Last month, you guys had your shot on He Said — She Said — You Said: I Think Her Eyes Are Following Me.

Some of the comments that missed the win were:

• Oh, God! This is impossible. All I can think about is how much she looks like Dorothy Zbornak (apologies, Bea).

-Slager

• “When you come over the lights will be off”. So you don’t see my five o’clock shadow.

-Wendy

• Yeah, I was pretty sure that was so she could better hide her penis… She probably has some sort of rare sexually transmitted diseases that are unique to her and anyone who’s been spelunking in her lady-cave.

-Also a Sarah

• “I feel SO sorry for the cameraman that took the photo. She’s obviously flashing her bedroom eyes, and I bet you approximately three seconds after the flash, she slammed all 188lbs. into the poor guy and gave him a good licking… “You should message me if you’re looking to have discreet, rough, spitty sex with a four-armed woman.”

-Samantha

• I got stuck on “I am very clean.” Juxtaposed with the licking all over I can’t help thinking she’s a cat.

-Charles Dexter Ward

Paige took in 73 thumbs up her… er… her comment. Yes. That’s it. Dirty girl. The rest of you need to step up your game — she pretty much blew you all out of the water.

SO!

Up on deck, BBWMary4u, a demure office worker by day and a submissive crusty assed slut by night! I’m warning you ahead of time… Your next few moments of scrolling down this post will be difficult. You can get through it. I’m right here, holding your hand!

(And yes, we are all in agreement that this profile was most assuredly written by a man — possibly her lover. Maybe one or both of them get off of this absolutely apalling objectification of poor Mary, but whatever… It’s called suspension of disbelief, folks. It makes for a better post! Get on board!)

Jami: Ahhh… The vacant look in the eyes. There ain’t nothing that gets my motor revvin’ more than looking at my partner and realizing that nothing is zinging across the synapses.

PC: (Channeling Miss Swan from MadTV) She looka like a man.  You’re familiar with cottage cheese thighs?  This is the rare cottage cheese face.

Paige: Is it just me or does that necklace look like a dog collar? Part of their domination play perhaps?

Jami: I was waiting for one of you to mention it — I don’t want to take all the good jokes, but holy shit — that’s a beee-yew-ti-ful multi-colored mullet, no?

Jami: YES! Porn couch! Porn couch! (If you’ve got a black leather couch, I’m telling you — I hope you bought that shit new because black leather couches are made for porn!)

Paige: So true, sure as La-z-boys were made for rednecks, black leather couches were made to provide a little cushion for the pushin’.

PC: She looks like Princess Leia should be chained to her ankle.  Jabba the Slut.

PC: I’m pretty sure she’s trying to hypnotize me, either with her lopsided boobs or with that tablecloth she’s wrapped around her “waist”.

Jami: Dirty walls… Stained shirt… Fake wood floors. It’s gettin’ hot in hurr.

Paige: Who in their right mind helped her match that outfit? Maroon shirt, blue and green skirt, black tights… the only thing that would make this better was if she was wearing birkenstocks or crocs to tie the whole look together.

Jami: Paige, I’m telling you… I would bet my leather couch that she wears white sneakers with those black pantyhose.

Jami: About face!

PC: Tough call, which side is worse?  Don’t get me wrong though, I like big butts, and I can not lie.

Jami: That’s the only song I’ve ever sung at karaoke.

Paige: I literally laughed out loud when I saw this one… then I thought of the end of the Blair Witch Project. Suddenly it wasn’t so funny.

Jami: This.

Paige: Head, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees and toes!

PC: And also, this.

Jami: Oh, yes… YES. That, guys. PC’s is WAY funnier than mine.

PC: See what I did there? I went old school. That’s why they pay me the big bucks.

PC: No, don’t go there, that’s the couch.  End of the hall, on your left.

Jami: Mary!  You wear control top!? I thought you were just naturally slim!

Paige: I was shocked there were no spanx under there. If you look right around where her hands are holding up the skirt, you can see a little muffin top peeking out.

Jami: Nothing quite like a saggy crotch and the ol’ condom roll down at the waist.

Jami: [shaking head] Oh… No, no, no, no… Please make it stop.

Paige: I can’t Jami. I wish I could but I can’t. Just like I wish she would have brushed her hair before taking these photos.

PC: Yeah, well I wish she didn’t have little buttocks behind her knees, but there’s really nothing we can do about it.

Jami: It’s all just very… unfortunate.

Jami: Please excuse me. My eyes just shriveled up and dropped out of my skull. As long as I keep my hands on the home keys, I should be able to keep typing this post out.

PC: Kinda like looking down the barrel of a loaded gun, isn’t it?

Paige: Wow, gives “Assume the Position” a whole new meaning. ‘scuse me while I go guzzle some brain bleach.

Jami: I need a long stick… I just want to poke her with it.

BBWMary4u

48 / F / Straight / Available

South Milwaukee, Wisconsin

I am a BBW, Woman, and I love Sex.

Jami: So you’re a big, beautiful woman, *snort*… woman. Thanks for covering that for me, honey.

Paige: That’s like when people call them ATM Machines. Automated Teller Machine Machine? Big Beautiful Woman Woman?

PC: I think it’s like a daily affirmation Paige.  If she keeps saying it over and over again, maybe someday it will be true.  Hey, two out of three ain’t bad (assuming she really is a woman).

My Self-Summary

I love being wined and dined, etc.

PC: I’ll bet you a shiny nickel that both the wining and the dining come from a cardboard box.

Jami: Oh, well that’s classy… I wonder what she means by “etc”… Maybe dessert… Perhaps one of those shitty room temperature boxes of Krispy Kreme Doughnuts from the grocery store.

Paige: Where is the justice in the world when this woman gets wined and dined and I have to go dutch on pizza and a movie?

Then I love to be taken home for a private sex session, pose for pictures, or taken to a motel for group sex sessions.

Jami: Oh. There it is. That’s my girl! I think the particularly (not) startling thing about this line is that she wants to be taken to a MOtel, not a HOtel… Or a Holiday Inn.

PC: So, the options are private sex, pictures, or group sex.  I need for you to stop doing all of those things immediately.

Paige: I think we’re ignoring the real victims of this scenario, the motel cleaning crew that has to come in after said group sex session.

Jami: And us. US.

I am an executive secretary and professional woman. But I am also a submissive sex slave to men. I am into all types of perverted sex games, and love gang bangs. I love to have all of my holes filled with large objects and have them stretched wide open, etc. I also like to be degraded and punished for being a dirty girl, etc.

Jami: It’s like a god-damn Hallmark card. Happy Valentine’s Day, guys.

Paige: She likes being punished for being a dirty girl, etc? What else is she being punished for? Bad grades? Sneaking out to go to the High School dance? Cleaning out the liquor cabinet while her parents are on vacation? I think perhaps whoever wrote this profile wanted to leave all scenarios open ended, just in case a John Hughes movie broke out in the middle of a “Sex Session.”

PC: Normally I would see a phrase like “professional woman” and make a hooker joke, but I’m seriously considering paying this woman to stop having sex, altogether.

Jami and Paige, all together: “I’m seriously considering paying this woman to stop having sex.”

I am attached but my man just watches and arranges sex sessions for me with other guys.

Jami: I’m going to guess that her man is impotent.

PC: Would you fuck her?  If he wasn’t impotent before he met her, he is now.

Paige: Or an amateur cinematographer… if you catch my drift. By attached, do you think she means handcuffed?

What I’m doing with my life

Basically I go to the office during the day, and come home, remove my clothes, pose for pictures, or have sex, etc.

Jami: You know, tra la la. This my day. Do de doo doo. No big whup.

Paige: No way! Me too! Except instead of removing my clothes and posing for pictures, I eat dinner and do laundry. But other than that, it’s like totally the same.

PC: (Insert fat joke, regarding the SIZE of her portfolio, here.)

I’m really good at

I am really good at giving head.

PC: Okay, as the only guy in the forum, I’m gonna go ahead and speak up.  As a general rule, when women inform us about how good they are at giving head, they, for lack of a better term, suck at it.  And it’s not like we piggish males need any fantastic oral gymnastics either, I mean your basic bread and butter, run of the mill, no frills blowjob is guaranteed to be a vast improvement over whatever else I’ve done today.  But when you oversell it, we tend to expect fireworks, and end up getting scraped by your teeth.  Stop doing that.

Jami: It’s just like when dudes say that they’re great at cunnilingus. If I was a guy, I’d probably be fond of sexual positions that would prevent me from viewing those caterpillars on her face, too.

Paige: Peter Gallagher called… he wants his eyebrows back.

The first things people usually notice about me

The first things people notice about me is that I look like a well dressed Lady, and an office worker.

Jami: [choke, sputter, gurgle]

Paige: It’s okay Jami, she might mean home office… I hope she means home office.

PC: Think about it though, she might be talking about The Office. If Dwight and Phyllis had a baby, and Meredith was the surrogate, it might look like this woman.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food

I love to read real life type books.
I love 70′s music, and I love seafood.

Jami: Here’s what I think — if you can’t remember the name of the genre of book that you prefer, chances are you don’t read them much. I can picturing her padding around in her white sneakers and black pantyhose after work, up and down the aisles at Borders looking for the “Real Life Type” book section.

PC: Imagine her sitting down to a platter of calamari, right before a “group sex session”.

Paige: I just gagged on real life type vomit.

The six things I could never do without

sex
sex
sex
sex
sex
sex

Jami: SHE CAN COUNT!

Paige: I’m gonna get up on my soapbox here. If a genie gave you 3 wishes you wouldn’t wish for the same thing 3 times, because that’s just plain stupid. Likewise, if a question asks for 6 things you can’t live without… IT MEANS 6 DIFFERENT THINGS.

PC: Maybe she meant six different kinds of sex.  Let your mind wander with that concept for a while.

Jami: [counting] Yea, I’ve only got three holes that could be used for sex… I’m a nostril/ear/eye sex virgin!

I spend a lot of time thinking about

Sex.

PC: I think she likes sex.

Jami: No shit, really? I love a transparent person.

Paige: I’m shocked that she doesn’t sit around contemplating nuclear fusion.

On a typical Friday night I am

Either posing for private pictures for guys, or going out to eat, and then either coming home for a private sex session with my man, optionally photographing it for other guys to see. Or going to a motel for a group sex session with a bunch of guys for the weekend.

Jami: [shaking my head] Do you think her co-workers know?

PC: What, that she likes to fuck, or that she likes to eat?  Because the answer is yes, and yes.

Paige: Question, does her man have to schedule the sex sessions like everyone else? “Private Sex Session” sounds like a reservation-type thing, like getting a table at PF Changs or making a Doctor’s appointment.

Jami: “Yea, I’ve got front-to-back appointments this afternoon, but I think I can probably squeeze you between my knee-asses around four.”

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here

I do not always wipe my butt hole that well.

Jami: [slamming a large steamer trunk closed] There we go. That’s everything. I’m done. I’m leaving. This is too much.

Paige: See underwear pictures above…

PC: Turns out they call it the third input because sometimes, sometimes it’s the last place in the world you would want to go.  Like Newark.

You should message me if

You want to see more of me, or if you want to connect up for a sex session.

PC: Ah, L’Amour. Or, L’Amour. Or, for that matter, L’Amour. Oh, wait, YouTube just exploded.

Jami: I’m pretty sure I’ve seen all I care to ever see of you, Mary. God forbid we actually have to look at your (likely) unruly curly cumdumpster.

Paige: Thank god this profile didn’t include surprise pics of her cavern snatch, my mind can’t shake the image of the bat cave, which only makes me think of that creepy fanfic from last week.