Dats Just Muh Baby Daddy
Craigslist Crazies — By Jami on February 1, 2010 at 1:10 pm
People often ask me if/when I’m going to have more children… I usually can disarm them with a quick (and well-rehearsed), “Let me find myself a worthy husband first and then I’ll work on the baby making.” That usually shuts them up.
Don’t get me wrong — I think I’d like to have children again… One day. Eventually. Like, down the road a bit. I’m only 28 – I’ve got twelve solid years left on my baby factory warranty, so I’m in no rush. Being a mother at 21 and then a single mother at 22 has been plenty, thankyouverymuch. I’m going to have to be thoroughly convinced of my partner’s worth and intentions on sticking around through thick and thin before I let any little swimmers find my golden eggs.
But this guy… This 22 year old man who likely works as a census taker or something like that… He drives a hard bargain.
Looking to get a girl pregnant-URGENT – 22 (Waukesha)
Hi I’m Dustin. I’m 5′ 8″, just shy of 200 caring lbs. I currently work for the government which means good job security and equals good child/health benefits. So yes I do have a job. I want to become a father. I’m willing to take whatever to accomplish my goal. I am a very hard working guy. My main goal to become a father within the next month. My mother said I shouldn’t do this but I am REALLY in need of a kid. We don’t even have to have SEX! Thats the good part. I can just please myself and put in the white stuff into your private parts in hopes of you getting you preggers (haha, preggers). If you would feel comfortable, I can take you to some place in the mall to get some chicken sandwiches and a Dr. Pepper or something. Please send a pic.
Surely, a man who calls his semen “white stuff” and has the modesty to call my vajay “private parts” understands all the biology and such involved in making a baby, right? He’s well informed. And he’s willing to “take whatever” to make this happen guys! Personally, I’d like to give him a horse tranquilizer before I castrate him. This is not how you make a family, reject!
Even if you’re offering up Chik-fil-A & Dr Pepper.
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44 Comments
WOW, just wow. Why does he REALLY need a kid? I mean, what does he plan on doing with the kid the he needs to be a father within a month? I’m curious as to how he plans on getting the white stuff into her private parts? Tempting though, I do like chicken sandwhiches and Dr. Pepper.
Super Lurve
10 
0
Hasn’t this idiot ever heard of adoption?
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3 
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Well, my idiot boyfriend is convinced that his child must come from his own seed and unconvinced that I am never going to bear children, so… Sometimes men are too self-centered and obsessed with “carrying on their family line” to consider adoption.
This jackass would probably never be allowed to adopt, anyway.
Super Lurve
7 
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Maybe if it’s so urgent, he should start looking at mammals with shorter gestation periods. Like hamsters.
Please note: I am definitely NOT advocating that he put his “white stuff” anywhere near innocent rodents.
Super Lurve
45 
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On one hand, this guy does not understand that human gestation exceeds one month. On the other, he’s not completely clueless:
“We don’t even have to have SEX! Thats the good part.”
Yes. Yes, it is.
Super Lurve
39 
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He had me at chicken sandwich.
Super Lurve
25 
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My guess would be that homeboy needs a kidney…
Super Lurve
17 
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He never promised the chicken would be from Chik-fil-A so don’t go getting all these lofty expectations missy- they’re kind of expensive, and then next thing he knows you’ll be requiring a milkshake (and not the baby batter flavor either you gold-digger!). Waffle fries are for wifeys only yo!
Super Lurve
8 
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Also how exactly does one gain “caring” pounds? Those sound a lot nicer than the “ate too many cookies and now none of my jeans fit” pounds I’ve been collecting…
Super Lurve
8 
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Meh… Since my superpowers include bullshitting and rationalization, I’ll give it a try:
1) I’ve gained the last 10 or 20 pounds on the scale since I CARE so much about the other single women of the world, thereby giving them a chance to compete with my dazzling beauty and charm on somewhat more of a level playing field;
2) I’ve gained the last 10 or 20 pounds on the scale since I CARE so much about the men of the world, who really DESERVE for me to have a bigger rack.
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I saw an article on MentalFloss that reminded me of your site, Jami = a chart of dating site picture poses vs. new contacts gained in a month. Also studies age and gender effects.
http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/45605
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0 
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Question: if the mall sandwiches are designed to make me “feel more comfortable”, are we visiting said mall before, after or during?
Super Lurve
10 
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What women could resist the offer to make love on a bed of fine mall food court chicken sandwiches?
Super Lurve
16 
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Isn’t that how that Bon Jovi song goes?
Super Lurve
7 
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Oh yeah. I’m gonna let a guy who references this YouTube video father my child. For real? (The mall, chicken sandwich and Dr. Pepper reference happens at about the 1-minute mark. I’m surprised he didn’t throw in the waffle fries, too.)
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http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/OnCall/women-fertility-falls-lose-90-percent-eggs-30/story?id=9693015
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So… you’re saying Jamie should go for it?
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I just found out I’m tapped out at 35. I’m not saying go out and get knocked up now, but don’t completely count on the fact that you’ve got ‘12 more years.’ I’d hoped my husband’s genes would be the dominant ones in our kids… I just thought they’d at least have SOME of mine.
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My sister and several other people I know got oops babies even though they were on birth control, etc., at or past the age of 35. I don’t think it really matters how many eggs you have left, as long as you are still releasing them.
I hate these people.
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3 
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Isn’t there some law of the universe that, if you *want* to get pregnant, you can’t, even if you need three mortgages on your house to pay for the fertility treatments; but if two random drunken idiots who are cousins Do It once wearing four rubbers, they’ll get pregnant.
Super Lurve
9 
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Heh, seems that way.
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Unfortunately, there’s the element of ‘the bottom of the barrel…’ Once you hit a certain point, you may be releasing eggs, but they’re duds. Some women have more eggs than others, though. Last year, two friends who are 3 years older than me had their first kids, perfectly healthy.
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I can’t speak for everyone, but a couple of years ago my ex’s sister had a baby at 38, and because of her age there were complications so she had to be lying down for most of the pregnancy, and then as a result she got diabetes.. It was a bit rough..
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“you may be releasing eggs, but they’re duds.”
`
Now I’m picturing cute little eggs wandering aimlessly around my innertoobs, occasionally bumping into each other and saying, “D’oh!” in teeny tiny cartoon voices.
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oh, come on. he’s just shy of 200 caring pounds! that’s a selling point if ever i heard one.
Super Lurve
7 
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Mmmm…chicken sandwich, Dr. Pepper, and “white stuff”. Not only that, but he’s willing to take “whatever” to accomplish his goal!
The classiness that radiates off this guy just knocked my pants off, I swear.
Super Lurve
7 
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I’m ready to reproduce with this guy. Who can’t help but open their legs to someone who actually writes ‘haha, preggers’ like a damn junior high student?
Super Lurve
8 
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Looks like Beavis has put on a few pounds.
Super Lurve
5 
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No, no. That’s Butthead.
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3 
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This song comes to mind… Take it away R. Kelly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0zSivvoYoE
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2 
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lol. I love some of R. Kelly’s stuff because I think it’s hilarious.
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Watched Trapped in the Closet with commentary this weekend… Feel good Comedy of the Decade.
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Am I the only one upon hearing “white stuff” Thought of the Weird Al song by the same name? Which led to several horrible ideas of what really is the creamy filling inside my oreos.
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White stuff, chicken sandwiches, and his mother (I’m getting the impression he still lives with her). Where do I sign up?
Super Lurve
5 
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“I want to become a father. I’m willing to take whatever to accomplish my goal. My main goal to become a father within the next month. I am REALLY in need of a kid. We don’t even have to have SEX!”
`
I may be missing something here, but why couldn’t Jim Bob Duggar Jr. here go to a sperm bank, fertility clinic, etc.? It would save him the price of a Dr. Pepper, and I understand that those places even pay for “white stuff”.
Super Lurve
5 
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When he understand that Craigslist won’t work, I fear he’ll kidnap random womem in the street and keep them chained in his basement.
Super Lurve
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Dear Dustin,
Sure, I’ll become preggers with your child this month. Here’s the plan: You give your genetically deficient “white stuff” to a trained fertility specialist. They’ll give me meds to make my ovaries shoot out eggs like a roman candle, and put the white stuff in my private parts. You pay for my medical bills, clothing, housing and other related expenses, as well as psychiatric treatment after the fact just to make sure I’m not suffering “separation anxiety.” I relinquish any parental rights and you take on the responsibility for nighttime feedings, blow-out diapers, teething, the terrible twos, bad teachers, bad dates, teen angst, body issues, daddy issues, college expenses, and therapy. My fee is $25,000, with an extra $5,000 for each multiple embryo.
We never have to even MEET! That’s the good part.
If that sounds agreeable, sign below.
Super Lurve
15 
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So, when he says “white stuff” he means mayo for the chicken sandwich right? I require mayo on chicken sandwiches. However, I would not like mayo on my private parts.
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Oh wow. Apperantly he has somehow found some way to quicken pregnacy, and I see his vision going like this:
1) insert ‘white stuff’ ( using his own words) into ‘private area’
2) out pops your little baby
3) get life insurance for said baby
4) give baby to mom who ‘loses’ baby and moves to vegas
5) repeat
Super Lurve
5 
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“Apperantly he has somehow found some way to quicken pregnacy”
If he’s 10th-level and took the proper feat, it’s not that hard; but Quickened Pregnancy is four levels higher than Pregnancy, so he’d better hope he doesn’t need Fireball.
Super Lurve
8 
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LOL I sent a quack email to this guy volunteering to give him my eggs for $500 apiece. If he wants them, he can pay for all costs to get them and have the responsibility of finding a surrogate mother. If he actually writes me back, I’ll post it.
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Gotta love tax time… sounds like someone is looking for a tax deduction!
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“I would not like mayo on my private parts.”
`
Oh…
OK.
[hastily hides jar of mayo behind back]
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