I Got Five On It

So, I saw a link on Facebook this week for Fiverr.com and, as is my custom, I’ll scroll through a new website and look for something even remotely Date Wrecks related.

Most of the time I come up short because the Date Wrecks tend to gather around the dating websites like slippery stanky pigs around theÂ trough. Oink-Oink-SQUEAL.

But I found this! I was so excited! Here, let me explain.

Fiverr.com is this website where people can post something they would do or give to you for $5. The website keeps a dollar on every transaction, but it’s certainly an interesting idea.

There were some fairly righteous items up for grabs, I thought:

I will write and record a custom rap song on ANY subject or person for $5

Holy shit. I would listen to the SHIT out of something like that. Have you guys ever heard of this? Lady Raptastic is my BITCH. We go way back. Seriously, best way to spend a Friday night at home drinking with your best friend. You end up breaking up with your mailman because, c’mon asshole, his idea of splurging is saying ‘super sized.’ So to actually get a CUSTOM rap song as a gift?? Oh, jeez. That would probably be one of the best ways to spend $5 I could even imagine.

I will make a virtual breast surgery for your wife or girlfriend (photo) for $5

SCORE! I’m sure we can farm out these services to a bunch of bitches online who need to doctor the ol’ pictures up for the personal ad, right?! I wonder what he would charge me to get rid of my stretch marks…? Or to color in my roots for me. I’d pay $5 for that shit.

I will create a newspaper dress for $5

Nothing says ‘couture’ quite like yesterday’s Weekly World News crumpled up around your ass and tits. But shit, it’s only five bucks. At the very least, you could just uncrinkle it all and read yesterday’s news.

I will translate any text to Icelandic for $5

Damn, Bjork. C’mon girl… I’d buy another chirpy, shreiky album. Don’t do this, girl… You’re worth more than this!

But there were two that really caught my eye. The first is… I mean, for $5, I think this could be reasonable. Coffee is expensive as shit now, guys.

I will go out to drink tea or coffee with you for $5

I am a 19 year old male and I enjoy meeting new people. I like to think that I am interesting and am very social.

If you live in the Asheville, NC area and want to go hang out downtown for an hour or so just send me a message.

I am always available on weekends and on most days during the week. If you want to grab a drink before you go to work, before class, or something like that I’m completely open.

I’m so social, I have to resort to selling myself for $4 profit online in order to get someone to sit down to drink their caffeine with me!

I’m such a poor Ashe-villian hipster that I use this as an excuse to get $4 so that I can purchase my Organic, Fair Trade, Soy Latte w/ Stevia Sweetener.

The other doozie is this one which, I’m not really sure how anyone could pass on this EXCEPTIONAL bargain:

I will be your boyfriend for 24 hours. What a deal! (Orlando Only) for $5

I will be your BF for exactly 24 hrs. I will go out on dates with you, meet your friends/family, hold your hand, tell you are beautiful(even if you’re not), change my relationship status on Facebook, cuddle, argue and drive to all dates.

Terms & Conditions: Legal-age females only. Relationship ends exactly after 24 hours. Future friendship is a possibility. 50/50 split all bills during dates.
Sex is a possibility, but not guaranteed

So… Of course, I did some digging. Aaron Weiss was VERY easy to find, which makes me wonder what his friends might think about his $5 Man Whore’n. Google showed me Aaron’s personal website which is, yawn… No pictures! (Much like this post) and his Twitter, Facebook, AND MySpace.

So, Aaron, let’s talk business here. I’m really glad you’ve covered all the necessary points of having a fauxlationship with me — dates, meeting the parents, holding my hand, changing your facebook status, cuddling and arguing. Shit, you seem to be so far ahead of the curve that MAYBE, just MAYBE we wouldn’t even need more than 24 hours. All we need to make sure we include in our addendum to the contract here is that you need to make sure you steal all of my good DVDs and CDs and I’ll make sure to sign you up for as many porn/mailing list/spammy email subscriptions as possible. You’ll tell your friends that I have a stanky vagina, I’ll tell all my friends that you cried during sex. Then, and only then, will we have all the fibers that, when properly woven, make a really beautiful fauxlationship.

I just… I can’t imagine what would possess a person to not only create a post like this on a website but to do it so Non-nonymously. So, *waves* Hi Aaron. Way to go! Hypothetically speaking, if your proposition gave me a girl boner at all, the fact that you have a MySpace page would have made it so fucking soft, dude. So soft.

You’re my favorite jackass trying to get a date on the internet (for this week, at least)!

You guys go post your Fiverr listings. And, dangit, somebody go buy me a custom rap song. Seriously.