Date Wrecks:

No, of course not. What you missed was the freakshow and, OF COURSE, I know that I am not the freakshow you seek.

*ahem*

Sorry the posts have dwindled (read: haven’t existed) this week. There was a death in my family and I had to take off for a whirlwind trip to NC to be with family.

Here’s what you’ve missed, direct from the Date Wrecks Submission Vault:

Our lovely anonymous submitter sends us this email thread that occurred on OkStupid — if you’re a fan of Weasel and Psychotic Letters From Men, you’ll particularly enjoy this one.

I got a message on OKCupid a few days ago from someone who tends to be a bit younger than I usually date. That was the least my usual concerns, since he was also trying to hit on this soon-to-be English teacher and hadn’t figured out how to use the shift key. But hey, why not just reply to say he’s just a little younger than what I prefer and let him be on his merry way? Apparently, that was a terrible idea:

hey im alex
Mar. 22, 2010 – 2:00am

hey im alex and yea lol im not over 30 and im definitly not a pervert im a normal otaku aka bigggg anime nerd i am the coolest guy alot of poeple say i dont think so personal i just think im me and that im a nice guy sometimes to nice but thats another story but yea hit me up i have lived in lafayette my whole life and i could show you around o and i love laughing at horror movies that are not meant to be but just are i am willing to go anywhere at least once to get a good laugh and hell if we hit it off we can do it again btw im 19 and sorry about that lol my cell is 337 [Jay said I should remove this number and I guess he's right] 7133 i cant text becouse my screen is locked up but i can talk and call so hope to hear from you soon

Notice the “nice guy” comment, because that goes south pretty quickly. He mentioned that he saw on my profile that I didn’t want people messaging me with their fetishes, but ignored when I said that I wanted someone who actually knows how to type.

Mar. 24, 2010 – 3:49pm

Sorry Alex, but you’re a bit too young for me. Best of luck though!

Which apparently led to this response:

Mar. 24, 2010 – 6:42pm

really im about to be twenty im to young for you then you have way to high of standards as concerning age i may only be 19 but i bet i a hell of a lot smarter and more mature than you. but that is already apparent i still checked out your profile and sent you a message even though your profile picture the one where you look like snow white is really gross looking you look like you rubbed oil all over your face and your a cross dressing guy i mean your 23 its not like your 30 or older we are 3 years and a few months apart are you really that stupid that maybe the guys your with arent the problem that maybe you are i mean you say that you friends say you need to be more open minded well they are right dont shrug them off because of it hell im going to be twenty in September and your 23 i have been with women alot older than you and they had more fun with me then any of the other fucks out there and that is the one thing we didnt do im still a vigin when it comes to penetration and my gratification i have never once been please in return but i have eaten and played with pussy before now i am not a “man whore” as you call them im a guy i have seen a total of three women naked in front of me ok so you know what idk why i am even wasting my time with you you fucking stuck up bitch i thought hell it would be cool to do shit with you but nope you had to be a self centered bitch you wanted a intelligent conversation here it is fucking retort to this

o and ps by the way you talk in you journal thing you sound like a fucking slut just a bit of info i thought you should know and next time you piss someone off make sure the arnt a fucking ranter and that the love to write becouse i can do this all day long plus what did you make on you act and or sat i know i beat them i got a 34 and a 1560 so suck it

Good for you if you can parse all that out. His mention of my friends saying I need to be more open-minded…I have no idea what he’s talking about. That’s not a reference to my profile or anything.

My response is as follows:

Wow. I definitely made the right choice. I decided to be nice and reply to you and try to let you down with something nice, instead of saying that you were most likely crazy. I’m apparently just picky enough if it weeds out men who think this is adult behavior.

If I’m apparently so ugly, dumb and slutty, then what are you doing messaging me in the first place? You contacted me, not the other way around. You can indeed write all day long in response to someone you barely know, if you really have that little to do. Sorry, a random man who doesn’t know me saying nasty things doesn’t ruin my day. Come on, keep ‘em coming–my delete button’s itchy.

By now, you’re salivating for this guy’s profile… Don’t be shy. I know you’re probably over there on your side of the innerwebz touchin’ your no-no zone.

It’s like poetry: are you really that stupid that maybe the guys your with arent the problem that maybe you are

Can we get a beat behind this, man? It sounds like a hit song in the making. Bob you’re heads, kids.

Here’s his profile. And a one of my favorite lines from this poetic GENIUS.

i am a young so said entrepreneur that makes impulsive decisions that alot of the time are for the worst but i dont think so until it is over with

And when I saw this one, literally, my heart SANK. IT SANK, Y’ALL:

going to college to further my dreams of developing games or more interactive technology for every day use’es i have a minor in math and a double major of computer graphic design and English.

At least he didn’t spell college as collage. Still, I don’t think that excuses the APOSTROPHE IN USES. What the fuck.

The first things people usually notice about me

my smile or they think who is that guy sitting there and then i smile or wow that guy is really cool and nice who is he and then i smile

they wonder who that guy sitting outside my window and i smile and sometimes they think why is that man touching himself in his car at the red light next to me and then i smile and sometimes girls are afraid of me but i put them at ease because the best thing you can do when a girl is scared of you is just smile

DEAR LORD. I really tried hard on that paragraph, but I didn’t spell anything incorrectly. If you know me, you know that was kind of a feat. I did have to go back through and remove all the punctuation though.

And really… If you make $100,000-$150,000 a year, don’t you think you could get that dropped ceiling in your mother’s basement repaired? I don’t think hammering two by fours up there is up to code holmes.

I also feel like I need to make mention that, horrifically, I am usually a 75+% match with the freakazoids on OkCupid. But all that has changed! Alex and I are a startling 49% match. PHEW.