If I could have a super power, it would be the ability to shape-shift. I would melt like the bad other-terminator into a pile of goo and reform into a wall to avoid talking to people… Or to eavesdrop. I’d probably use this super power for selfish gain like, shifting into something in order to sneak into the showers of a major league baseball team’s locker room. Heh.
Let me think on that one for a minute, guys.
Hm… Yes, that’s nice.
Oh, right. Date Wrecks.
So, I love it when somebody posts something, doesn’t get much of a reply and so they go and edit their original post in order to perhaps work a different angle. The best example of this was our old pal Magnus who, in his first posting, failed to convince us that he would make a suitable husband. So he CHANGED it into some Justin Timberlake douchebag version where really shows his ass.
The beautiful thing, when this happens, is that it’s all about the timing. The reader finds this post, hurriedly emails it to me with their commentary and by the time I get to look at the submission, it’s a totally different wreck! It’s like one of those fucking babushkas except inside the original toy is a totally different, equally awesome toy! Except, it’s not a toy. And neither version is particularly fun.
So, I get this submission from Angel and it sounds wonderful:
Quirksome fellow seeking love and companionship. Pros: honest, pleasant, compassionate, non-judgemental, confident, affectionate, considerate, moves slowly so can’t lose you, faithful, playful, good manners, intelligent enough, emotionally available, supportive, unconventional thinker and problem solver. Cons: none, unless you don’t like an ugly face, an overweight body, and advanced nerve tissue damage resulting in e.d. Seriously, if these kinds of things would automatically disqualify me as a potential life partner, please first get over yourself and then do not reply. I’m going to have a good and fun life whether I receive no replies or many, because I understand that I’m only dancing on this earth for a short while. You too. Let’s make the most of it! “QQQ” in Subject to get past spam filter!
Get over myself? Dude, you just said you’re ugly, overweight and move slowly and your dick doesn’t work. Exactly what are we supposed to do together? I suppose we could take breaks from eating fried chicken together to like… dance. Or something.
But then I click on the link that Angel sent me. And it took me to an entirely different post!
YES!
So the guy who expressed that he’s going to have his fried chicken and a lovely life if he doesn’t receive any replies doesn’t CARE if you don’t email him, right? Wrong.
He cares enough that he changed his profile ENTIRELY.
AND… We get a gander at the whole hairy, giant, broken-dicked dude himself.
Door’s Open, Come On In – 48 (Speedway/Richey)
Sittin at home, door’s open, jerkin to porn, I’d love to have a buddy walk by and see me and join in. Drop me a note.
The picture, here, is amazing. It’s got a penis in it, so if you’re peen-shy, you should wait until your office is empty or maybe until you’re at home so that you can properly cover your mouth when you gasp and then break into a fit of giggles.
Ahhh… Shape-shifting. That would totally be my super power.
