Reach For The Stars!

Sometimes when I get a submission, I’m taken back to a period in my personal life where I relate to the Date Wreck in question. This is not a particularly comfortable notion, given that the Date Wrecks have teh crayzee and I’m supposed to be full of win. Aaaanyway, this particular submission took me back…

…waaaay back…

[insert flashback sequence]

…to when I was fourteen years old. I was at bible camp that summer and we were told by our youth minister to pray specific prayers for the man we wanted God to bring us to marry. Now, if you’re going to ask me why fourteen year old girls were being primed to be wives already, I’m going to tilt my head, smile sweetly and then tell you that we don’t have time to get into all the reasons why my religious upbringing was fucked up.

Most of the girls found it easy to fill their lists — their husbands would be spiritual, courageous, a leader, love children, etc. Me? I was a little too literal I think, even for muh lawd Jeez-us. I started listing things like ”chicken legs” (don’t judge me… I like them!), “dark hair”, “calloused hands”, etc.

Needless to say, Jeebus hasn’t brought me my husband yet… I suppose some things really ARE bigger than god. Heh.

In hindsight, it’s a little ridiculous to include a whole lot of really specific things in your proverbial wishlist for your mate. Maybe I could learn this Craigslist Crazy a thing or two.

Looking for wife – 26 (North Prairie, WI)

26 years old, 6′ 3″ 180lbs. Average body type, brown hair blue/gray eyes

Thinks I’m looking for:
I am looking for a wife. I want an attractive mate… one that is thin and fit, over weight just turns me off. I like girls that have blue eyes or brown eyes, I like girls with long strait hair over short or curly. I stay to the whites… though I have had very good friends from other colors. I’m a little for a girl who has over a 50% German blood line… 75% to 100%. I want a virgin wife… that is a 100% MUST HAVE, I am a virgin if any one wants to know. I want a girl who is not afraid to go into a sex/love relationship. If you are sexually active in ways let me know what it is you have done/do. If you smoke or use any other drugs sorry but… Drinkers are ok, I drink from time to time so. I want a wife who wants about 4 kids; I will go for 2 if my wife wishes not to give birth 4 times… lol. A good paying job is always a help, so please let me know what it is you do. I work on cars and hope to run a bar and grill some day as well.

My wishes:
I want 4 kids, 2 dogs, and 2 cats. I want to live in a house that has a large kitchen, 2 or 2 1/2 baths, 4 bedrooms… big house. I’m German so I would like to name my First son Manfred… named for Manfred von Ritchthofen AKA The Red Baron. My first girl Morgan, named after the German word for morning. My boy dog, a German shepherd… Baron. I want to live some place where skiing is good. Canada or Colorado… Wisconsin, Minnesota, Illinois, UP Michigan, or Germany.

Thing I do for fun:
I have an XBOX 360 witch I play to much. Once a year I go skiing with my brothers and some of there friends… no girls allowed. We ski for two days in a weekend, gone for about four days. I like to go to car shows in the summer just to look and chat with owners. I like movies… war, horror… what ever I’m in for.

Things I have done:
I have worked as a Lumberjack for the better part of my life… from age 12-18. I ran wave runners and snowmobiles, I have worked in restaurants, Wal-marts, Quick lubes, Ford dealerships… so on and so on, I was in a relationship where I asked a girl to be my wife… that went well as we all know. I was in the Army for about 3 months but I was sent home with medical problems. Depression mainly… I can fight and kill if you need to know what it is I got from it.

Things I want to do:
I would like to one day get out to Germany, see all of it… see where my blood line all came from. I want a wife before I’m 30… my first baby before 31.

I look at my life and I know I got allot I need to work on, but I am a loving person… one who only wants his girl to be happy. Please some one help make my dreams come true.

I think the biggest problem with ads like this is that they start out really, really bad: I am looking for a wife. It really makes me wonder how many holes are in someone’s brain when “wife” is where someone decides to start their hunt and Craigslist is where they set their course.

So, let’s cover the basics: you should be thin and fit and probably have long and straight blonde hair. You need to be able to show your AKC KGB papers and also your V-card and/or your hymen… Unless you know, you’ve got really big tits or something — I mean, if you’ve already started fucking, but you’re really hot, I think he’ll be okay with that. Either that, or he just wants to hear you talk about your sex life. You should also have child bearing hips and maaaaaybe a cavernous vagina.

Oh. And a job. A really good job… Because Magnus over here wants to open up a Beers & Brats Bar one day… some day… maybe.

But wait! I think… Mmhmm… Yes! We’ve got someone on the line here. She says her name is Helga. She has wooden shoes and loves beer! She has four kids named Manfred, Morgan, [incoherent mumbling] and Schnitzengruben . She also has two dogs, Baron and Miss Princess — oh shit. Miss Princess is a deal breaker, eh? FahrvergnÃ¼gen!

The one good thing I can say about this ad is how honest he is with you about his propencity to play too much on his XBOX. If only he’d be honest with HIMSELF about why his dreams aren’t coming true! Turn the video games offfffffffffffffffff, you dullard!

The “better part” of his life was from 12-18. This, my friends, is what we call peaking-in-high-school. And what does it mean to “run” wave runners? Like… race ‘em? Ride ‘em? I’m also curious what the so on and so on jobs might be… God my imagination just tingles at the thought! Gas station pumper guy! Motel clerk!!! KMART SHOPPING CART CORRAL-ER DUDE! [fans face] Whew! Oh muh gawd. That was good, man.

C’mon now guys… Time is a’wastin’! You’ve only got four years to woo his leiderhosen to his ankles and you better make good use of his weinerschnitzel and make some kleinkind shoot out yer clanker.