My OkCupid inbox has been slightly dead in the last few months and it’s actually  been kind of nice. Honestly, I’ve probably gotten more mail related to Date Wrecks in my OkCupid inbox than actual dudes that want to date.
It’s been nice… I mean, my life has been fairly chaotic lately and I’m really only signing in lately to follow up on submissions.
I got assaulted last week in my inbox. Some huge influx of suitors or something. Either that… Or all of you guys are playing a HILARIOUS practical joke on me. Who knows…
This was the first of the offenders:
I would appreciate it if that you find something amusing about my profile you keep it to yourself. You wouldn’t want to get sued for defamation of character.
Awww! Defamation of Character! So cute wif your widdle face! The funny thing is, I don’t recall looking at this guy’s profile EVER. It was just outta left field — I’M'A TELL YOU HOW I FEEEEEL. Ok, homie.
The part of my profile that wrinkled up his panties? “I currently run a website that makes fun of online dating — be on your best behavior, or really, just don’t be a dickface.”
The saddest part is that this guy was totally NOT even worthy of being a Date Wreck. I tried, lawd, I tried. He’s just… boring. Just a run-of-the-mill regular Joe. He did have one disco-inferno picture that would have been wonderful, had he been standing with afro-clad, bell-bottomed friends in a bar or something, but he was just like… Standing on his front porch, in the country, rockin’ the pointed finger like John Travolta. But even then, meh.
The next one really threw me for a loop:
If you are concerned with budgeting your money, I wrote a budget in Excel that would make Dave Ramsey shit green apples (granny Smith). Oh, and don’t tell your mom that I contacted you – she might get jealous.
And I’m thinking… Really? You know my mother? (This wouldn’t be such a terribly far-fetched notion as my mother is something of a [her profession]-Guru in Atlanta.) So I replied and asked him if he really knew my mother.
Then I felt like an idiot.
Hey Einstein, that was a “your mom” joke… I figured you’d a caught that. *snicker*
Chuckles
Oh. Heh. Woops.
Then, a couple that went like this:
hi how are u
Seriously. /facepalm
And then, outta nowhere:
Gotta bad case of the farts and your name is written all over them baby.
Uhm… Would they  be pussy farts then? What the fuck?
And the classic form-letter email:
You’re Cute!
How is it going?
My name is Angel, I’m attending KSU, and work full time at Best Buy.
After reading your profile, you sound like an awesome girl. Like someone I really would like to get to know and have a conversation with.
Anyways, I really admire the fact that you are a happy person, I try to enjoy the simple things in life, and it sounds like you do as well.
It sounds like we are both looking for the same things, maybe we could talk some time or grab coffee to talk? we can see where it can go from there.
Let me know what you think
I replied with:
Be honest.
Is that a form email that you’ve sent to several girls before? The reason I ask is because I’m not sure if “happy” is a word I’d use to describe my personal ad — it’s a little… ornery.
I am *this* close to shutting down my OkCupid profile. The only reason I enjoy it is because it gives me access to the wrecks you submit… I’m considering making a totally wreck-tastic version of a profile just to experiment… Thoughts?
Also, what’s been in your inbox lately?
