HSSS: Daddy Seeks Husband (For His Daughter, Doye)

Jami: Witty shit, to lead into this mess.

PC: Exactly. Â And so on, and so forth.

Jami: Weak retort, but consider this…

PC: Well said. Â And thanks to the fans for all their kind words, regarding my return. Â Now let’s get on with it.

Jami: That’s what he said.

PC: Yeah, none of that made any sense.

Jami: What just happened here?

Is William Wilberforce out there? – 30 (Puget Sound area)

PC: Okay, first of all, let’s introduce the world to William Wilberforce. Possibly the only person in history who had a lens flare incorporated into his painted portrait.

Jami: I don’t know about you ladies, but I am dreaming of a husband that wear pantyhose EVERY DAY.

To whom it may concern,

I am the proud father of a wonderful daughter who has never found the right guy.

Jami: He’s proud of all her other accomplishments. Like… She takes really good care of all of her cats.

She does not know that I am posting this ad, but I want to do this to prove something to myself. Are there any keepers out there or are they all taken?

PC: Yep. Â That’s gonna work. Â Her sense of self worth will magnify, based on your conditional validation.

Jami: I’m sure she’ll be thrilled with you, Pops, when she finds out you’ve done this to her.

Are you the one?
There are certain requirements that you must meet or please do not waste my time as I am a busy person and do not have time to read about your wishes and desires.

PC: No pressure, just thump your bible on the front stoop until the Christ answers the door.

Jami: I would, but ever since Touchdown Jesus burned because of an ACT OF GOD, my faith has been shaken.

We raised our daughter in a Christian atmosphere since she was born and that is the foundation for our requirements. We have prayed since she was born for another family to be raising a boy to be a man of God and to be our daughter’s future mate.

PC: Again, no pressure. Â We’ve only spent three decades focusing on her, and her loins. Â It’s not like we have placed all of our hopes and dreams on this little non-devil-spawn.

Jami: *singing* Somewhere out there…

ABOUT HER: Caution: these are not biased opinions, they are facts.

PC: Dear Dad: Â Nothing biases the uninformed masses more than being told “they are facts.”

She is 31 years old, beautiful, tall, slender, proportionate, kind, smart, well read, a talker, but not too much, loves God, pure (never kissed anyone but her parents and her dogs).

PC: 31? Â Not unattractive. Â Dad calls her beautiful, tall, slender, proportionate, kind, smart, well read? Â Fine. Â Perfect. Â Talker? Â Ooh, possible dealbreaker. Â The rest of it? Â It’s a lie.

Jami: Yea, that’s why you haaaate me, right? Because I talk too much. You’re SO fronting. ThatÂ part about the allegedÂ bestiality? That’s a FACT.

She has a good sense of humor, a good job, financially sound, balanced, etc.
I could go on for quite a while, but will leave the rest to your imagination, after all, she is a catch and I am convinced of that. I am more concerned about your qualifications anyway. She does not and has never drank alcoholic beverages, smoked (anything), watched unwholesome movies, mixed with the wrong crowd, etc. The list goes on.

PC: Dude. Â Dad. Â Come on.

Jami: Bad boys, ready yourself to deflower the purest of flowers. Allegedly. If this bitch went to college, none of the last paragraph is true. But she likely was homeschooled all the way through Grad school, so… I don’t know.

ABOUT YOU:
You must exhibit most, if not all, of the characteristics above. By the way, if you find that you do not qualify part way through reading this, don’t bother finishing because I am not interested in having my daughter fix you or hope that you someday can meet these expectations. She has had plenty of those.

PC: Oh lovely. Â She’s a virgin with experience.

Jami: Oh man! This is great! Lofty expectations — there’s no WAY this is going to end in disappointment.

Age should be in the range of 28 to 38. You must be 5’ 11” or taller, fit and proportionate, healthy, cares about how they dress, smart, a mature Christian, have your act together and have a decent job and a future. Caucasian is a requirement. I am not racist, but beleive marriage is hard enough without a race component involved.

PC: I’m not racist, but I believe thatÂ race is aÂ primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race.

Jami: *cough* Whoa. Also, blonde haired and blue eyed.

If you consider William Wilberforce a type of Christian you would like to be and actually know who he is would be a plus.
Golf fanatics, sports fanatics, hunting or fishing fanatics need not apply. Notice I said fanatic. Moderation interests in those are okay.

Jami: World Cup watchers, you’ve been eliminated. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

PC: What the hell IS that sound?

You must be ministry minded. Not necessarily a pastor, although that would be a plus, but at least look at life and your current job as a ministry.

Jami: Right, because those seeking the path of ministry are often cruising Craigslist looking for ministry-minded women.

PC: Does this count?

Now, if you think you qualify go to the next step. I will do the initial screening with the following process:

1. Send me a response and a current head to toe picture along with a short testimony about your life and why you think you might qualify.
I will respond to everyone that responds to this ad, except those of you who overlooked my request for you to not respond if you do not qualify and only wish you could meet her to see if you could work something out. Those will be deleted. I don’t expect many to reply, because I am smart enough to know that there are not many like my daughter.

2. Meet me for the initial contact over coffee and interview process. Probably set up by phone first for an initial brief verbal interview.

Jami: Yea… That’s not weird at all. I thought you only took your potential father in law out for coffee when you’re asking for her hand in marriage…?

PC: Get a haircut for your date, check. Pick up flowers for your date, check. Greet your date with a firm handshake, check. Dating dads is the future of matchmaking.

3. I will provide a picture at that time if I am impressed enough to move forward. You will not be disappointed though.

PC: What if I just like the way you look, Dad. Can I assume she looks like you? If so, we can skip the whole picture thing. I trust you because I trust the Lord.

Jami: “She’s just like me, minus the beard. And the penis. But her voice sounds the same and she is predisposed to have a figure like mine as she ages.”

4. At that time I will give you her email address to make the initial contact. If, after a couple emails, she feels the same as I did, you are free to ask for her phone number and take it from there.

Jami: Dear [stereotypical Christian name], My name is Pastor PansyPants. Your dad gave me your email address when he approved of my conservative order of black coffee with extra cream. Want to get married?

Don’t expect someone desperate, because she is quite stable and is resigned to not having a mate based on what is out there to choose from.

Jami: Also, don’t expect her to come leaping into your arms as she’ll likely be very busy beating me in the face with her Precious Moments bible for opening her up to the putrid masses on Craigslist.

If you got this far, you may be a candidate. I look forward to your email.

Jami: Or you may be Jami or the Personals Critic. In that case, do not pass go, do not collect $200, proceed directly to hell. Are you still there PC?

[silence]

Jami: It looks like PC has either passed out drunk, fallen asleep in his old age, or is praying to Jesus to get his heavenly cards in order to have a shot at this girl.