And that’s how I found this post. Sara Monson is a reality show casting director and used to troll bars to pick up drunk and egotistical jackasses for Blind Date.

I shit you not. This is a real job. And I want it. She’s funny and if you watch The Bachelorette, she writes a lot of stuff about that show and other reality shows on her blog, Reality Show Chick.

The “Date Report” that I’m sharing with you today is something she posted on Your Tango and, I kid you not, I was left in tears. The woman made me cry — I was laughing THAT hard. Embarrassing dating stories are my cryptonite.

Dating Disaster: A Guy, A Girl, Her Gas

I met Philip while out recruiting contestants for Blind Date. Once he told me he went to Vassar, I knew he’d never do the show. Instead, I kept him for myself. I looked extra cute and Philip seemed really into me. It was perfect.

Well, almost.

I really needed to fart. This is not unusual for me. I usually need to fart. Everything makes my butt erupt. I can usually tell what will set me off. Coffee, dairy, yoga. And I can usually gauge the stink and audible level based on what I’ve eaten. But this fart was different. This fart was sneaky. 7 Things You Must Do Before A First Date

That morning, I had accidentally eaten some bad pineapple. Having never dealt with bad fruit toots, I didn’t know what to expect from my Hawaiian friend. Looking at me you’d have never guessed the turmoil I was experiencing.

“Want to get out of here?” he whispered in my ear.

His apartment was just a few short blocks from the bar. A gorgeous Weimaraner greeted us as we entered his apartment.

“This is Bella,” he said.

I love dogs, I really do. They are furry slices of heaven. But the way Bella mouth raped Philip when he bent down to pet her told me that she was definitely the woman of the house. In her eyes, I was just another two bit whore. She dutifully sniffed my crotch, and passing her test—for now—nestled into her dog bed on the floor. Pet Jealousy And How To Deal With It

I excused myself to his bathroom while he fixed us drinks. The greatest thing about California bathrooms is that most of them have fans. While most likely installed to ventilate air, I like to think they were specifically put in to cover up the sound of me farting.

I searched for the switch and, horror of horrors, no vent. I could have run the water, but that was too obvious. Instead, I quickly snooped in his cabinet for any medications that might give me pause to share fluids with this man, and, seeing nothing alarming, went back out to Philip, now splayed on his bed. 5 Surefire Ways To Say No To Sex

“Care for a massage?” he asked.

What a gentleman, I noted, as I lay face down on his bed. He straddled me and slowly started caressing my shoulders. He rubbed, tickled, nibbled, and did all those wonderfully erotic things that would make my knees quiver if I didn’t have to fart so badly. I was clenching so tight I could feel my butt crack sweating.

Normally, I’d just suck it back up, but his body weight pressing down on my lower back made that impossible. Who was I kidding? I couldn’t have sex in my condition. He was going to find out sooner rather than later. He seemed like a keeper, too. Poor guy. Think Your Way To Better Sex

“Lemme get some lotion.”

He rolled off me and disappeared into the bathroom. I saw my window to slowly squeak out my festering toot, but not knowing whether or not this rogue fart would stink, I wasn’t taking any chances. I glanced at Bella, happily lazing in her bed. I wondered if she could feel my pain.

Philip came back and assumed his position, only this time he scooted a little lower down. He massaged my lower back and starting rimming my ruffled skirt with his thumbs. Layer by layer, he lifted my skirt, revealing my adorable boy short panties I had recently purchased from Target. How To Tackle Money Matters In Relationships

“La Perla. I like.”

“Thank you.” I’d heard the name La Perla on Sex and The City and I knew they were like, two hundred dollar drawers. Mine cost $7.99. This guy was quickly becoming out of my league. I had better stay charming.

He worked his hands under my skirt and started kneading my butt through my imposter panties. It felt fantastic. My butt is my favorite spot to be massaged. It’s where I carry all my tension. I especially love a good elbow rammed in to the cheeks. Tips To Get Men More Into Foreplay

I let out a little moan.

“Oh, you like that, do you?” Philip asked, leaning in a little closer.

“Yeah, that feels good.” I buried my head in the pillow and let out a muffled sigh.

“Maybe you’ll like this then,” he whispered into my crack, and, before I knew it, plunged down full-force upon my tushie with knuckled fists.

And though I tried with all my might to stop it, I farted right in his mouth.

A big, thundering, horsey-sounding toot right down his esophagus.

From his perspective I bet my ruffled skirt billowed in the wind. I jumped up so fast I bucked him to the floor.

“I am so sorry!” I shrieked.

Stunned from the fall, he didn’t speak right away. I hoped he’d gotten brain damage so he wouldn’t remember what just happened. He looked slowly around the room, etching what just occurred firmly into his mind and said slowly, “That’s OK, my dog does that all the time.”

My eyes locked with Bella’s piercing blue eyes. She just stared at me in disgust. I knew he was lying. No dog with such a glossy coat and regal posture would fart as I had just farted.

“I ate some bad pineapple. I was really backed up. I hope it didn’t smell too bad. Usually ice cream is what really gets me,” I blathered on and on.

At least one orifice was no longer constipated.

He humored me for about five more minutes and then said he had an early day. Yeah, I bet, an early, gloriously fart-free day. He walked me to the door, gave me a tepid one-armed hug and quickly shut the door.

Finding respite in my car, I hit the gas pedal and with it came a booming fart. I looked down at my overactive bathing suit area. C**k blocked yet again by my own digestive wasteland. What To Eat After A Bad Date

“Ya done?”

Philip was. He never called me again. I ran into him at a bar a few weeks later but he avoided me. And it looked like he was clearly standing downwind. Wise move. To this day I wonder how he tells the story.

I bet he doesn’t blame it on the dog.

Don’t feel too bad, kids. At least this didn’t happen to you.

Jami: Weeee’re back! I don’t know what happened to James — he won the last installment of He Said — She Said — You Said. Maybe he’ll reappear in the comments section. Maybe the pressure of writing with me was too much.

PC: It is a bit overwhelming.  I’ve passed out a couple of times from the excitement.

Jami: You need to loosen the pantyhose around your neck, love. I’m so very happy to be writing with you again, PC. When you’re not near me, the snark-light in my heart grows dim.

PC: I’m going to Home Depot to see if they have rechargeable Snark Lights.  When he asks what you recharge them with, I’ll answer “With broken dreams.”

Jami: Here’s the Wreck In Question, someone who professes to be (*singing*) your [pause] ah’teddy bear. Can we start with this picture?

Jami: Alright, I’m going to try to chew at this one Lurid Digs-style (that link is NOT safe for work). On Lurid Digs, the fabulous panel of writers comments on the home furnishings and decorations of the creepy dudes posting online for gay sex. They’re not supposed to make any mention of the actual person, just talk about alllll of the stuff in the background.

PC: Something tells me we’re up to the task.

Jami: [cracks knuckles] Parents, if you ever wonder why it’s important to raise social children, let the hodge-podge nerd-decor of this man’s apartment speak to you. Really open up your hearts. Not only is a forty-four year old man still hanging posters on the wall but he’s hanging posters about Zombie survival. No doubt, he picked this poster up for $3.99 at his local Hot Topic and probably made everyone in the shop uncomfortable, especially when he tried to cover it up, “It’s for my nephew.”

PC: Don’t underestimate the importance of zombie preparedness Jami.  Also, get Zombieland, available to own on DVD and Blu-Ray.

Jami: At first glance, the items tacked up haphazardly on either side of the entry way appear to be bags of beef jerky. Unfortunately, the rest of the decor would suggest that beef jerky bags would be a perfectly reasonable thing for a man of this high-style to hammer into the wall. But no, if you look closely, you’ll see that they’re action figures, AKA dolls.

PC: This man is clearly a connoisseur of the action figure.  By leaving it on the wall, he’ll be less tempted to whip it out and play with it.  If he plays with his action figure, no one else will want it.

Jami: Throw up some Christmas lights and some utility shelving piled with shit, and this place just screams “porn den.” It’s not in frame, but I’d wager to bet that his computer chair has a towel over the seat, long stained and spotted with dribbles of jizzle.

PC: I see wet wipes perched precariously on that top shelf.  Never opened.

Jami: And don’t fret about him jizzing on the floor – it’s just poured concrete, the better to hose-down and clean.

lvteddybear

44 / M / Bisexual / Single

Las Vegas, Nevada

My Self-Summary

To start with all that I’m looking for is someone to be a friend with, learn and share the things about ourselves and grow into a relationship. I have to be honest and say that I am not the best looking man around,

Jami: You don’t say?

but i do have a wonderful personality (somedays too many of them LOL) and a twisted sense of humor.

Jami: Uhh… Willful admission of sanity issues, check.

PC: I’ve dated a lot of crazy chicks in my day Jami.  They all had one thing in common, they stared at me just the same way this guy’s pic is staring at me.  Two things in common actually, they all hated to share their Lithium.

Jami: You can get away with being a crazy person if you’re above an 8 on the Hotness Scale. Our Las Vegas Teddy Bear here is decidedly NOT.

I’m sarcastic, caring, and smarter then the average bear.

Jami: Hey PC, what’s the worse than getting the women in the panties you want to penetrate thinking about Yogi Bear?

PC: Asking them to shave your back, and having them agree.

Jami: You’re sick, man.

I am usually shy at first, alot of people think its just me being snobby or stand-offish but in actuallity its just my insecurity keeping me from being myself around new people. Thats one of those things i’m working on fixing about myself.

Jami: I need to make sure I have people pay close attention to this next paragraph. I have to say, I agree with the CONCEPT but we’ve got to work on the delivery.

Something that I have noticed about the people on this site is that you all are so willing to off-handedly decide whether a person is someone you want to have a “long-term relatioship” with after reading a profile or from a first messge. Pull your heads out of your asses and get real.

Jami: Ah, ain’t nothing like that first impression.

PC: Guess he’s getting over that insecurity.  ”You all suck, now somebody love me!”

People are more complex and layered than can be captured on a profile or in a SINGLE message. I am a great person to know, as I’m sure many of you are, but so many of us (and yes I do it too) are way to quick to judge if another is THE one we want to send the rest of our lives with. I’m working on getting over that flaw in my personality, are you?

PC: Here, I’ll translate.  ”At first glance, I may appear to suck, and after contacting me, you may think that you have confirmed that I suck, but that is really just you being shallow, and if you get to know me, you’ll find out that I suck far less than you think.”  See Jami, I always go the other way, I give a really great first impression, then let people find out slowly, over time, exactly what caliber of douchebag I really am.  You know, bait and switch.

Jami: Are you ready to throw your conscience to the wind and go against your gut and date him? Not yet? Well hold on to your girdles girls, this next sentence covers all the bases.

Under the interests category you’ll find my kid, World of Warcraft, Sci-fi, fantasy RPGs, kinky sex, writing, drawing, television, music and history.

Jami: Alright, firstaball, my spidey-sense is telling me that he c&p this from POF or another dating site because there’s not an area on OkCupid where you tag items in the “interests category.” But throwing that all to the side, doesn’t this sound fun? Hanging out with his kid in his porn-den, playing WoW and talking about writing and music and history and all the kinky ways he’d like to fuck you? Ah, family time.

PC: Come on Jami, the next generation of serial killers aren’t just going to raise themselves, they need guidance.

Of course I have many more interests, passions, knowledges, likes and dislikes, but those are the kind of things that I want to share with someone over time as we get to know each other. Recently i have embraced Wicca, after 30-some od years as a catholic, making me a recovering catholic, so thats where i am with that part of my life. In case you havent noticed yet, i am a bad speller and have to say that the man who invented ‘spell check’ should be made a saint.

Jami: You think the Microsoft Paperclip guy is the patron saint of spell check? That’s how I picture him.

PC: Knowledges.  He has many knowledges.  Yes, technically, it is a word, but come on guy.  Really?

I am loving, sarcastic, and insecure

Jami: Good sell.

PC: That’s twice he’s called himself insecure.  I think he’s flaunting it, getting kind of pompous about his insecurity.

What I’m doing with my life

I am disabled so i don’t work anymore. I try to keep active and on my good days i succeed. I plan on going back to school to further my education. I am working on being the person i’ve always wanted to be and so far its coming along nicely; i am almost the person i always wanted to be. One thing i’m not sure about is the fact that i can be VERY opinionated. If i feel comfortable with you i will voice my opinion whether you ask for it or not. I’m not sure if thats a good thing or not yet.

Jami: At 44 years old, he’s not sure if it’s good to be opinionated? PC, you’re old. What’re your thoughts?

PC: Well, my first thought right there was “Fuck you Jami”, but I’m trying to move past it.

Jami: At least you seem sure.

I’m really good at

Making people laugh, caring for those around me, being creative, and being a dreamer.

And voicing my thoughts, always very very very very very good at that.

Jami: Right, we already covered that you’re an over-bearing, horse-beating MY WAY kind of guy. Got it.

PC: What, you don’t want to hear his opinions about World of Warcraft, or Atari, or whatever the hell you kids are into these days?

The first things people usually notice about me

That I’m tall and big and kinda loud. Inspite of the intimidation factor I have going on, I am really a nice guy.

Jami: Raise your hand if a grown man with posters and dolls tacked up on his porn-den wall is intimidating to you. Anyone…?

PC: Wait, he’s loud, and intimidating, and shy, and insecure, and opinionated?  Oh yeah, and he’s a writer, and he has many knowledges.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food

Books: To Kill a Mockingbird, any Art book, and Dean Koontz.

Jami: OOH! Another Dean Koontz nut!

Movies: Casablanca, History of the World Pt1, and most Star Trek movies. Basically anything by Mel Brooks, or any movie with a decent amount of CGI in it. I do cry at sappy movies: Penny Serenade, Casablanca, and Dr. Zhivago all bring me to tears.

PC: You read right there kids.  Casablanca, Dr. Zhivago, and most Star Trek movies.  Eat your heart out. Leonard Maltin.

Music: anything but Rap and older Counrty.
Food: French toast, BBQ hamburgers and chicken fingers.

The six things I could never do without

1. My kid
2. My computer
3. Sex
4. Someone to talk to
5. Books
6. Music

Jami: 7. My Zombie Survival Kit including “ironic” tshirt. 8. My blue Christmas lights.

PC: 9.  My many knowledges.  10.  Spell check.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

The future.

On a typical Friday night I am

Usually at home with my family.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

The most private thing Im willing to admit is thatwhile I am serious about finding a partner for life, Im not gonna jump into anything with just anyone. I have standards and deserve to find Ms. Right, not Ms Right-Now.

Jami: It really gets on my nerves when people abuse the “most private” section. This isn’t where you pontificate. This is where you confess that you love popping zits (me!) or listen to Ke$ha in the car (also me!) This is not where you start to show us your baggage, homie.

PC: Jami, are you twelve?

Jami: I know, right? See!? The most private thing you admit is supposed to cause a response like that.

I’m looking for

Girls who like guys
Ages 35-45

Jami: Of course you’re looking for someone as much as nine years younger than you but only one year older than you. OF COURSE.

PC: (Not throwing stones, for fear of shattering all these pretty windows in my glass house.)

Near me
Who are single
For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, long-distance penpals, casual sex

Jami: So, “Looking for… whatever I can get.” Got it.

You should message me if

Don’t bother, you are probably just another shallow, emotionless fool.

Jami: Aaaand there it is. Don’t pretend to be a nice guy if you’re going to end your profile by telling people not to email you and calling them vapid idiots.

PC: What did this post have to do with Elvis?

Jami: He’s (*singing*) your [pause] ah’teddy bear. C’mon you’re old. Didn’t you see Elvis live once?

If you are actually a REAL person who is ready to commit to the expierence of looking for a friend or lover then please drop me a line. I will respond and it will be more than an off-handed dismissle. I will honestly try to get to know you, but you have to be honest about yourself.

Jami: The dismissle — a weapon of mass destruction. Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew-BOOM.

who wants it – m4w – 33 (se)

who wants it i can host

THE PICTURE

Now, you should know ahead of time, all of you scaredy cats that aren’t going to click on the link, if you make mention of it in the comments, I will THUMB YOU DOWN!

DO it! It’s hilarious. How often do you get to see a half-inflated, rightward leaning boneless… loin?

Seriously, there is NOTHING attractive about this dick picture. Can you imagine the ones that he took before he captured this one?

“No, not that one… He almost looks erect here. *click* No, can’t use that one. You can’t see my white cotton socks in it. *click*”

Also, pink bedspread!?

Five demerits issued here, man: one for the pink bedspread, one for keeping your socks on, and three for the most pathetic looking boner I’ve seen. And I’ve seen more than a lifetime’s worth on this blog.

Cock pics are Whack!

Seriously, no women ever had a fling from a cock pic. In my experience cocks are best served in the dark, slowly, and with some decent wine and conversation. At least my cock is better after some conversation and some wine, but cock pics are gross. Don’t get me wrong, I have taken them and it’s nice to get a look at it once in a while, but women don’t go in for that too often, size queens not withstanding. Bathroom shirtless pictures are far more tasteful….ah men are idiots.

I prefer a more subtle route.

Yes, you’re right on both accounts. Cock pics are indeed WHACK and you are a perfect example of an idiot.

Yes, cock pics are the most offensive, most inappropriate pictures ever but really? You follow it up with a series of topless bathroom pictures? This is your best shot?

You’re an attractive enough guy… You seem like you can put together a pretty decent sentence, though you need work on the singular/plural word thing… Why, man?

Is brown hair played out?

I have brown hair, but I feel lost in the crowd. Maybe I should dye it bright red or blonde. I think not. Who out there likes massages, wine, music, nude tickle fights, pillows, beach sex and bare foot romping? Because I hate all that stuff. (Not really)

Bare foot romping? Aren’t you worried about Hep, man? I mean, you live in Chicago, not in the country. And even then, aren’t you afraid of smooshing your toesies in animal shit?

I’ll tell you what IS played out — posting on Craigslist more than one time in your life… Much less THREE nights in a week. DUDE, go to a bar. Pick up chicks in the produce department.

I do really like pillows though. He’s got me there.

I wish the posting hadn’t expired. I would email him and tell him to get highlights RIGHT THE FUCK NOW… Just to be mean.

Editor’s Note: If you are a man and you have highlights, you need to shave your head STAT. It’s never too late to right this wrong.

So cock pics are lame, am I right?

I asked the same question yesterday and got a pretty convincing argument against showing your penis to strangers online. I mean all guys have them, some are bigger than others, but do women like to look at them? I am thinking it’s not a turn on. I’m not a huge fan of vagina shots, namely because it looks scientific and not completely sexy. Are dicks the same? I find cock shots funny, but I am a heterosexual dude. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have taken one in my day, but I think most women don’t give a crap.

All this talk about dicks makes me think you’re gay.

And seriously? Is he naked in that second one and wearing a fucking skull cap? IN THE BATHROOM!?