David, a long time Date Wrecks fan and facebook friend sent me this book last week and I procrastinated at work while reading the entire thing stealth-style at my desk at work that day.
Undateable: 311 Things That Guys Do That Guarantee They Won’t Be Dating or Having Sex is one of those books you want to keep in your living room so that, when your date comes to pick you up and you’ve got just a few more things to do to get ready, he thumb through it and panic.
The gist is that two Chicago ladies (Anne Coyle and interior designer and Ellen Rakieten, television producer) put their heads together to outline 311 things than men do that “guarantee they won’t be dating or having sex.”
Of course, this is RIGHT up my alley. If you’re a facebook fan, you’re familiar with my occasional “dealbreaker” posts there where I outline what a dude did and why it makes my vagina clank.
There were moments when I was reading this book, which is laid out more like Seventeen magazine than a book, that I had to facepalm myself. I mean, it’s one thing if you can pick out something really obvious in an ex that made their list like, #72. Â Suspenders With A Belt. But when you’re thumbing through the pages and you are thinking of one exboyfriend in particular and you’re like, “Yep… Oh! God, yes. That, too… Damn.”
Things in Undateable that totally describe my exboyfriend:
- #2. Bad Facial Hair
- #3. Soul Patch
- #18. Novelty Belt Buckles
- #33. Longish Fingernails
- #51. Girlie Sunglasses
- #53. Speedos
- #58. Multiple Tattoos
- #59. Cutoffs
- #67. Sunglasses Indoors or at Night
- #78. Stupid Tshirts
- #83. Mohawk
- #87. Leather Pants
- #88. Fur Coat
- #103. Chain Wallet
And that’s just the FIRST section, What Not To Wear. I mean, c’mon! What was I thinking!? Where was this book five years ago before I met the douche?? Well, it hadn’t been written. That’s my only excuse for such behavior.
The second section of the book outlines What Not To Say, with such gems as #113. Base Names For Breasts such as “Chesticles, Gazongas, and Abbot and Costello.” Ha! Who DOES that?
Now, granted… in the second part, I realized that half of my lexicon of Jami-phrases are like… in this book. So, I’m seriously reevaluating my use of #144. Foreign Phrases like “Merci buckets.”
Actually, no… I’m really not. That’s clever as fuck, just like this book.
In the third section, these ladies outline What Not To Do, like the highly controversial #183. Own A Cat or # 189. Play Dungeons & Dragons. Not to be taken as the Word of the Dating Gods, but to be read with your tongue shoved into your cheek and in a room where you will not raise eyebrows when you throw your head back and guffaw. And all you Dungeons & Dragon playing cat owners, don’t take it so seriously!
I think we can all agree that #198. Moobs is certainly not something we’re looking for in a potential partner, right?
You can pick up this book on Amazon (and send a lovely kick-back my way), by clicking the above picture, the link above or this pretty little link here.
Oh, and if you needed any further evidence, I present to you my closing statement:
