If you’re in the Atlanta area and you are NOT going to Dragon*Con, you should totally come see me perform! Winner takes some of the door money and gives it to their favorite charity. Oh, and beeteedubs, the winner is chosen by audience applause. I’m throwing my dolla dolla bills, when I win, at the Susan G. Komen 3-Day in Atlanta, specifically, my mother’s team.

Anyway, contrary to how this is starting out, I wasn’t really intending on pimping my own shit. I mean, I have every right to, but really, I wanted to show you this:

SERIOUSLY. What the fuck are you thinking, bitch!?

WE CAN SEE YOUR TOILET!!!!

At least we don’t see anything IN the toilet. And what is she covering up with her left hand there? Her Dignity Switch?

So you saw my profile and thought you might be interested in talking to me? Okay, that’s fine. And then you realized I was online right now? REFRAIN you dullard! If you can’t take the time to craft an email to me, I’m not going to be interested in you. What if I’ve got OkCupid open in my browser tabs but I’m at work? What if I’m actually taking the time to reply to some decent human being’s email? You’re INTERRUPTING!

Seriously, the WORST thing. Hey, OkCupid! How about we get an option to make it the default to NOT be logged into the stupid god damn instant message feature? Hmm?

Stephanie sends in this submission, perfectly proving my point. She’s also a very delicate flower… just like me — very thoughtful and kind with her words. Heh.

italstal43: here’s an opener…i am so very curious about “awesome sauce”

italstal43: in the event u are still awake, i am checking u out now…see what u think of my profile too & maybe we can chat…yes, there is some distance, but u just never know, right?

italstal43: oh, and see if u can guess which is my FAVORITE pic u have!

italstal43: bet it isn’t what u think…hehe

Oh! That sounds like a FUN game! Let’s see which of Stephanie’s picture he’s fapping himself to in the middle of the night. Fucking douche.

Stephanie’s reply:

People who can’t spell out the word you, talk in text speak and use all caps shouldn’t be making profiles on dating sites.

Thanks for playing.

And then Stephanie said to me, “I was feeling especially cunty that day.”

Swoon! Cuntankerous! Beautiful.

So of course, rather than SENDING HER AN EMAIL AND TRYING TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT — this doucheknuckle sends her another instant message and further digs his own grave.

(4:22:03 am)italstal43:ahhh…look who it is…the only woman to ever take issue with my profile being improper english due to not spelling words out…so now I am about to go over yours with a fine-tooth comb and oh look out if I find ONE single error! LOL

(4:22:52 am)italstal43 h yeah…I’m about to bring it miss English perfectionist…hope you are ready!

Thanks for the time-stamps on this one, Stephanie. BTW, Stephanie works third shift at a television network so that her excuse for being up so late… What’s his? GO TO BED MAN!

And did he find anything? One can only assume that no, he didn’t. He didn’t contact Stephanie again. Yet.

So, shall we take a gander at this fucknut?

italstal43

43 / M / Straight / Single
Greenville, South Carolina

My Self-Summary

I would describe myself as a VERY passionate, italian guy with a GREAT sense of humor, a love for travel, excellent communicator, intelligent, and extremely romantic & affectionate, especially with that special woman who makes my heart skip a beat & causes me to get short of breath & lose my train of thought.

Being from NY originally (Hey, forgeddaboutit! LOL—true yankees will understand that one!), I am upfront & not shy at all. You would never have to guess what I truly want.

I am also VERY confident in my abilities!

And last…my favorite teams are Mets, Steelers, Lakers…(I’m a DIEHARD fan too!)

What I’m doing with my life

I’m currently enrolled in school for a new career in healthcare. I am attending a private college full-time to obtain certification in medical billing & coding. I’ve had to put my program on hold while I attend to some health issues (nothing major though) and should be resuming in October with a plan to graduate in December of this year.

I’m really good at

kissing (MORE than good…hehe), snuggling/spooning, bowling, pool, singing & dancing, some voice imitations, being quick-witted, reading people, debating, lots of trivia, and anything academic.

The first things people usually notice about me

It would have to be my killer sexy smile! (so i’ve been told)
I’ll also add my quite deep voice too! (yes, get ready to literally melt!) Oh, and I am 5’11″, NOT 5’10″! (damn site won’t save my changes…LOL)

My favorite books, movies, music, and food

LOTS of movies (comedy, adventure, mystery, romantic, sci-fi, horror), MOST types of music (except OLD country & classical), ITALIAN is my FAVORITE food!!!…love me some seafood too!

SOME OF MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE MOVIES: Planes, Trains, & Automobiles, Something About Mary, The Godfather I, II, & III, Good Fellas, The Untouchables, Armageddon, Independence Day, The Day After, Saw Series, Harry Potter Series, Lord of the Rings Triology, and soooo many more!
PLUS THESE ACTORS/ACTRESSES: Travolta, DeNiro, Pacino, Stallone, Liotta, (all the Italianos of course…LOL), Nick Cage, George Clooney, Harrison Ford, Sean Connery, Johnny Depp, Tom Hanks, Denzel Washington, Hugh Jackman, Russell Crow, Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Leonardo di Caprio, Richard Gere, Michael Douglas, Keanu Reeves, Hugh Grant, Robin Williams, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Martin Lawrence, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon & Ben Affleck…and the one and only Jamie Foxx! Angelina Jolie, Cameron Diaz, Demi Moore, Drew Barrymore, Meg Ryan, Reese Witherspoon, Sandra Bullock, Catherine Zeta Jones, Charlize Theron, Goldie Hawn, Gwyneth Paltrow, Hillary Swank, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jodie Foster, Kate Beckinsale, Kate Winslet, Keira Knightley Liv Tyler, Meryl Streep, Nicole Kidman, Renee Zellweger, Sharon Stone, & Susan Sarandon.

(Favorite MUSIC/ARTISTS is under construction…lol)

The six things I could never do without

My computer, TV, food, music, sweet tea (NY has nothing like it!), & being able to travel to new & exotic places!

I spend a lot of time thinking about

how I can help out my mom (who is retired) and make her remaining years as wonderful & memorable as possible…to thank her for all she has done for me…making it possible for me to have an exciting new career in healthcare! Without her, I would not have this bright future ahead!

On a typical Friday night I am

watching my primetime shows or my sports…wishing I had someone special to spend that time with…

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

Guess you will have to wait & find out later after we get to know each other better…hehe.

I’m looking for

Girls who like guys
Ages 27-46
Near me
Who are single
For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners

You should message me if

You are passionate, romantic & affectionate and want the same in return…
You have some intelligence and would like debating exciting topics (which when heated enough, can be even MORE fun…hehe)…
You enjoy traveling to new places & sightseeing…
You are (preferrably) a NON-smoker…but it’s negotiable…
You enjoy watching sports & having someone to do that with (or at least you can tolerate it!)…
You are confident in yourself (physical included) and in your abilities…
You KNOW you are a good kisser (bonus points for being a GREAT kisser!) and love to do it often (even in public)…
You totally thrive on new & exciting adventures…
You are CAUCASIAN & not older than 46…
I know it sounds like a LOT to ask, but please be at least MOST of the above if not all of those…fair enough?

This last part is very IMPORTANT…just think about it if you will…

All I ask is that you treat me with the same respect that I will treat you…meaning, you get an e-mail from me, PLEASE RESPOND…even if to say “thanks, but not interested”…keeping it sincere of course. It’s just a courtesy to reply to someone that might be waiting for something back. (and will take all of 2 mins.)
Yes, I know there isn’t always an attraction or the age difference is too much for one’s taste, but to me it’s ONLY a number. However, I will respect that being an issue for some of you.
Keep in mind most younger guys are NOT as mature and far less knowledgable & experienced (hint, hint…lol) as older ones!
Also, since compatability is based on that percentage you see…if we are 80% or more (especially in the 90′s) and there is mutual attraction…shouldn’t we explore that??? It would be crazy not to and besides…you will be missing out on something awesome…trust me on that!
I hope you enjoyed my inner thoughts and perhaps we will connect soon and ignite some sparks! I know how to get the fires burning, do you??? hehe

Alright… So, let’s summarize. You are living with your mother who is also likely paying for you to start a NEW AND EXCITING CAREER in medical billing and coding. You were kicked out of NY for saying things like “forgeddaboutit” and you’re something of a racist. You think kissing in public is something that should be spoken of only in parenthesis and yet you have a creepy obsession with being and seeking a GREAT kisser. You attempt to appeal to younger women by hint-hinting at your sexual experience.

And finally, you go on a short little bitch-rant about how you clearly don’t get any replies to the emails you send… Which, sadly, explains the instant messaging. I suppose having a woman tell you to fuck off is at least SOME interaction with the opposite sex.

That being said, because I am also a very short person, I think this gives me appropriate licence to make fun of this… little person. Disclaimer over.

BLACK MIDGET FROM NY NEEDS A SUGA MAMA…ASAP/TEMP…PLZ READ – 24

HEY LADIES THIS IS YOUR BOY ELIJAH FROM NY IM 24 HANDSOME OUTGOING VERY FUNNY AND LOVE TO DO ALL TYPES OF ACTIVITIES….WELL IM IN NEED OF A LITTLE HELP I NEED SOME ONE TO HELP ME REPLACE MY PHONE AND HELP ME GET TO ATL,,,I HAD OVER 23000 IN MY ACCOUNT IT ALL WAS TAKING…I HAVE DOCUMENTS TO PROVE IT…IM A ENTERTAINER/DANCER/STRIPPER/ACTOR….MY IPHONE WAS ROBBED AND THINGS WENT BAD…I WAS SUPPOSE TO MOVE TO ATL IN OCTOBER BUT IT DONT LOOK THAT WAY IM ASKING ANY LADIES OUT THERE TO HELP I NEED A PHONE ASAP AND I WILL KEEP IN CONTACT I WONT RUN UP NO BILL OR DO NO SUCH THING….WHEN I MOVE OUT THERE…IN MY FIRST YEAR I WILL BE MAKEING OVER 100K SO I WILL PAY WHICH EVER NICE WOMEN VERY SOON…IM A MIDGET SO THERES A HI-DEMAND FOR ME…..I HONESTLY JUST NEED A LITTLE HELP…IF SOMEONE HELPS ME ALL I ASK FOR AT THE MOMENT IS TO HELP ME GET A PHONE I STILL HAVE PPL THAT CALL ME FOR DIFFRENT EVENTS AND WHO WANNA BOOK ME………..IM NOT GIVING UP BECUZ I KNOW I WILL STILL MAKE IT…IM NOT GONNA QUITE…IF YU CANT LADIES ITS KOOL….HAVE A BLESSED DAY

Seriously… I could NOT make this stuff up. My biggest question is, “Where do you bank little man?” Because I want to be REAL sure that I don’t have an account there. Seriously? $23,000 just DISAPPEARED?! How… unfortunate.

Tell you what, WeeBro. I’m'a hook you up with one of those prepaid phones for $20 that I see at the gas station all the time. And you know, then you can put minutes on it with all the money you’re going to earn entertaining. (I’m entertained by this, aren’t you?)

When you have enough money saved up, give me a ring on that phone I got for you and I’ll help you figure out which one of your fingers will help you hitchhike to Atlanta.

And THEN! When we finally get to meet, WeeBro, I’m'a kick you in the nuts.

Are you fucking serious? What kind of lap dance are you going to be able to offer as a midget stripper? I am NOT googling that because I am getting ready to go make dinner and I’d like to keep my appetite. You guys, feel free. I know, for me, at 4′ 11 3/4″ (FUCK YOU – the 3/4″ counts asshole and yea, so what if it’s really probably more like a 1/2″ — I’M ROUNDING UP!), a lap dance is impossible unless I’m wearing stripper heels.

Are YOU going to wear stripper heels? Now that sounds like the kind of dancer that would be in high demand. A cross-dressing, black midget. The Clermont Lounge is calling you, baby. C’mere.

Thanks to JD at Shirt or Dress for this submission. Atlanta is CRAZY!

My balls need to be shaved. I need a pro to handle the job. 50 bucks

I hate being a hairy Italian bastard. My balls get so hairy and they are a bitch to shave.
I need a woman who knows her way around a razor and will shave my balls for me.

I’ll supply the razor and cream,you supply the enthusiasm

Let’s do this as soon as possible.

What’s with the urgency man? And really — how many women are really all that well versed in shaving a ballsack? It seems like a job that would require a pretty specific skill set and lots of experience.

Now I’m thinking of alternative ways to remove hair from nuts — would they even DO waxing for something like that? Apparently, they do (thanks Google). Oh, also? BARF ON YOUR FACE GOOGLE!

My god, what has become of me? This is all your fault, guys.

The most intensely erotic experience of your life

A candlelit room. Jazz playing lightly in the background. A soft bed.

You strip down and lay on your stomach on the bed. I apply some massage oil to your back and, beginning at your neck, work my muscular hands over your naked form. Slowly and firmly I remove all the tension from your entire body – head to toe – except for that new tension that forms in one little hidden spot.

Beside the bed, a towel soaks in a bowl of hot water. I gently drape the towel over your pubic region, opening the follicles and getting you ready for a clean, close shave. I apply some shaving cream – sensitive formula for such sensitive parts – and make sure that it is lathered over everything to be bared. A clean razor with a fresh cartridge begins to clear a path through the shaving cream and the hair it is coating. How much comes off depends on you and your desires – perhaps we go fully bare, or maybe a landing strip, or maybe even something creative.

Finally a clean, wet towel removes any excess cream and hair. Lotion is applied to the newly bared skin to make sure it stays smooth and moisturized. And then, hopefully, you will allow me to taste the fruits of my labors and to release that tension I built up in you during the massage and shave. Hurry…. my razor is waiting.

If this is something you’d like to try, please show me that you are a real person by putting the day of the week in the subject of your response

Cue infomercial voice: So for the best bikini shave you’ve ever had in your life, be sure to come on down to The Craigslist Crazy’s Cunt Confectionery where all your intimate shaving dreams can come true!

Seriously dude, you had your foot in the door with the massage because you spelled it correctly.

But come on. A) I’m not sure I’d EVER trust a boyfriend to shave my girly bits with a razor,  much less some DUDE I met off the internet — are you kidding me? B) You said “landing strip” and I’m going to rule you out just because you used that term. Your dick is not an aircraft. My vagina does not have  a landing strip. That’s the stupidest name for a style of cutting pubes ever.

Also… Lotion? So you’re telling me that if I just put lotion on after I shave my cunt, it will STAY smooth and moisturized? Oh, okay. I promise I won’t call you in two days when it starts itching like fucking chicken pox as it starts to grow back in. And how about we reconvene on day, say… six or seven… When I’ve got a nice little Miami Vice beard on my girly bits and let’s see how eager you are to go to town on that!

And you think that laying on my back, a stranger’s razor-wielding hand touching my fucking bits is going to be erotic for me? I bet it’ll feel real erotic when you nick me. That’s so hot. And it’s not really as simple as shaving a man’s face, man… We’ve got… well shit, let’s keep it real. Ladies have fucking lips. If you want those lips to be hairless, you’ve got to really um… go at things… from different angles. And… stuff. I promise, a job well done in this department is not at all erotic so much as hilarious to watch — bitches contorting themselves and cursing under their breath with a mirror in the crotch.

I suppose fetishes are fetishes, right? But seriously… Fellas… This isn’t your introductory move.