This Just In: Dudes Who Wear Pantyhose Are Gay!
OkStupid — By Jami on January 27, 2010 at 9:41 pm
Or, um… At least that is what I’m deducing from this submission. You want some REAL hot erotica?? You want to read something that gets your girly bits feeling tingly? Don’t worry dudes, this will probably make your jeans tight as well…
Wait, c’mon. Who am I kidding? This DATE WRECKS. Just ahead, a really terrible erotic story about Batman & Alfred (who turns out to be a total cockslut!)
alm0ndsic
25 / M / Straight / Single
Brandon, Florida
My Self Summary
Bruce Wayne sighed as he closed the doors of his sleek batmobile and trudged into the batcave. Alfred suddenly flanked him on his right with the usual cup of tea and jolly smile.
“Master Wayne, seems like you skipped out on sleeping again last night. Do you have any idea what time it is?” Alfred’s eye were pierce, questioning, and deeply worrying. Bruce dodged his glare and stepped aside.
“Alfred, you wouldn’t understand. I wasn’t out tackling villains last night… I was trying to tackle Rachel. She’s still avoiding getting frisky with me. I… I haven’t made love in forever Alfred,” Bruce blurted, and cocked his head to the side, slumping in his batbed.
Alfred nudged up beside him and set down his tea tray.
“Master Wayne, are you telling me Batman has not gotten frisky for a while? That’s laughable!” Alfred smiled and gave Bruce a nudge.
“Shut up Alfred! I’m so busy fighting villains that I haven’t been fighting the villains that matter most: the villains in my heart…” His voice trailed off, leaving an odd silence in the batbedroom. Bruce grabbed his batmirror and started checking out his batteeth. “Maybe it has something to do with my teeth. Do you think I should get this gingivitis shit looked at?”
“Master Wayne, perhaps women aren’t attracted to you because… you have other inner villains.” Alfred offered. Bruce laughed and gave an incredulous look to him.
“What are you suggesting Alfred? What other internal villains am I keeping?” He now focused fully on the old man, noticing something slightly odd in his posture.
“Master Bruce, I’m suggesting that you mean need to come out of the batcloset.” The room went cold, colder than a cold night in Gotham with Mr. Freeze making lots of things very cold.
“Alfred… are you saying I’m gay?! Jesus man… I… I don’t know what to say.” Bruce stammered and Alfred sat up and put his finger on his lips. Batman stared back as Alfred looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, “Why so serious?”
Alfred’s lips wrapped around Bruce’s thin lips as he shoved the tea tray off the batbed. Bruce Wayne tried desperately to recoil but soon found himself enticed by the old man’s wicked thrashing of his tongue, sliding around the edges of his mouth and playfully dancing with his own. Bruce ripped off his batsuit and shredding his mask, when Alfred switched to his ear and nibbled while whsipering, “Keep the mask on.”
Alfred fell on top of Bruce on the batbed and began to kiss Bruce’s chiseled chest and slide his tongue down to his rock-hard cock. “Alfred… I don’t know if I can… ohhhh lord.” Bruce began to moan as Alfred skillfully took Batman’s batcock into his mouth and began slowly teasing and sucking.
“Mmm… oh sweet fucking LORD Alfred, where did you learn this?!” Bruce looked down in astonishment and ecstasy. Alfred smiled and replied, “Many long nights alone with the batdog.”
Bruce ignored the odd response and felt his batcock tightening up now as he started holding onto Alfred’s thin sheets of white hair, rippling his body up into Alfred’s warm mouth. Alfred went deeper and deeper, taking in all of the batcock and rolling his tongue around the shaft to make Bruce giggle, as if the Joker had told a funny joke.
Finally, Bruce could feel his batsemen filling up in the batcock, and he whispered, “Oh Alfred, wait… I think I’m gonna…” and before he could finish, erupted batjuice all into Alfred’s waiting mouth. Alfred happily gobbled it all down and stared up at Bruce in lust.
“Master Wayne, the day is still young. I think you should put aside your previous engagements and concentrate on this.” With that, Alfred shook off his butler suit and revealed a throbbing, wrinkly penis. Bruce was sure this was going to be the best “catch” ever!
Oh… My. Nothing gets me hotter than listening to a man ramble off his favorite childhood comic book hero fantasy. Except I’m not sure which character I would have to be when we role-played it later… I think I could probably do a convincing old-man, but lord… I don’t want to be Albert. Not like this.
Please don’t make me do this, Batman.
Also, I don’t read comic books, but I’m pretty sure Bruce Wayne wouldn’t giggle. EVAR. Not even if he was hiding his batcloset. [I actually cringed as I typed that!]
And, since he ended on a high note, I’m going to do the same thing — ‘cept, my brain is full of bat-isms, so all I can come up with is copying him. I bid you adieu with “throbbing, wrinkly penis.” Good night, folks.
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54 Comments
I simply can’t close my mouth. Batman and Alfred… a throbbing wrinkly old cock, the bat dog, I can’t go on. thud
Super Lurve
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Oh no. Close your mouth. You definitely want it closed.
Super Lurve
18 
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Now that you mentioned it, yeah I want it closed. Taped closed.
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My… God…
I had to keep double-checking to make sure this guy really claimed he was straight.
WHO DOES THIS!?! On a dating site? Please tell me I’m not the only one who threw up her hands and said “I give up”?
Super Lurve
6 
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I didn’t throw up my hands, but I threw up in my hands! Yick!
Super Lurve
14 
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I had to keep checking if it said he was straight, too! This guy HAS to be hiding in his own “bat-closet”. Not that there’s anything wrong with being “bat-gay”… just… I’ll stop now.
Eww.
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As a longtime Batman fan, I found this incredibly amusing, especially the “Why so serious?” bit. That was my favorite scene in The Dark Knight. Still, this doesn’t really work on a dating site, unless he happens to be Batman.
Super Lurve
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I completely agree, and I think this was intended to be ridiculous and not sexy. Come on, “batjuice”?? Hahahaha. But yeah, the honeys won’t be flocking to this guy for plenty of reasons.
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With you completely. It was pretty damn funny and was clearly intended to be that way…however, on a dating site, it’s just weird.
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I choose to believe that this is intended as humor rather than erotica. I hope you are right.
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Needs more batthings.
Super Lurve
24 
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I need a bat-bucket for the bat-vomiting…and this is from someone whose last name means, “bat”.
*gurglechurn*
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Dude.
What?
Wait…what?
Who writes shit like that? Who puts it on OKfuckingCupid?!
I think I’m going to be batsick.
*wonders off twitching and randomly saying “throbbing.wrinkly.penis”
Super Lurve
14 
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That’s the worst fan fiction ever — and that’s even assuming it’s supposed to be a witty spoof of the movie Batman. Batman doesn’t talk like a sexually confused 16-year-old! Batman punches things! And he kisses like he punches: hard, fast, and straight!
Super Lurve
23 
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Yeah, it just makes me think this dude is actually gay.
I have actually seen a lot of profiles like this that are just WTF. I have no idea what these men are trying to accomplish other than having women say ORLY and not bother contacting them.
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Yeah, me, neither. I also like the ads you see that are titled “You Aren’t Good Enough for Me” and then go into a brief list of the poster’s awesomeness followed by a longer list of the reader’s likely deficiencies, ending with a dare to prove the poster wrong by contacting him (AWESOME WOMEN ONLY PLEASE!). This is the same kind of deal, a post so stupid that women will just have to respond. In theory.
I just assume some guys who post personals ads have read those pickup “artists’” books or something and think that you just have to get a woman’s emotions roused in some sharp and unfamiliar way — making her angry, making a hot chick feel ugly, making her feel stupid or confused — and then the woman will be unable to resist chattering furiously at you like an angry squirrel. Once that happens, you lure her to your penis with candy or insults and BAM! FACIAL!
Super Lurve
25 
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What fucking pickup artist book is that from? “The Misogynists Guide to Getting Arrested for Rape, Vol 2″?
“How to Make Friends and Influence Your Cellmates”?
“Bitches Always Overreact and Other Home Grown Truths Straight from the OC”?
Oh, I could go on and on.
Super Lurve
33 
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“cigarettes and your asshole: A prison economy”
Super Lurve
5 
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Well, if nothing else he gets points for originality. I doubt many women will respond, however.
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See, I’m getting the vibe from this guy that maybe he would just LOVE to get something pointy right in his originality.
Super Lurve
20 
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pointy, but wrinkly.
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Holy hand grenades Batman! Quick! To the BatToilet! I need to BatVomit!
BATCLANK!!!
This is amazing! I laughed out loud,it was almost as good as the fanfic someone sent me about Elrond and Captain Picard… let’s just say they’re more than friends.
Super Lurve
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Oh lord, “Batclank” had me rolling… holy clanking nethers, Batman! Cookies to you, that was hilarious.
Super Lurve
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“Mmm… oh sweet fucking LORD Alfred, where did you learn this?!” Bruce looked down in astonishment and ecstasy. Alfred smiled and replied, “Many long nights alone with the batdog.”
……………………
WOW. Now if maybe he could do some other porny fanfics…Spiderman and Uncle Ben, mayhaps? Superman and Lex Luthor? Maybe, just MAYBE, will my entire childhood memories of superheroes be completely tainted and I’ll have to start sobbing.
But still…at least I got to read creativity like the word “Batsemen”. The image THAT conjures up just baffles the mind.
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“The image THAT conjures up just baffles the mind.”
Do the Batsemen you imagine have tiny batty wings, like the Batsymbol, or swoopy capes? Mine are all about capes and stoicism…
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4 
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Just looked at his profile and under “drinks” he wrote “Desperately”.
Super Lurve
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It’s Rule 34 of the Internet, people – if you can imagine it, someone has made porn of it. As an exercise for the student, seek out “Thomas the Tank engine slash-fiction”.
Guh-ross.
Super Lurve
6 
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Oh man.. they ruined that too?! There goes everything I cherished from my childhood.
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Glad you pointed out rule 34 first. And yeah, there’s pretty much porn about anything you could possibly think of.
This is a Cracked article about the strangest of the strange fan fiction out there.
http://www.cracked.com/article_16554_the-5-most-baffling-sex-scenes-in-history-fanfiction.html
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It’s not the porn element that squicks me out. I’ve seen enough slash fiction stories (good and bad) to not be fazed by it. The fact that it shows up, not just in, but AS a dating profile (plus the added baffling element that it’s gay slash and this dude claims to be straight) is what makes my freak bacon beacon go off.
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“freak bacon beacon”. +20 for alliteration. (or is it onomatopoeia) ?
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I know straight folks who write/enjoy gay slash fiction, and that’s perfectly fine. But this is just terrible writing. Though, I admit “batsemen” was almost so horrifying it was funny.
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Victory is mine! Finally something I submitted got on here
Side note…he has since deleted his account.
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I, and the inventors of brain bleach, thank you for this submission.
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This is pretty clearly a joke — see, e.g., the bit about how cold the batbedroom is. I’m skeptical he actually enjoys such slashfic, but what do I know?
If I’m right, though, he deliberately exposed unsuspecting women to slashfic without warning them, purely as a joke. That’s kind of a cockgobbler move.
Also, can an erect penis get wrinkly? Suddenly getting old sounds even worse than it did already.
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I’ve seen old-man erections (don’t ask… let’s just say I click on links from my insane friends when I should know better…) and they are not wrinkly. Other parts are, but the erections, not so much.
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I don’t have any problem with gay men looking for love on the interwebs, except when they spell “gay” s-t-r-a-i-g-h-t. I didn’t need to read that shit! It’d be worse if he’d come up as a match for me. *shudder* I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
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They say no day is wasted if you learn something. I have my doubts because I googled “slash fan fiction” because I didn’t know what it was and I know wish I could hit the reset button on my mind!
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I look forward to his next piece entitled, “2 Batgirls, 1 Batcup.”
Super Lurve
15 
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He lost me at the batdog.
*vomit*
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Not to nitpick, but usually, by the time a penis is throbbing, the wrinkles have gone away.
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I’m sorry, but that photo makes it look like he’s dealing with insufficient parking space in the Batcave.
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Holy batfucking creepy dude!!! I not only heard the “clank” but also the slam of the door as my vaajay high tailed it out the freakin batcave door!!!
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I seriously just scared the crap out of my blissfully sleeping dog because I busted out LMMFAO! I don’t know why “Holy batfucking creepy dude!!! I not only heard the “clank” but also the slam of the door as my vaajay high tailed it out the freakin batcave door!!!” hit me that hysterically, but it did. I actaully wiped tears away.
And to the male that penned this batshit piece of fan-erotica… take a writing class. Your imagination has promise, but your execution of the story blows batchunks.
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This is the first time I’ve ever visited DateWrecks, and this was the very first wreck I clicked on. This guy is 2 years younger than me, and HE LIVES IN MY TOWN. I have no words…
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Let me guess: his name is Alfred ?
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I understand the point here. He thinks straight women find gay men hot in the same way that straight guys love lesbians. It’s a no-brainer!
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Look up slash fanfiction. Guess what the primary author and audience is. Yep.
You haven’t been on the internet very long, have you?
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nice, i’m diggin’ the attention.
i put it up as a joke then disabled the profile shortly after. i’m not sure why anyone would think i was being serious, but it takes all kinds!
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click around, holmes… there are people that are REALLY like that.
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hmm, no, not really! hey we all make mistakes
profile’s back up, y’all. enjoy it in its natural environs, with my ruggedly-handsome face beaming over all
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Uhm. Dude… YES. There really are people like that. I’m not discounting the fact that you are saying that you are NOT like that and that this little social experiment of yours failed.
Did you read about Fantasy_Carl? The grossest Date Wreck ever? Rosie?!? Do a search man.
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I get what you were trying to do, alm0ndsic. I am also a geek who spends way too much time on the internet and thinks terrifying things are hilarious. That’s pretty much the only way you’d get this, but it’s quite clear for those who can. The porn is intentionally laughably bad, and believe me, I’ve seen lots of really terribly written porn. For the record, I’d date him after seeing that and I think the rest of the guys on the site are totally disgusting.
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Fuck. I’m a 91% match with this guy…
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