Can You Date Online But Disable The Email Feature?
— By Jami on February 22, 2010 at 1:12 am
So, I updated my OkCupid profile. Back in November, I deleted almost everything because I was burned the fuck out. Dating is exhausting, but I’m finding my feet again. While I was there, I went through my inbox and realized that I had neglected to share some really awesome (read: terrible) emails that I had gotten over the last few months.
Exhibit A — Worst Subject Line Ever:
Subject: Hey punk
From: Romanian_guy
dude, that chick in your mirror is beautiful. can you hook me up?
Did you just address me as punk and dude?
ahhh, So I’m curious, what’s your number one most awesome superpower?
Repelling dudes with terrible pickup lines.
lool, really? of course it’s terrible, so what are you doing this weekend?
Probably sitting at home, staring out the window, wondering when i’m ever going to stumble across a romanian lacking in both social skills and a real job.
Seriously. WORST WAY TO START AN EMAIL EVER. Punk? Fucking seriously?
Exhibit B — “Unable” to even “form a reply”, OMG:
Subject: LOL
From: whatsthedeal4u
You are funny! At least I think you are
I WILL NOT:
Send you pics of my genitals, “even if you ask”
Send you a serenade mp3, “OMG”
I don’t have children, er.. and cannot have them”Although I like children, they are COMPLETELY HONEST”
I am 46, “but I am not creepy and nobody has guessed my age as older that 38″
A 100 match questions have been answered by me
My spelling is impeccable…. “if I missed any, I know how to use spell-check” know how to use spell-check”
So, do I get a chance here?
;>)
I don’t even know what the fucking say about this one, guys. I mean, clearly, he was attempting to tie in his message with some things with that I included in my profile, but LAWD. The overuse of quotation marks is mind blowing. Excuse me, I mean “Mind Blowing”
Exhibit C – Worst Spammer Ever:
Subject: Spammy Message
From: Jaidyn57049
There once was a spam in your mail.
We delete all such things without fail.
They just want your money.
We don’t think it’s funny.
We wish we could send them to jail.
[Jami just throws her hands up in the air]
Exhibit D — My Writer’s Heart Just Broke:
Subject: darb8000
From: darb8000
well miss Jami I would first like to say helo .I know how you feel .With the hectic schedule of rasing a child .I have 4 kids my self–3 boy and 1 girl .It seems there s no time for your self but I wouldnt have any outher way.
Yes. You read that correctly. He put his user name as the subject line of the email. It just went downhill from there. If you click on the link, you’ll find that in his profile he also mentions that he is “devorced” though he does follow it up with, “MY SPELLING SUX.”
So, why the fuck did I just updated my profile again? Oh lawd, here we go again. It-can’t-all-be-that-bad, it-can’t-be-all-that-bad, it-can’t-be-all-that-bad.
What’s the worst email you’ve gotten?
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20 Comments
Two come to mind. Email 1 was actually a missed IM on OkCupid:
ive heard its harder for girls with dark hair to groom than light hair
Yeah. Um. And number 2 (two similar emails from the same guy):
Hello, How are you doing? I saw your picture and I am so excited to contact you, You are Beautiful, I am looking for a Good Friendship that can lead to something Better that Friendship, if you dont mind about that, I am ******* and I am in Moscow City Now I can come to you soon! Who Knows Expect GOD.! I speak Russian and English and you can take a Look at my picture to see what i look like.. If you will like to contact me and Talk to me you can add me up at *********@yahoo.com I will be more Grateful if you can talk via yahoo ID. Sincerely. *******,
Hello, How are you doing? I saw your picture and I am so excited to contact you, I am ******* and I am in Moscow City Now.! I speak Russian and English and you can take a Look at my picture to see what i look like. Do you speak English?.. If you will like to contact me and Talk to me you can add me up at *********@yahoo.com I will be more Grateful if you can talk via yahoo ID. Sincerely. Justice, you please call me at my number — +***********.
Ok, so maybe English isn’t his first language. I can forgive a few misspellings. My impression was that Russian has grammar and punctuation that at least somewhat resembles English, though. And, given that I live in the United States, my profile is written in English, and I list English as my first language, yes, I believe I do speak English.
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There are no words! But this is compensated by the tears of laughter and delight!
You are not alone, “punk”. I’ve got a blog full of them and would be happy to send you some of my favorites if you want them…
I didn’t want to spam your wall with my shameless self-promotion – especially when it is not that. It’s “commiseration”. Yeah, all aboard the quotation train!
Really great post, “dude” :-p
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Once, on a Japanese social networking site I got an unsolicited mail from a rather specific submissive asking me to abuse him. The portion that stayed with me read ‘hurt me, break me like a pony’ before listing things he wanted. I suppos I could dig that out.
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[Is outraged on behalf of ponies]
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First comment again, whoo.
I forgot my OKCupid pw. I got something pretty bad in August before I unofficially quit.
The messages was from a swarthy Italian gentleman it went a little like this:
” I think you’re cute, let’s hook up.”
His carefully crafted message may have been two sentences instead of one but it was blisteringly direct.
I made liberal use of the word ” soul mate” and my fictional year long courting process to assure no future emails. It was a success.
We\\\\\\\'re on the fence. And it hurts our no-no zone.
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I just checked my profile again for the first time in months. There were many messages awaiting me even though I said I was married and not interested in dating or meeting anyone. There were of course many, many, sentences with no periods or capitalization let alone commas. Several messages consisted solely of the ever popular, “yer hot.” And of course the terrible, terrible jokes:
“You know, when I read your “6 things you can’t live without” and you said “running water” I found myself wondering why you would want to chase water. But then I realized that you’re probably one of those people that enjoys the thrill of the hunt.”
Do you still think it’s funny to crank call people and say, “Is your fridge running? Then you’d better go catch it!” Sooooo glad I am not in the dating scene anymore:)
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I think my favorite (read: Most ridiculous) thing about OkCupid is the Icebreakers feature.
“You and asoudf86 both like The Beatles, send him a message about it.”
Seriously? Can you think of a more general interest to message someone about? That’s like saying “Hey, you and I both breathe air, it’s awesome right?”
Super Lurve
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It’s much better to sit there and read the person’s profile and figure out what they’re like and come up with a good message that way. I’m dating a guy I used that approach on.
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I had a profile in which I mentioned that the next person who told me I should give those Twilight books a shot was getting punched in the throat. OkCupid sent me more than one Icebreaker for girls because we “Both like Twilight.” Fail, OkCupid. Fail.
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HAHAHA! The same thing happened to me, I made an off hand comment about Lady Gaga, and now it continually sends me glittery Glam Rock dudes, who send me awkward messages.
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I’m 53, was married a long time and haven’t done this “online dating thing” much. But I still share with friends the time the 85 year old gentleman (EIGHTY FIVE)saw my profile and wrote:
“Lucky for you I like big breasts and nips.”
Nips?? Aren’t those little cheese crackers? Aren’t Nips what you called the enemy during the war, grandpa? And why am I not felling the “lucky”?
Super Lurve
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I really feel for you, sister. I’ve also had a hard time attracting men because I have breasts and “nips”. Bag this open-minded hottie while you can!
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“Lucky for you I like big breasts and nips.”
`
Yeah, because most guys hate that.
Super Lurve
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That quotation marks dude reminds me of the gas station in town that promises to delver “quality” service. I actually used it as a landmark to give someone directions. XD
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Jami, I think you missed out. That first email was clearly from “Dirty” Harry Callahan, who is one heck of a catch.
“Do you want to get lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”
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Regarding Exhibit C, I’m not too keen on spam, either, but is OKCupid really the proper forum to let the world know?
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Okay, so I had exchanged a couple of quick emails with a guy,mostly talking about music as I had mentioned in my profile that I am a music buff, when he started sending me photos.One was of an empty hallway. One was of some old metal shelving in his basement. The last one was a picture that he had taken of himself in a mirror which was sitting on the floor of said basement, from the waist down. Fully clothed, in loose fitting jeans and boots. It actually would have been less creepy, if he had been naked. That way, I could have said, “Oh, you’re a pervert. That’s your thing.” But, alas, no. Just a shot of himself, fully clothed, from the waist down.
Sooo.. I was getting sufficiently creeped out by all of this,and wrote him one last email,and blew him off after that. Then he started sending me youtube videos. The first one came with a message saying, “Hey, music buff! This is for you.” It was a video of Carly Simon’s, “You’re So Vain.”
Actually, I had to laugh at that. Okay, so I’d pissed him off, and he’d gotten in a dig at me. KInd of clever. But then, he just kept sending me insulting youtube videos. Couldn’t tell you what they were, though, I stopped clicking on the link after the first one, but the messages that he sent with them, got more and more enraged. I closed that account at the end of the month.
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I clicked on darb8000′s profile, and now I can’t stop giggling like a 9 year-old over the line: “I do not like tuna helper.”
Don’t know why, don’t care why. All I know for sure, is that the title of my autobiography is going to be: I Do Not Like Tuna Helper.
Super Lurve
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“[his e-mail] a comercial hotmail point com you can feel secure with me, peace and sincerity, your compagny will make my life filled with spring flowers
more meaningful… i am 39 years old, i look ok, body , face….i come from the middle east, lived in europe for nine years, and on this continent eight years. i live in [deleted for my own privacy], I know places, you will adore… hope that you answer and that we go forward… thank you!”
My favorite so far.
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A while back I saved these gems from my OKcupid inbox:
Wrightwinger (27/m/Saint Paul, MN) says:
Wow, I saw your picture, and instintly knew you would be an amazing person, equalied only by your otherwise unparrel beauty. As i read your profile, I realized i was right, you are amazing, and with very good tastes:)
then i saw you only date girls, and remembered you live in portland. I guess i dont know how to wrap this up, but your a true goddess in my book:)
TheKatrina, 33F, Catskill, NY writes this very short message:
Subject: random muttering of an insane mind
meow
from Kat
On a related note, I keep getting messages on OKcupid, even though my profile states I’m in a relationship and not available. At first I was baffled, but then I realized that these were the same kinds of guys who still messaged me when my profile clearly stated I was a lesbian. Now that I’m also interested in guys, there’s nothing holding them back! *sigh*
A friend of mine has a note on her profile stating she’s only interested in talking to girls and non-smarmy guys. So predictably, she gets inundated with messages from guys insisting they are not smarmy.
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