Quite Possibly The GREATEST Fake Profile Ever

I get really offended when people cry “fake!” here on Date Wrecks. I mean, I don’t have a team of fact-checkers running data on the wrecks in question prior to posting. Right now, the only one that I can recollect that was totally fake and I didn’t realize it at the time was Fantasy_Carl. I SERIOUSLY thought that joker was going to knock me up with his baby, © 2012.

I look back at the one and it makes me feel all green and naive and silly. So, sure! That one was fake. Ok, ok, ok, ok!

But this one… This one I KNOW it’s fake.

The beautiful thing about this profile is that the sheer ridiculous nature of the post only makes it more hilarious. Maybe it’s a southern thing, I don’t know.

This post is best enjoyed when read aloud  with a reeeeeeal country twang, knaw wut I’mean? I’m serious about that part, kids. There’s a treat at the end of this post just for you guys.

Troydlite

31 / M / Straight / Single

Chicago, Illinois (587 Miles)

I am romantick, heartful, and racist.

My Self-Summary

i’m a canundrum as some peoples tells me. i gotta big heart that’s achin fer yer love in. i shoot stuff. i’ll shoot stuff fer you. and make you macaronee neclaces. i made won fer muh mom and she loved it. loved it. made her cry. made me cry to make her cry. i cry. so what. so what if i cry. cryins normal. we alls made of water. tears are just that. water. streamin down muh face. tiny troplets of emotion. emotion fer you? maybe. maybe. we shall see fer sure. i got friends. and they got records. but most of em have changed their ways. they dont do bad stuff no more. as much. i shouldnt say no more. my friends are muh life. i would die fer them. they’ll be yer life to. and take care of you. they mite even come on to you. but you can push them away. my dad is in prison. tried to break out muh mom. so theys both in prison. im cool with that. im not ashamed. they still good parents. just good parents from prison. nuthin wrong with that. my grandma tooks care of me. so what. shes a saint. i love her. maybe ill make her a macaronee neclace two. one fer her. one fer you. and you to can sit at the table with your macaronee neclaces on, drinkin beer and talkin bout what a good man i am.

i wont strike you.

What I’m doing with my life

L.I.V.I.N. thats wat im doin with muh life. livin it. soking up the sunshine. the rain. the tears. i cry a lot. so what. lifes too short to hold it all in. sometimes, like god crashes the waves and sinks the sun down thru them clouds, you just got to let yourself go. im studyin to be a farmacist. i dont do pills. i drink beer.

i won’t strike you.

I’m really good at

killin defenseless animals. ill hunt all dam day if i coulds. but i cant. gotta learn bout farmacy. ill take care of you. thats why im going to work as a farmacist in a grocery store. thats my gole. im good at lovin. lovin too much? maybe. maybe ill love you too much. but ill be good at it. i’m also good at love makin. im tender. and genares. i call it makin love. cause thats what were doin. were makin sumthin together. sharin a connection. becoming won. makin babies and memorys and stuff.

i won’t strike you.

The first things people usually notice about me

my hair. then my eyes. then muh hair again. then my guns. i got like a lot of guns. i shoot stuff. ill shoot stuff fer you. they also notice i repeat muhself. i suffered a brain injury wen i was six. fell out of a tree. daddy said he’d catch me. he didnt. aint never been the same cents. if you climb a tree, ill catch you.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food

i read a lot. kind of bookwerm. i love annie rice. vampires make me hard. i am a dean koontz nut. and have red stephen hawkings a breef history of time like a thousand times.

movies are fun. fun for us? we’ll see. ill take you to movies. and put muh arm round you. make you feel pretty. i wont make out with you or nuthin. just hold yer hand during the scary parts. then well talk bout what we just saw. I LOVE SAW. that movie fuked me up. woops. dont meen to cuss or nuthin. Beaches was good too. really got to me. maybe cause i got parent issues.

ill eat anythin that aint alive. thats why i kill it till its dead. i like to hunt fer my own food. ill hunt fer you.

i won’t strike you.

The six things I could never do without

1. guns
2. macaronee neclaces
3. grandma
4. moments of quiet reflection
5. scissors
6. a babys laugh

I spend a lot of time thinking about

god. and jesus. and how they’s the same but different. you know what i mean. they says god is jesus and jesus is god but i just dont understand hows that can be. i mean is jesus gods son AND god at the same time. are we all just gods son and part of god. whoa i think i just thought of something deep. reel deep. i mean sometimes people tells me that i act all jesusy cause i save some kid from drownin down at the lake. i dont see that as bein all jesusy or nuthin. just doin my part as gods creation. ya know. id do the sames fer you.

You should message me if

you want to be taken care of and loved and respeckted. and like macaronee neclaces. and huntin. and me. if you like me. cause alls anyone wants in life is to be loved. and i just want to love you. and be loved in returns.

Now… Do what I did — go make a video of yourself reading this profile in your best (worst?) accent.

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