Jess got this very eloquent email correspondence in her OkStupid account recently and shared it with us:

hey do you wanna come over and cuddle

Yea… That’s it. That’s all he said.

Jess’s email to me said:

Of course I didn’t respond, because I don’t want to “come over and cuddle” with people I know, much less a complete stranger who thinks this is an appropriate opening line.  But, in the hopes of finding a Wreck, I clicked his profile, which is here.

I should point out that there are actually two different sections in my profile where I mention that I’m a spelling and grammar nazi, and in the “you should contact me if” section, I say that if you can’t be bothered to spell out words like “you”, you should probably look elsewhere.  There are very few whole words in this profile, more misspelled words than correctly spelled words, and not one use of punctuation or capital letters in the whole profile.  Also?  I’m 38.  He’s 25.  I didn’t mention enjoying babysitting in my profile…

Here’s the best part — in the “6 things I could never do without” he has this: “condoms because theres alotta nasty dirty people out there so u gotta stay protected intill you find out everyone you talk to is clean”  I’m just wondering, will condoms protect me from talking to dirty nasty people?  Will this keep me from getting the swine flu?

And I don’t know about you, but his frequent use of “getting tied down with” makes me wonder if he’s being all goopy and romantic and trying to sweep a girl off her feet talking about marriage, or if he’s just into kinky sex.

I know this isn’t the wreckiest wreck you’ve ever seen, but it made me cringe all the way through the whole reading of it and had to pass it on.

Thanks for having an awesome site…  I won’t strike you.

Oh Jess. OH JESS! “I won’t strike you” I should make a Facebook fan page for Troy D. Lite, shouldn’t I?

Here’s the wordsmith’s profile:

balla4life8469

25 / M / Straight / Single

Martinsburg, West Virginia

I am goofy, laid back, and funny.

My Self-Summary

im more laid back goofy i dont like drama i like to fish hang out with friends watch movies n pretty much n e thing that keeps me outta trouble i dont do the whole he said she said bs type stuff because that gets you no where so if your that type dont bother to wrtie me because im 25 im not 15 if you wanna know more just write me feel free to i dont bite

What I’m doing with my life

tryn to get it on track and tryn to find a good girl that dont lie n cheat

I’m really good at

chilling i heard by my friends im good with kids n maken them listen and pay attion to what they did wrong and fishing sumtime n chillen n being laid back

The first things people usually notice about me

im skinny i aint gonna lie and they see im funny n goofy n laid back n i dis like drama and the basics

My favorite books, movies, music, and food

i like scary n funny movies n sumtimes action when im in the mood fav foods i have to say pizza n n e thing i crave at the time n i like rap r&b rock n e thing im in the mood to listen to

The six things I could never do without

my cell phone computer condoms because theres alotta nasty dirty people out there so u gotta stay protected intill you find out everyone you talk to is clean and id have to say shoes n a shower because i stay clean n refreshed

I spend a lot of time thinking about

when im gonna meet that certain girl im gonna tie down wih and have kids with one day and spend the rest of my life with and where im gonna be at in the next 20 years and how the worlds gonna be like for my future n if i have a family how my familys gonna be like

On a typical Friday night I am

i chill with my best friend that just moved back and spend some time with him because he moved away and i really havnt got to chill with him for over 4 years

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here

idk you ask me that in a message

You should message me if

you wanna nice guy thats laid back and good with kids and if you wanna good laugh every once n awhile n if you want someone that wants to be in a relationship and wants to be tied down one day

Excuse me while I go pry my shift key off my keyboard and SHOVE IT DOWN DERRICK’S EYE BALL SOCKET. Jesus. Is it so hard?