Or… Maybe his. I don’t know.
The most intensely erotic experience of your life
A candlelit room. Jazz playing lightly in the background. A soft bed.
You strip down and lay on your stomach on the bed. I apply some massage oil to your back and, beginning at your neck, work my muscular hands over your naked form. Slowly and firmly I remove all the tension from your entire body – head to toe – except for that new tension that forms in one little hidden spot.
Beside the bed, a towel soaks in a bowl of hot water. I gently drape the towel over your pubic region, opening the follicles and getting you ready for a clean, close shave. I apply some shaving cream – sensitive formula for such sensitive parts – and make sure that it is lathered over everything to be bared. A clean razor with a fresh cartridge begins to clear a path through the shaving cream and the hair it is coating. How much comes off depends on you and your desires – perhaps we go fully bare, or maybe a landing strip, or maybe even something creative.
Finally a clean, wet towel removes any excess cream and hair. Lotion is applied to the newly bared skin to make sure it stays smooth and moisturized. And then, hopefully, you will allow me to taste the fruits of my labors and to release that tension I built up in you during the massage and shave. Hurry…. my razor is waiting.
If this is something you’d like to try, please show me that you are a real person by putting the day of the week in the subject of your response
Cue infomercial voice: So for the best bikini shave you’ve ever had in your life, be sure to come on down to The Craigslist Crazy’s Cunt Confectionery where all your intimate shaving dreams can come true!
Seriously dude, you had your foot in the door with the massage because you spelled it correctly.
But come on. A) I’m not sure I’d EVER trust a boyfriend to shave my girly bits with a razor,  much less some DUDE I met off the internet — are you kidding me? B) You said “landing strip” and I’m going to rule you out just because you used that term. Your dick is not an aircraft. My vagina does not have  a landing strip. That’s the stupidest name for a style of cutting pubes ever.
Also… Lotion? So you’re telling me that if I just put lotion on after I shave my cunt, it will STAY smooth and moisturized? Oh, okay. I promise I won’t call you in two days when it starts itching like fucking chicken pox as it starts to grow back in. And how about we reconvene on day, say… six or seven… When I’ve got a nice little Miami Vice beard on my girly bits and let’s see how eager you are to go to town on that!
And you think that laying on my back, a stranger’s razor-wielding hand touching my fucking bits is going to be erotic for me? I bet it’ll feel real erotic when you nick me. That’s so hot. And it’s not really as simple as shaving a man’s face, man… We’ve got… well shit, let’s keep it real. Ladies have fucking lips. If you want those lips to be hairless, you’ve got to really um… go at things… from different angles. And… stuff. I promise, a job well done in this department is not at all erotic so much as hilarious to watch — bitches contorting themselves and cursing under their breath with a mirror in the crotch.
I suppose fetishes are fetishes, right? But seriously… Fellas… This isn’t your introductory move.
