. You should also be romantic and love to cuddle. I live alone in an apartment in Providence. If you understand that I am a human being with a sense of humor, love music and musical theater, who also loves the other arts. I played the saxophone and clarinet for years. Produced recordings for a professional record company. I have written for several music magazines and also have written poems and short stories. I am also working on a novel.
Love,
Arthur
“I am erectile dysfunctional.” How about that for a Date Wrecks tshirt?? Or even better, “I am ED.”
And quite possibly, the most NON-SEXY THING EVARRR! “Even though I can’t get a hard on, I love to have my cock sucked.” *HURLK/SPLAT* OMG, I am hard pressed to think of anything right now that is more disgusting than giving head to a flaccid penis that promises to STAY FLACCID. GAG! Although, the phrase, “lap your pussy” is rapidly closing in on second place.
I’m familiar with cuddling your partner, but what exactly does it mean to huddle your partner? I’m picturing just standing there, hands on each other’s shoulders with your foreheads pressed together, but really, that’s nothing like cuddling, so I’m guessing I’m way off.
“I believe that I am in pretty good shape about 70% of the time.” Uhhm. Okay…?
So, um… Thanks Arthur, but I think we’re going to move in a different direction. We appreciate your application and we’ll be in touch if our needs change in the future.
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19 Comments
If I have failed to mention it before, I ride the quiet ride car of the commuter train. I am shaking from laughter!
Hi, Arthur. Do you mind if I call you Ed? No? I didn’t think so since YOU SAID SO IN THE FIRST LINE. Is your degree in marketing? Just wondering.
Super Lurve
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There’s a 30% probability that he’ll phase into non-fit time-space at any moment.
Super Lurve
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It got realy quiet here at work just as I read this, and in my mind one of the final scenes from Spartacus ran through my head:
“I’M ED”
“NO, I’M ED”
“I AM ED”
“I AM ED”
Also, way to OWN that shit, son! You have a seriously embarrassing medical issue, but do you shy away? NO, you CLAIM IT! CLAIM that flaccis penis! Good for you!
Super Lurve
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I work with seniors every day. Many of them seem to have lost that filter that stops them from saying things I don’t want to know. One’s looking for someone to trim his long toenails since he can’t bend to reach them anymore. One has irritable bowel syndrome and says he “can never tell if it’s going to be wind, earth or water.” But never has anyone declared so loud and so proud that he will remain flaccid no matter what. Or that he loves “lapping” anyone or anything.
And now I have to go vomit.
Super Lurve
7 
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not sexy, granted, but at least he’s honest. and like meredith said, he’s owning his embarrassing medical condition.
its the lapping that disturbs me. i imagine a giant golden retriever tongue… oh, wait, ick.
arthur should have at least offered to wear a strap on or something.
Super Lurve
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*HORK*
Love it or hate it?
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*clank* *clunk* *sounds of footsteps fading off into the distance*
Great, not only did my vagina slam shut, it hit the floor and fled the country.
Super Lurve
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For some reason when I read the whole part about being fit 70% of the time I had this image of a guy who was totally built, except for the knees down where he has massive calves and a wicked case of cankles.
I also hate that he kicks off the post with “Hello Sweetness” it just creeps me out in the worst way, like some sort of sad grandpa with a Gene Simmons tongue and a predilection toward oversharing.
Super Lurve
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I was wondering whether, 30% of the time, he was deflated.
Super Lurve
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I was imagining beach bod on the weekdays and beer belly on the weekends. He’s a transformer!
Love it or hate it?
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Beer Belly! Robot in disguise!
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I can’t decide if his post or your summary is better, Jami, but either I’m giggling like a crazy person reading both.
“I am widowed, don’t have a car, and have ED.” Wow, love the honesty, but really not the best way to spin things to get a response.
And does anyone else wonder if this was translated from another language? The sentence structure is all wrong somehow.
Love it or hate it?
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Doesn’t Viagra work even if you don’t have a prostate? I thought that’s what Bob Dole’s ED came from, prostate cancer/precancer leading to removal of the whole thing.
I just don’t get why he thinks penetrative sex is the amongst the first things a woman wants to know about. From other things he says (being widowed, having played (past tense) instruments and made (past tense) recordings, having prostate problems (which are uncommon in young men)), I’m assuming he’s not in his first youth. Are cock-sucking and cunnilingus and an inability to get it up really what he still thinks women want to see in the intro? (I love this idea, though: “Can he get it up? Blah … blah … dammit, he doesn’t say! Not readin’ no more! I needs me a man of STEEL!”) Or have women left the poor guy after a few dates/weeks/whatever because he couldn’t get it up? If so, I suspect there’s something else going on …
His ad reads like he spliced together a bunch of drafts. I can’t think why he’d mention ED four times or so unless he really has been traumatized by some strangely evil women.
Super Lurve
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Yet another dating profile falls foul of the classic mistake: a failure to outline. Think how much better this would be if he just took a few moments to organize his thoughts with topic sentences!
“Hello Sweetness,
Allow me to introduce myself. I am a man who formerly had various interests, but now I can best be summarized as a gentleman suffering from ED.
I used to be married, play musical instruments, and make recordings. But then I got prostate problems; presumably my prostate escaped my pelvic cavity, carjacked me, and ran over my wife. Thus, I am widowed, I have no car, and I have erectile dysfunction. Although these are the makings of a really excellent blues album, I have decided to put aside my music for the moment in favor of informing complete strangers of my love for oral sex.
In conclusion, I once was an interesting and successful person with a functioning penis. Thanks to my rogue prostate, however, all that is in the past. My name is Arthur, and I have ED.”
Admittedly, he’s still undateable, but at least he’d be readable.
Super Lurve
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Remind me never to borrow any of his saxophone reeds. Aach.
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“I am widowed, don’t have a car, and have ED”
I kinda feel bad for the guy.
I am also thanking my lucky stars that I am very happily married.
But I do feel bad for him. That’s a hard hand to be dealt. Poor flaccid guy . . .
Love it or hate it?
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This guy is a living example of The Law of Diminishing Returns. If his ad had read:
“A good woman friend and lover is what I need, I would like to start with a woman as a good friend and see where that takes us, I love music, theatre, movies, local boat rides and trying new things. I am widowed and I do miss having a woman friend. You should also be romantic and love to cuddle. I played the saxophone and clarinet for years. I have written for several music magazines and also have written poems and short stories. I am also working on a novel.”
…and STOPPED THERE, he would have been chin-deep in women, even if most of them were women his own age. But NO-O-O-OH!!! He had to shoehorn (excuse the metaphor) ED into every other sentence. A good friend who is romantic, cuddly, a musician, and a published writer, but who eventually turns out to have some problems with ED, might be fine to go to a movie with. A total stranger who can’t shut up about his limp schlong will never “see where it takes us”, because his initial approach guarantees that it will never take us anywhere.
Super Lurve
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“If you understand that I am a human being with a sense of humor, love music and musical theater, who also loves the other arts.”
my brain broke on that incomplete thought. If I understand those things… what…? You’ll still have a flaccid penis?
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good one, Jami ! this might be the funniest DW I’ve read yet .
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