Do The Math

So I got this submission the other day:

HOT MALE FOR FEMALE – m4w

Cole Bartiromo, 25, the infamous younger cousin of CNBC’s “Money Honey” Maria Bartiromo, is in federal prison until this summer and needs someone to write to. Known for his million dollar investment company at 17 and in high school (see his news clips at youtube.com/colebartiromo).

Ps. he is the one in the middle of the pic. You have to snail mail Cole with a stamp. Contact for address.

And I’m kind of like, “Oh, bless his heart. I wonder what this poor kid did to get himself locked up. Probably something predicitable for a guy that looks like that — vehicular manslaughter or DUI or concealing those two weapons under his shirt.”

So, like any self-respecting online dater, I googled him.

Apparently, this joker scammed a shit ton of investors for a million bucks back when he was seventeen (I know I shouldn’t, but I’m kind of like HIGH FIVE DUDE!). He settled the case and paid back the investors but then got in trouble AGAIN in 2004! He scammed a shit ton of people on ebay. (Who knew you could go to JAIL for that shit?) Also, who the fuck still shops on ebay? I guess in 2004 they did, bleh. He was sentenced to 33 months in jail which, according to my math, would have put him back on the mean streets in 2007.

I also found this link, which is kind of hilarious.

I can’t find any other news about his current situation, but I did find his myspace which, interestingly enough is set to private, but he’s got loads of public pictures.

So, let’s make fun of those pictures, shall we?

No, but clearly you ARE conceited, Cole. I was totally going to email you until I saw this picture. *pout* You know how I feel about shirtless bathroom mirror shots.

Note: When going to court, don’t wear a stupid v-neck with a polo underneath. You will probably lose and end up in jail like Cole.

This dazzling number is also his “let’s try to look nice for my sister’s graduation” look:

And everybody needs a picture with a black man when they’re in jail. The body language here is saying that the black dude was his bitch though.

Apparently, there was an altercation with his chocolate lover which left poor Cole with a broken leg while in the slamma’.

The great news here is that if his midnight lover hadn’t broken his leg in a lover’s quarrel, he would have never met Loco & Jose. These two men proved to be the real loves of his life.

I found the listing again in Houston (screenshot here), though it seems that the author isn’t just stuck in a time warp, he/she is also stuck on control+v.

So, if you’re feeling like it, you can pen a love letter and lightly mist it with your Jean Nate before you slap on the red lipstick and seal-it-with-a-kiss, but your letter will probably come back because I don’t think old Cole is still in jail.

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