It’s Friday! [awkward dancing] And I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a super fun weekend of um, cleaning and like, um… laundry. And taking the boy child to the batting cages. I don’t care what you say, this is LIVING.
I know what you will be doing this weekend though. First, you’ll get drunk with your friends on Friday night and drunk dial Date Wrecks (404-865-1557, as if you forgot. You’ve already got it programmed into your phone, right?). Then, Saturday, you’ll be calling to apologize for the vulgar things that you said you were going to do. After you’ve slept off the hangover, you’re going to have a date and, if you really loved me, you would make it an online date. You’ll call me (404-865-1557, the repetition method works!) during your date to update me on how bad it is or, if you’re a diamond in the rough, you’ll tell me how beautiful she is or how normal he’s acting. We’ll all be suspicious together.
Sunday, you’ll sit on pins and needles waiting to see if your drunk dial was good enough to win a Date Wrecks tshirt. Yes, kidlets, I will be sifting through the drunk dials that you give me over the weekend and picking out the best one. What’s the criteria? I don’t know really, I guess the drunkest? Don’t go hurting yourself or anybody else. The winner gets a return call from me on Monday night where I’ll ask you for your address and I’m going to send you a Date Wrecks tshirt. So, there! Bartenders everywhere, you can thank me later.
NOW, onto the wreck!
Suck my nipples! – m4w – 40 (Johnson City NY)
Hello will you suck my nipples? (Ladies only). I would really like my nipples suscked hard at times. Jam your finger up my ass and fuck me like the bitch I can be for you? In return I will I will fill your pussy with the thickest meat you’ve seen. OMG I’m so horny. Talk to me. and tell me where I can be your bitch for the night! I welcome women ages 25 and up, to 48 years of age. Please???????????????
He prefers old dogs that just sort of schlump in your lap. Sure, they’re not as eager, but they sometimes are missing teeth and that makes for a much more enjoyable nipple sucking experience. Of course, dogs have a hard time really creating much suction and so that’s why he’s here, looking for you.
Also, if you’re going to give me license to “fuck you like the bitch” you are, I’m going to need to use more than my fingers. See, I’m a petite person. I have tiny hands. Even if I used my middle finger, we’re only talking about like… less than 3″ in length. Tell you what, you let me borrow this cut of beef you’re talking about, you know, the thick one that you planned on stuffing inside of me? I’ll just borrow it for a quick spell and give it right back.
Let the record reflect: Forty year old men are not allowed to say OMG.
DUDE. What is up with posting a creepy intimate picture of you and YOUR DOG when you’re trying to get some pussy play? Stop it. Stop it right now.
Also, I think we should play a game where we take the titles of Craigslist posts and imagine the author of the post coming up to you in the produce section of your local grocery store, cucumber in hand and with a quizzical face, relay the title of the post to you.
You’re just standing there, squeezing tomatoes, and up walks this joker, presumably covered in white dog hair. He’s got an entire cello-bag of cucumbers in his left hand and places his right hand over his heart. “Excuse me, Miss. Suck my nipples?”
*choke*sputter*SPLAT goes the tomato* Yep.
