Dear DW,
My boyfriend can’t come from vaginal sex or oral sex, he can only come from jerking himself off after we’ve had sex. It’s not really a problem I guess because he does take care of me first, but it makes me feel bad about myself. What is wrong with me? It’s insulting to work hard to get him off only to have to give up and let him do it for me. He assures me that he enjoys sex with me, but without the big finish I’m left feeling slighted.
Thanks,
Fed Up
Possibly one of the most deafening sounds that can be made in the bedroom is the frustrated and exhausted sounds of a dude trying so desperately to make your pearl necklace appear. The exasperated grunts of your man and your desperate attempt to keep your o-face on while he pumps into you like a jackhammer — no doubt, it sucks.
Your problem isn’t unusual though, as every dude and every dick are different. As bad as you feel about the situation, imagine how he feels.
It could be that you have a cavernous vagina and therefore, don’t provide the friction that his expulsion needs. It could be that he has a pencil dick and no matter how many vaginal rejuvenations you underwent, he’d still be tossing his hot dog down the hallway. Maybe it’s his physical condition — his dick wants two hours of hot sex but his heart and lungs can only muster up fifteen minutes before his clammy body gives up to exhaustion. Maybe he needs really HARD stimulation and you’re going to need to gnaw on his member and draw blood BEFORE you can draw semen.
Really though, whatever his issue is, you don’t need to feel responsible for his inability to splooge from intercourse in spite of what Bernard Apfelbaum suggests. Ol’ Bernie has studied “retarded ejaculation” and believes that not being able to come during sex is attributed to a low level of arousal. Of course, my rebuttal to Mr. AppleBottom is this: If my dude can get an erection when he sees my lady bits, clearly there is some level of arousal.
One of my exboyfriends couldn’t come from sex and it was baffling to me. I mean, everybody knows I’ve got an ego on me, so the idea that he COULDN’T get off was a mind bender. Dude. Come on. It’s me. Look at me! After a lot of talking and frustrated arguments and insecurity-fueled tears, we figured out that it was due to two things: mostly, he was afraid of getting me pregnant and, in addition, the way that he jerked off was totally different than the way his pee fit into my vee.
Yes, intercourse felt GOOD to him, but he couldn’t get past the mental block of impregnating me and being responsible for a bunch of mini-Jamis running around. We tried different positions and he switched up the way that he jerked off a little bit and gradually, he learned on his own, with no pressure from the naked chick laying under him, how to control his orgasms.
But let’s not be too hard on the guys — I mean, how many women can climax from vaginal intercourse? Only twenty percent!
In my situation, after I explained to him (with websites and pamphlets) how effective my birth control choice was and we agreed to track my ovulation (it eased his mind to know when my “most fertile” times were). I also gave him space to finish his way sometimes, without worry of hurt feelings or judgments on my part.
You’re on the right track, Fed Up. Rest assured, nothing is wrong with your hoo-hoo and nothing is wrong with his dingaling.
Love,
DW
