I have an email account that I keep for the sole-purpose of channeling all of that spam-shit you have to get in order to take those online quizzes. Don’t judge me, I think it’s really insightful to learn what kind of male gay lover style I have.
What I don’t like is personal ads with fucking questionnaires in them! I mean, seriously… Do you think you are such a hot commodity that there are going to be SO many potential candidates that you’re going to have to taper the list by having them rattle off answers from a list of “What Matters To Me”? Fuck that noise.
It’s also kind of hilarious when these lists get out of hand… I mean, a few key questions (in paragraph form, sweet jebus) is totally within reason. But the length of your questionnaire should never require a potential partner to scroll. EVER. Nevereverevereverevernever. And also, I think it’s safe to say that you should never, ever, EVER use the question, “Are you ‘ball friendly’?”
EVER.
Also, maybe you should learn how to spell questionnaire. Shit, even I was able to spell that one correctly.
Y’all go read this shit:
Position Available:FWB – 30 (Minneapolis)
Postion Open:
FWBStart Date: Immediately
About The Employer: Tall, dark and handsome. 30 y.o.
Due to the inconsistency and frustrating nature of the Minneapolis dating scene, the position of FWB is now open. All interested female applicants are encouraged to copy and paste the questionaire below and submit their answers via email.
Compensation: Paid in orgasms and other related fulfillment. The more you work, the more you can earn!
Other Benefits: Cuddles, laughs, ice water
***************begin questionaire*************************
Age:
Ethnicity:
Location:
Height:
Weight:
Hair Color:
Eye Color:
Please list your Fuck Buddy experience(s) below:
Please describe your genital grooming habits:
What is your availability (ie.. 1x per week, 2x per week…etc):
Please answer the following questions regarding ORAL SEX:
Do you enjoy performing fellatio?
Please describe your fellatio skills, on a scale of 1 to 10:
Please complete the following % question:
When performing fellatio, I employ __% mouth , __% tongue , __% hand(s)Are you ‘ball friendly’?
Do you enjoy receiving cunnilingus?:
Do you enjoy mutual fellatio/cunnilingus, otherwise referred to as ’69′?
Please answer the following questions regarding VAGINAL SEX:
Please list the following positions in order of preference:
1) missionary
2) girl on top
3) doggie style
4) reverse cowgirl
5) spoon
(feel free to supplement this list with unlisted positions)What is your preferred method/location of receiving male ejaculate? :
Please answer the following questions regarding ANAL SEX:
Do you partake in activities in and around your anus?:
(If yes, please list these activities)What is the desired frequency of these activites (ie..twice per month…etc):
What is your preferred position when engaged in anal intercourse (if applicable):
Please answer the following with TRUE or FALSE:
1) I do not consider an 7″ cock to constitute a hostile work environment:
2) I do not bring boyfriends, stalking ex-boyfriends or other assorted dramas to my place of employment:
3) I do not have any sexually transmitted diseases: (must answer true)
4) I do not object to swallowing:
5) I understand that every effort will be made to induce orgasm(s) for my enjoyment, but do not expect a guarantee of one (or more) if I am having a stressfull day or experiencing any other complication that would inhibit said orgasm:
6) I understand that my ‘fuck buddy’ will continue to date in the traditional manner, and is free to engage is sexual activity with due notice, but most likely will not during my time of ‘employment’:
7) I understand that while words such as ‘employment’ have been used in this questionaire that there is absolutely no financial compensation for this position:
8 ) I believe that the only thing better than a tall, handsome fuck buddy is a tall, handsome fuck buddy with a sense of humor:
9) I understand that interviews for qualified candidates will begin on Friday and that if given an appointment time I may be asked to perform fellatio:
10) I understand that I may say no to the request for fellatio listed above, without damaging my prospects for this position:
11) I understand that if contacted, a picture will be required:
12) I understand that my answers will be held in the strictest confidence:
13) I understand that this ad is real, if not a bit silly and the product of work boredom:
14) Position may led to LTR which is ok with me
**********end questionaire********************************
Seriously, homeboy. This stopped being cute or silly a very, very long time ago.
I also feel really sad for him (and all of his alleged sexual partners) that he only lists five sexual positions. And even alludes to the fact that he needs help coming up with more. Honey… Sweetie… There is SO much sex out that that you need to experience. [Jami pats him on the head] Oh, and that he actually used the phrase ’69′… Who DOES that?
