I… I’m shocked. Seriously, stunned.
There is such a thing as winning on Craigslist.
5 Things For You To Think About – 21 (Toronto)
5 Insanely Simple Reasons Why You Should Date Me
In today’s modern 21st century society, it’s not new to be floating around the internet looking for relationships and other interactions, even if you are that hot red-headed cashier from the local convenient store. Fortunately, online dating is slowly becoming more and more accepted by the general population. Unfortunately, this leads to some of the most disastrously batshit insane profiles and personal ads full of twisted carnival of eye-gouging horror that make you wonder what the hell you are doing surfing the web for love in the first place. Fear not, however, all is not lost. I am here to provide you lovely ladies with the top 5 insanely simple reasons why you should date me.
#5) I’m A Gentleman:
Yes, ladies, that’s right. Let’s toss the concept of modesty out the window for a brief moment here. I do consider myself to be a chivalrous, caring gentleman. Not just the type that’ll give you my jacket when it’s cold or hold the door open for you. That’s easy. But the type that will text you good-night after walking you home after a nice, romantic date, and look you in the eye and tell you how beautiful you look, and mean it. I’ll be the one who spoon-feeds you the hot soup when you’re sick lying in bed, and remain on your side when nobody else is. I’m a great listener; I hold my politeness and speak gently. That last bit is especially important, considering all the close-talkers out there who lack salivary glandular control and those fat spit-droplets that hit you like a personal insult. Wow.
But this should be a given, right?? Note the keyword ‘Should’. Sadly, its not. Look out your window and you’ll find that some guy just spat a dark-green blob of putrid, stomach-churning what-the-fuck-is-that on the sidewalk. IS THAT THING ALIVE? It almost seems toxic and you wanna stay away from it. Good. You better stay away, that stuff can kill you. Did you just puke in your mouth a little? Just try to keep your eye away from that creep and his bodily fluids.
And speaking of creeps…
#4) I’m Not A Creep:
You’ve all seen those. You know. THOSE. Rich 45 year old, looking for a hot girl in her early 20’s to sail in my boat for the summer. Um. Excuse me? I think what he meant to say was : Rich 45 year old looking for a hot girl in her early 20’s to rape in my deck for the summer. It’s a nice change of pace for me considering my current nightly habits of masturbating to Asian pokemon-porn crying myself to sleep while singing the intro to Cheers. Compensation is negotiable. And let’s not forget the side-splittingly arrogant classic: Young guy here, looking for a friend with benefits. Girls. Please. You can do better than this. If you’ve replied to one of those before, don’t message me. I have standards. I’m not a creep.
But this should be a given, right?? Again, make note of the keyword ‘Should’. But its not. Why? Have these men become so alarmingly desperate and lonely that they’ve succumbed to even considering just flatly demanding oral services from strangers on the net and expecting to get it from hot young women? Have they lost their goddamn minds??? Well, yes. So while the rest of us normal young men have not, please come and take us, we’re a dying breed. Let’s keep our lineage moving and continue this positive evolutionary process. To think of it, it’s your civic responsibility, really.
#3) I Have Goals, Morals and Priorities:
I’m educated, have an exciting career in the works, a side-career that supports me financially, and I absolutely love what I do. I come from a good family whom I love and who have raised me well enough to be able to use critical thinking to help myself succeed. I know what I want in life, I’m going full-force at it and having a hell of a time doing it. There. I’ve just knocked out 95% of the competition with that alone. Amazing.
But this should be a given, right?? Need I say it again? Unfortunately, studies have shown that our society has reached a point where mastering World of Warcraft has become the 3rd highest rated priority among average young-adults. Upon asking one of these young leaders what his thoughts were on this result, he replied with “Because, for real, that shit is straight up like, eight different kinds of crazy. Shit.” Walk down the aisle with this winner, would ya?
#2) I’m Loyal.
Now, this is a disastrously tough one. I wish a few words of mine could prove my loyalty to you. But since that time you discovered your stud from high-school slept with 18 other women (and/or men) while you lay sleepless in your bed all night having lovely thoughts about him, its kind of scarred you up a little bit. And that’s okay. It just means that we’re in this together; I know how it feels. But remember, there are other people that have had it much worse. Much, much worse. Have you heard of a girl receiving this pants-shittingly disturbing text message from a friend of hers? “Omg, I just found out, that my boyfriend has been cheating on me, with the SAME guy that I’ve been cheating on him with! FML!!” Yeah. Go figure that one out for yourself.
But this should be a given, right?? Yup. Should be, considering all that effort you made to satisfy his ego just because he’s your man, without him realizing the amount of energy THAT takes to accomplish; and all the little things you did behind his back to benefit him without feeling the need for him to know that secretly, you have a hand in the success he has achieved; all of this effort gone in vain. Alas, the pain. But my darlings, let me tell you something very, very crucial. I know you all so, so well. I know how you do those cute little things for him; and say those things you may not even believe in, just to satisfy his male ego. I know how much you hate just saying you’re wrong when you know you’re right; but you do so anyway just to make your man happy. He never knew how much you sacrificed for him, but I did, and let me be the first to tell you. I appreciate it, and I appreciate you; and with that, let me prove my loyalty to you.
You’ll never see it if you never even try.
#1) I’m Not Trying to Get into Your Pants.
Shocker!! You had this suspicion in the back of your mind this whole time, didn’t you? I know you did; and I don’t even blame you. Women have long discovered that a lot of these things that us men do or say are nothing but expertly layered masterpieces of subtle, jackfuck lunacy, with the intention of ‘Bagging dat hoe’. Let me respectfully be one to say, that is not my intention. And to prove this, I will offer you a guarantee. Say you were to date me, and you’re wondering if I’m going to try and pull a fast one to get you under my sheets right on the first date. Well worry not, for I’ll openly make a promise to you in writing right now: We don’t even have to have sex, until at LEAST the 10th date. (Unless mutually desired, of course). You won’t find a better deal than that.
But this should be a given, right?? Nope. Men are simple-minded. We like sex. Period. You know it, we know it. We know women love sex just as much; they’re just more relaxed about it. With that being said, I’d like to leave you with one last thing to keep in mind. I’m posting this here, not for sex; not for play dates; not for intimate encounters of the discreet kind. I’m posting here, for you. Its you I want. To date. To get into a relationship with. To be silly with, laugh and cry with, have fun with. To spend time with, to lay on the soft, green grass and gaze upon the stars with.
My intention is not to get into your pants; it is to get into your heart. I mean it.
Yours Truly,
+S.R.A+
Seriously!? Did this just happen? I mean, there’s a few spelling/grammatical errors and no picture of him… But come ON!
This fucking thing does not belong on CRAIGSLIST! Among the creeps that photograph their dicks…. Among on the old men with not enough clothes… Among the married men seeking their secondary soulmates…
I’m shocked. I also emailed him to congratulate him on not being a douchenozzle.
