Dear DW: Menstruation Mystery
— By Jami on February 11, 2010 at 9:25 am
Dear Date Wrecks,
This is so, so stupid, but I don’t know how else to interpret this. Last night, I found a tampon in my boyfriend’s bedroom (in a damn shoe!). Now, that shouldn’t be too weird, since I spend a lot of time there and I sometimes menstruate, but it wasn’t mine. I don’t generally use the kind without an applicator and although I have some at home, I looked at those today and they are not the same brand. (Jeez, I’m getting all worked up over a mysterious tampon.) He assured me he hasn’t had any girls in his room but me since he moved in several months ago, but I don’t see how a tampon could make its way that far into his room. He says it was probably mixed in a box of bathroom stuff from when he moved this summer, since he had a female roommate until about a month ago (and she still stays there much of the time with one of his dude roommates) and he was the only one who packed anything up (this is true — she wasn’t around for the move and she didn’t do shit beforehand). That seems like a stretch to me, though. I know he just threw stuff in boxes, but a loose tampon? I’ve never even seen that kind of tampon in their bathroom(s) and I know he’s worn those shoes since he moved, since I went with him to buy a new pair. I feel all unreasonable and paranoid, but I’m totally convinced he’s lying. He got really angry when he realized how upset this was making me and we got in a fight last night. I mean, it’s a goddamn tampon for fuck’s sake, but finding something another woman left behind is really traumatic. He thinks it’s a stretch that a tampon could fall out of a girl’s purse, but, being a girl who carries tampons in her purse, it seems totally plausible to me. I hope I’m just being paranoid and psycho. This sucks. I kind of wanted to accept his marriage proposal…
All right, make fun at will,
Threatened by a Tampon
PS: It wasn’t used! Just to make that clear. Ew
Dear Threatened by a Tampon,
Alright you’ve got two choices here: you can either just swallow your suspicions and trust the dude or you can trust your gut and kick him to the curb. I don’t know how long you’ve been together or if you have a history of being cheated on, but once you’ve been cheated on, your sensors are much more sensitive to stuff like lady razors in the shower, mascara found under his dresser, and tampons in his shoes. This is either because once we get cheated on, we become hyper sensitive emotional nutjobs or because our internal gauges are recalibrated and we’re more keen to spotting bullshit earlier.
My last long term relationship ended when, after more than a year of suspicions on my part, I finally busted him. In addition to the year+ that I wasted with him, that year really took a toll on me emotionally. Every time I got a sinking feeling in my stomach, I had to dismiss the thought — You’re being crazy. Nothing is wrong. Blah de blah. When the shit finally hit the fan, I realized how much I had been placating myself to stay with him. I mean, it was CLEAR long before I ended things with him that I should have bailed on the relationship. Red flags all over the god damn place. But that’s what hindsight teaches you. When I should have been listening to my gut, I was listening to him instead.
You really know what you want to do right now — the last sentence of your letter makes it pretty clear to me. You want to be with this dude — you want to accept his marriage proposal. That’s okay. Just don’t marry him because you want to be married. If your gut is telling you something isn’t right about this situation, then you’re probably right.
It’s a lot harder to walk away from a situation when you don’t have solid, firm evidence of infidelity. But the only options you’ve got are to just dismiss the thought from your mind and stay the course or bail. I mean, there’s a third option, but you don’t want to become the obsessive crazy girlfriend who is always belly crawling through his apartment searching for lady things. If you can’t find a way to believe him, then that’s your gut telling you to bail.
Take solace in the fact that this (allegedly) skanky whore probably bled through her white jeans because she (allegedly) dropped her purse stash in your boyfriend’s shoe when they were (allegedly) having period sex. I think it’s pretty clear who the winner is here, babe. Here’s a hint: it’s the person who doesn’t smell like uterine lining.
Love,
DW
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28 Comments
If you have to question it, it’s not worth worth questioning. Dump his ass and the bleeding bitch who brought him here.
We\\\\\\\'re on the fence. And it hurts our no-no zone.
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* minus one worth. Or three worths.
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I love you, Jami, (sorry about this outburst) and TbT should really listen to you.
Sometimes it’s really hard to tell whether it’s our real intuition/sixth sense or our fears and insecurities talking. The more experience we have and the more liars and cheaters we meet (in any kind of relationship between human beings,) the more cautious – or may I say, paranoid – we get. The line between reality and fears often get blurred.
However, one thing is for sure: if one cannot let go of the feeling of being betrayed, she’ll not be happy in the relationship. People often talk about whether “feelings are justified” or not, but does it really matter? We can change a lot of things; we cannot change the way we feel. Sure, we may be able to suppress emotions, but that doesn’t mean they’re gone. (It would make life a lot easier, though. Hope they’re working on some pills already.)
So, why stay with someone who makes you feel miserable?
I’ve never had a friend for whom misery suddenly and magically turned into happiness. (It may have happened, just like guys who cheat on their wives sometimes end up leaving them for their lovers. It just isn’t exactly an everyday occurrence.)
I had this feeling that something was “off” with my last boyfriend about three months into dating him. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I certainly thought he was seeing someone else, hell, even that he might be married. I had no proof of anything.
The feeling wouldn’t go away. I became more and more frustrated and miserable, yet hung on waiting for some great epiphany.
It arrived in ways I’d never imagined and are too complicated to give details about here. They included obtaining criminal records through a friend who works for the local PD, and even being butt dialed by someone and listening in on a convo on the other end if the line for a half an hour. (No, you cannot make up shit like that. It was all more surreal than any daytime soap opera.)
The guy who seemed squeaky clean that way turned out to be a criminal who likes to take other people’s money in very sophisticated ways. He’s also been at it for several years.
(No, as far as I know, he isn’t taking money from people he dates.)
Had I listened to my gut telling me each and every damn day that something was wrong, I now wouldn’t be able to say that I’ve dated a criminal and I wouldn’t have YET another reason to be cautious/paranoid.
Just something TbT might consider.
Super Lurve
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I agree with Jami’s assessment – if you really want to be with THIS guy, then you HAVE to trust him 100%. Which means absolutely believing him and then putting it behind you, completely. This is something I’ve had to do with friends, when we’ve had problems and I’ve had to take my hurt feelings and battered ego and just drop it. But that didn’t involve what might have been lies or cheating.
I have, however, dated someone who was cheating on me. I even had people telling me he was cheating on me, and I didn’t believe them. And I stuck it out for way longer than I should have, and ended up breaking up with him after his other girlfriend actually called me and said, “You know I’m dating and sleeping with(insert name of douchebag here), right?” So, I should have trusted my instincts on that one, despite the out and out sexiness of said douchebag. Ah, youth.
Your choices are – drop it and choose to trust him and marry him for the right reasons, OR break up with him.
I don’t know which I’d do, to be honest.
Good luck.
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just another angle, and hear me out on this one, does he ever get nosebleeds? it’s really common for hockey, rugby, football players to use a tampon to stop nosebleeds… which can be even worse with a deviated septum (does he snore?) and a lot of sports guys have d/s. anyhoo, i saw the “shove-a-tampon-up-your-nose” idea on Sex&theCity but in my 2nd year of law school a classmate had a raging bloody nose in the middle of a Family Law lecture and tissues and starbucks napkins weren’t cutting it. A cleverly hidden tampon (surrounded by starbucks napkins) got him through the nosebleed without missing a minute of class…
i for one keep O.B.’s in the front seat of my car for such occasions and would never ever use applicator-less for anything else.
so, maybe he would be embarrassed to tell “oh, honey, that’s my OB tampon…. i shove it up my nostril.”
just sayin’ there might ACTUALLY be a plausible explanation for this
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And you know… Even if he is a cheating skuzzbucket, picturing him with bloody tampons up his nose (you choose where the blood came from — either the tramps vajine or his own nose after you clock him), it kind of makes everything feel better to laugh at the mental image, doesn’t it?
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As much as I like the idea of using a tampon for nosebleeds, I don’t really buy that he’d be too embarrassed to tell her that it was for this purpose, especially if he apparently feels close enough to her to propose marriage. It just seems that it would be easier all around to explain its real use than to give a lame, convoluted and paranoia-inducing reason for its presence.
Super Lurve
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I find it very hard to believe that a tampon from any girl (roommate or slut) would find its way INTO A SHOE–especially one that he has worn since he moved? Gimme a break…he’s cheated… so either forgive and move forward or dump him and move on. Good luck.
Super Lurve
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You wrote you are convinced he is lying, but you also wrote you wanted to accept his proposal so at very least I would back things off, and get a little perspective. I am really sorry you are so conflicted, it sucks big time to be in that situation.
I do feel his whole explanation is really a stretch of the imagination and I’d be really hard pressed to buy into it.
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Yea… You know, sometimes we look for reasons why we ought to leave even though we’re not yet ready to bail. Maybe you need a few more signs like this to get some perspective…?
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I honestly can’t think of a reason why a man would have a tampon in a shoe in his bedroom other than that a woman accidentally dropped it there. And I can’t imagine that, faced with his fiance’s deep concerns about it, he would hide the real explanation (other than cheating) – no matter how embarrassing – and insist on ignorance. And then get mad about her concerns over something quite obviously suspicious.
Thing is, if you want to spend your life with someone – decades of affection and companionship and disagreements and money problems – don’t you need to have total trust in them? Don’t you need to be sure that he loves you so much that he acknowledges your feelings of concern and then does the best he can to set your mind at ease? (And really, innocence and respect are not that hard to spot in an excuse.)
You simply don’t trust him. The reason may be that he’s cheating OR he may be completely dedicated to you and instead the reason is that you’re insecure. Sure, you can work on your own reactions instead of focusing on others’ actions, but if you can’t overcome the mistrust, wherever it comes from, then perhaps your relationship isn’t strong enough right now to take the final, meaningful and permanent step of marriage.
If he’s not making a damn good effort to explain where the Hell that tampon came from and is instead getting mad at you for insisting on a realistic answer, that’s a problem with communication that goes deeper than cheating or an innocent tampon (if there is such a thing).
Super Lurve
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If you don’t trust him, don’t marry him. Seriously. Do you want to spend the rest of your life second-guessing him?
If you can’t find a reason for this situation that puts your mind at ease, you don’t trust him. If you don’t trust him, why are you staying with him?
It’s so hard to leave a relationship when you love someone, but something shreds your trust in them. You want to believe the best, but can’t help but believe the worst. It’s confusing and painful and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Have you mentioned the tampon to the ex-roomie that still stops by? Next time you see her, ask if she has a spare. If it’s a different brand, you KNOW his excuse is bullshit. If it is the same brand… it sounds like you know his excuse is bullshit anyways.
Good luck.
Super Lurve
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It sounds like you know the answer already. His story just doesn’t add up, and you believe in your heart that he’s lying, but…what do you do with that?
Beleieve me, I’ve been there. He sounds a lot like my ex, who, yes, cheated on me.
So, while you really want to believe his story, your gut won’t let you. The fact that you can’t just let it go, that you’re feeling the need to cross-check his story, by examining every angle, and even comparing it with your own stash of tampons, attests to that. Basically, you know deep down that he’s lying. You want him to make this easier on you, by manning up and saying “Yes. You caught me. I’m a douchebag.” That way, you’d know for sure. That way, you’d know exactly what you’re dealing with, and your choices would be clear. But, it’s obvious at this point,that he is not going to do that. Regardless, your choices are still the same. Can you live with what you believe in your heart to be true?
I am bothered by the fact that he got “really angry” with you for being upset by the situation. If the roles had been reversed, and he had found, say, a condom in your shoe, when he doesn’t use them, would you have responded by being very angry, or would you have seen his very legitimate right to be concerned, and tried to resolve the situation?
His anger is a diversionary tactic. (Once again, I’ve been there.) By getting angry, it takes the focus off of him, and turns it back to you. Makes you feel like the guilty party. Like the crazy one. That way, he gets to be the victim in all of this. Don’t fall for it.
Super Lurve
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I can only back up what Luna and Liz R. said; if he REALLY cared enough for you to propose marriage, then he shouldn’t get angry at you for wanting him to ease your suspicions.
Another note, it’s not uncommon for guys to say they want to marry you (and even go as far as proposing) just to continue the relationship. For one reason or another, they want to keep you around, but still want to have their fun on the side, and they think they can distract you from any shortcomings on their part by waving a shiny ring in front of you.
Like everyone else has said, you can either forgive and forget and marry him, or dump his cheating ass.
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Doesn’t even sound like an accident. It rather looks like the boyfriend has another GF on the side, who knows about TbT and tries to make her leave.
Super Lurve
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My question is, the tampon is quite damaging, but aside from that, what else is causing this suspicion? A tampon on it’s own is not proof. His behavior tells more. What’s he like when you aren’t around? I don’t wanna tell you to snoop (for lots of reasons) but you need to dig deeper. If you want to get married, you need to know for sure. Ask around. Ask the former female roomie if it’s hers. Just saying, it’s worth investigating.
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I agree with everyone who has suggested to talk to the former female roomie (and the other roomies, too). It’s entirely possible that one or more of them are painfully immature and put a tampon in his shoe on purpose as some bizarre joke. If none of the roomies come clean, then I say dump him. I can’t imagine a tampon accidentally falling in a shoe, so my guess is that he is having an affair with someone who knows about you and wanted you to find out about her.
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As someone that has cheated and a man I have a point to make. When men are cornered we will say anything to get out of trouble. I bet the first thing he said was “What tampon?”. Next would probably be that it was yours. Third, the old friend/roomate. Fourth, roommates playing a prank. Fifth, it must have fallen out of the ceiling. And so on, and so on, and so on !!! Get a clue, men lie !!! It sounds like the little head thinking for the big head. Just ask yourself one question, is this the man you want to raise children with ??? Good luck.
Super Lurve
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That’s a good point. But just as a note, it’s not because he’s a man — cheating women will do the exact same thing.
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I think more people should consider the “want to raise children with” issue – even if you don’t want children. And the more specific question: If I had children, is this the kind of person I would want them to grow up to be just like?
If I had considered that angle – and really used my brain instead of my insecurities and hormones to arrive at an answer – I could have saved myself, and my son, years of heartache and frustration.
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Of all the Datewrecks you’ve shared with us here, how come THIS is the one that is grossing me out?
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Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken and the only ones left are handicapped.
We\\\\\\\'re on the fence. And it hurts our no-no zone.
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Jami, your advice is generally sound. However, I’ll add one point: I lived with a woman for some time, and I’m still finding tampons in the oddest places. I’m pretty messy, and it’s entirely conceivable one could migrate into my shoe.
That’s not to say this guy ISN’T cheating, and it’s not to say she should take a chance on it. I’m just pointing out that I don’t find the mysterious tampon that perplexing.
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Yea… I think that there’s more to her lack of trust here than what she’s sharing.
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I was going to say the same thing. There are times when I drift into my “relaxed” living attitude, which in truth is more of a “frat guy on spring break” attitude. There isn’t ANYTHING I couldn’t conceivably find in an odd place among either mine of my man’s stuff.
List of weird things includes:
-hamburger forgotten in my purse
-tampons in shoes, desk drawers, and lost in the couch (NOT USED)
-lipstick in my ex’s car, 4 YEARS after we broke up, found by his new wife.
-random phone numbers I accused my boyfriend of getting from women, but which I’d actually taken down and forgotten about.
-condoms in my glove compartment, courtesy of my roommate (and found by my Christian mother)
Yes, the trust issue is the real thing here. But like someone said above, check his reaction and actions afterward. Also, guys are stupid and he may think that blowing it off is the only way to not seem like he’s hiding something, even if he’s innocent.
If you CHOOSE to trust him and stay with him, remember it is a choice! And yeah, maybe keep your eyes open a bit.
-
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I’ve found mysterious underwear in my bf’s bedroom at his parent’s house once.
I was intensely suspicious and very prying about it…in the end it turned out to be his sister’s (gross), and I was the one looking like a jerk. I would have found out before I did (about 3 hours later), but I hate his sister with a passion and refuse to talk to her. So when he said “I don’t know”, I assumed he was hiding something. After I was a bitch for long enough, he went and asked his mom if she knew, and she did…
I have to point out that anger is a default emotion for a lot of people that are cornered and don’t have an explanation or don’t want to face what’s going on. The tampon makes me less suspicious than his over-defensiveness.
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I am no stranger to shoe sabotage. Several years ago, a jerkwad manager of mine wound up with anchovies in his shoes that he routinely left in the office. Why? Because a coworker and I put ‘em there. What are the odds that this may be a prank and/or act of relationship sabotage from a friend/housemate? Time to interrogate some suspects before drawing any conclusions.
Think about it. Where does the tampon go when you put it in your purse? The very bottom, right? Even if there was a trollop up in that joint, you would have more likely found lip gloss, a hair scrunchie, or something of that nature.
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For what it’s worth, I think he’s lying about SOMETHING based on “He got really angry when he realized how upset this was making me,” and I’m willing to bet that the words “it’s a goddamn tampon for fuck’s sake” came directly from his mouth at some point. I would be just as suspicious as TbT is, perhaps more so, and I think she should listen to what her instincts are telling her, even if – perhaps especially if – she doesn’t like what they’re saying.
Having said all that, I hate to cloud the issue even further, but there could be another valid reason for it. Someone above mentioned using tampons to staunch a nosebleed, and although I know people who do that, I ALSO know that saying, “Uh, yeah, this sounds weird but I get nosebleeds… stop laughing” is going to be less scary to most men than the prospect of their would-be fiancee walking out over a misunderstanding.
So I have to say that my first instinct when reading this was that the boyfriend may have been experimenting with anal play. It’s something that many men feel terribly uncomfortable admitting, but also very curious about. Introducing a small object into the anus during masturbation is pretty common. Most straight men won’t take on anything much bigger around than a finger (at least, not at first…) – a tampon would be just about the proper size and “texture” to provide a stimulation boost.
So… what if we have a boyfriend who’s about to experiment with a little auto-erotic anal stimulation? He shucks off his shoes, pants, and underwear, grabs a porn mag and some lotion, picks up the tampon and settles down on the bed. Suddenly, the doorbell rings, or someone opens a door down the hall, and the boyfriend realizes that his session is about to be interrupted. Oh shit! What if someone comes in and sees the tampon and realizes he’s into anal stimulation? His whole masculine identity will be threatened! Oh noes! His girlfriend will think he’s Teh Gay! Where to hide the tampon? Quick – stick it in the shoe, shove the shoe under the bed, scrabble back into the pants, and act normal! Then when she finds the tampon, he can’t possibly admit to any of this. He feels threatened and cornered, which leads to anger as (as has been mentioned) a diversionary tactic…
This of course begs the question of “where/how did he get just ONE tampon” or “why not use one of the girlfriend’s tampons” – but who knows.
This entire theory, it should be noted, is also dependent on the assumption that the boyfriend does not express an interest in anal play – it’s all predicated on the notion that he would want to keep this “experiment” secret at all costs – that he’s operating on the basis of “better for her to think I’m cheating than to realize I wanted to know how it felt to have something up my bum when I masturbated.”
If you ask me, though, I would consider the possibility of that scenario for a while… and then probably still decide that he’s cheating.
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