I have several different funny voice impersonations that I do… it can be crazy funny in the right atmosphere. I also have a fartbox on my iphone (which makes poopy noises real loud) that I like to set off in crowded places.

DUDE. Is that my tank top? Motherfucker. QUIT STRETCHING OUT MY CLOTHES! God Dammit!

]]> http://datewrecks.com/2010/03/ftwf-told-million-times/feed/ 1 http://datewrecks.com/2010/03/i-got-five-on-it/ http://datewrecks.com/2010/03/i-got-five-on-it/#comments Thu, 11 Mar 2010 04:25:16 +0000 Jami http://datewrecks.com/?p=4646 So, I saw a link on Facebook this week for Fiverr.com and, as is my custom, I’ll scroll through a new website and look for something even remotely Date Wrecks related.

Most of the time I come up short because the Date Wrecks tend to gather around the dating websites like slippery stanky pigs around the troff. Oink-Oink-SQUEAL.

But I found this! I was so excited! Here, let me explain.

Fiverr.com is this website where people can post something they would do or give to you for $5. The website keeps a dollar on every transaction, but it’s certainly an interesting idea.

There were some fairly righteous items up for grabs, I thought:

I will write and record a custom rap song on ANY subject or person for $5

Holy shit. I would listen to the SHIT out of something like that. Have you guys ever heard of this? Lady Raptastic is my BITCH. We go way back. Seriously, best way to spend a Friday night at home drinking with your best friend. You end up breaking up with your mailman because, c’mon asshole, his idea of splurging is saying ’super sized.’ So to actually get a CUSTOM rap song as a gift?? Oh, jeez. That would probably be one of the best ways to spend $5 I could even imagine.

I will make a virtual breast surgery for your wife or girlfriend (photo) for $5

SCORE! I’m sure we can farm out these services to a bunch of bitches online who need to doctor the ol’ pictures up for the personal ad, right?! I wonder what he would charge me to get rid of my stretch marks…? Or to color in my roots for me. I’d pay $5 for that shit.

I will create a newspaper dress for $5

Nothing says ‘couture’ quite like yesterday’s Weekly World News crumpled up around your ass and tits. But shit, it’s only five bucks. At the very least, you could just uncrinkle it all and read yesterday’s news.

I will translate any text to Icelandic for $5

Damn, Bjork. C’mon girl… I’d buy another chirpy, shreiky album. Don’t do this, girl… You’re worth more than this!

But there were two that really caught my eye. The first is… I mean, for $5, I think this could be reasonable. Coffee is expensive as shit now, guys.

I will go out to drink tea or coffee with you for $5

I am a 19 year old male and I enjoy meeting new people. I like to think that I am interesting and am very social.

If you live in the Asheville, NC area and want to go hang out downtown for an hour or so just send me a message.

I am always available on weekends and on most days during the week. If you want to grab a drink before you go to work, before class, or something like that I’m completely open.

I’m so social, I have to resort to selling myself for $4 profit online in order to get someone to sit down to drink their caffeine with me!

OR

I’m such a poor Ashe-villian hipster that I use this as an excuse to get $4 so that I can purchase my Organic, Fair Trade, Soy Latte w/ Stevia Sweetener.

The other doozie is this one which, I’m not really sure how anyone could pass on this EXCEPTIONAL bargain:

I will be your boyfriend for 24 hours. What a deal! (Orlando Only) for $5

I will be your BF for exactly 24 hrs. I will go out on dates with you, meet your friends/family, hold your hand, tell you are beautiful(even if you’re not), change my relationship status on Facebook, cuddle, argue and drive to all dates.

Terms & Conditions: Legal-age females only. Relationship ends exactly after 24 hours. Future friendship is a possibility. 50/50 split all bills during dates.
Sex is a possibility, but not guaranteed

So… Of course, I did some digging. Aaron Weiss was VERY easy to find, which makes me wonder what his friends might think about his $5 Man Whore’n. Google showed me Aaron’s personal website which is, yawn… No pictures! (Much like this post) and his Twitter, Facebook, AND MySpace.

So, Aaron, let’s talk business here. I’m really glad you’ve covered all the necessary points of having a fauxlationship with me — dates, meeting the parents, holding my hand, changing your facebook status, cuddling and arguing. Shit, you seem to be so far ahead of the curve that MAYBE, just MAYBE we wouldn’t even need more than 24 hours. All we need to make sure we include in our addendum to the contract here is that you need to make sure you steal all of my good DVDs and CDs and I’ll make sure to sign you up for as many porn/mailing list/spammy email subscriptions as possible. You’ll tell your friends that I have a stanky vagina, I’ll tell all my friends that you cried during sex. Then, and only then, will we have all the fibers that, when properly woven, make a really beautiful fauxlationship.

I just… I can’t imagine what would possess a person to not only create a post like this on a website but to do it so Non-nonymously. So, *waves* Hi Aaron. Way to go! Hypothetically speaking, if your proposition gave me a girl boner at all, the fact that you have a MySpace page would have made it so fucking soft, dude. So soft.

You’re my favorite jackass trying to get a date on the internet (for this week, at least)!

You guys go post your Fiverr listings. And, dangit, somebody go buy me a custom rap song. Seriously.

My boyfriend can’t come from vaginal sex or oral sex, he can only come from jerking himself off after we’ve had sex. It’s not really a problem I guess because he does take care of me first, but it makes me feel bad about myself. What is wrong with me? It’s insulting to work hard to get him off only to have to give up and let him do it for me. He assures me that he enjoys sex with me, but without the big finish I’m left feeling slighted.

Thanks,

Fed Up

Possibly one of the most deafening sounds that can be made in the bedroom is the frustrated and exhausted sounds of a dude trying so desperately to make your pearl necklace appear. The exasperated grunts of your man and your desperate attempt to keep your o-face on while he pumps into you like a jackhammer — no doubt, it sucks.

Your problem isn’t unusual though, as every dude and every dick are different. As bad as you feel about the situation, imagine how he feels.

It could be that you have a cavernous vagina and therefore, don’t provide the friction that his expulsion needs. It could be that he has a pencil dick and no matter how many vaginal rejuvenations you underwent, he’d still be tossing his hot dog down the hallway. Maybe it’s his physical condition — his dick wants two hours of hot sex but his heart and lungs can only muster up fifteen minutes before his clammy body gives up to exhaustion. Maybe he needs really HARD stimulation and you’re going to need to gnaw on his member and draw blood BEFORE you can draw semen.

Really though, whatever his issue is, you don’t need to feel responsible for his inability to splooge from intercourse in spite of what Bernard Apfelbaum suggests. Ol’ Bernie has studied “retarded ejaculation” and believes that not being able to come during sex is attributed to a low level of arousal. Of course, my rebuttal to Mr. AppleBottom is this: If my dude can get an erection when he sees my lady bits, clearly there is some level of arousal.

One of my exboyfriends couldn’t come from sex and it was baffling to me. I mean, everybody knows I’ve got an ego on me, so the idea that he COULDN’T get off was a mind bender. Dude. Come on. It’s me. Look at me! After a lot of talking and frustrated arguments and insecurity-fueled tears, we figured out that it was due to two things: mostly, he was afraid of getting me pregnant and, in addition, the way that he jerked off was totally different than the way his pee fit into my vee.

Yes, intercourse felt GOOD to him, but he couldn’t get past the mental block of impregnating me and being responsible for a bunch of mini-Jamis running around. We tried different positions and he switched up the way that he jerked off a little bit and gradually, he learned on his own, with no pressure from the naked chick laying under him, how to control his orgasms.

But let’s not be too hard on the guys — I mean, how many women can climax from vaginal intercourse? Only twenty percent!

In my situation, after I explained to him (with websites and pamphlets) how effective my birth control choice was and we agreed to track my ovulation (it eased his mind to know when my “most fertile” times were). I also gave him space to finish his way sometimes, without worry of hurt feelings or judgments on my part.

You’re on the right track, Fed Up. Rest assured, nothing is wrong with your hoo-hoo and nothing is wrong with his dingaling.

Love,

DW

Fabiolite : Romance, Friendship, Success, Fun.

About Me:

Romance is more important than sex; and comedy is more important than anything.I have studied and worked in movies, so thay may be a talking point. I like danceable music, reality TV and fashion more than most hetro guys.
Re:Questions and snide remarks about the silver motorcycle jacket picture- Direct your comments to the designers at Dolce and Gabbana who set the trend for metalic leather in 2008-9, got $3900 per jacket, and helped me screen broke – assed, fashion illiterates like you out of my social life.

First Date:

Sharing an elegant meal where we can talk works for me as a first date. IF YOU ARE MORE THAN 3 YEARS OLDER AND 10 LBS. FATTER THAN YOUR PICTURE, PLEASE, DO NOT WASTE MY TIME WITH YOUR FALSE ADVERTISING; I AM ONLY GOING TO RESENT THE FACT THAT YOU DRAGGED ME ALL THE WAY OUT TO MEET JABBA THE HUT INSTEAD OF THE GIRL ON THE PICTURE. Show 3 pictures or no meeting.

I… I’m in shock. I just can’t understand how someone this… ugly… and old (dude is NOT 38)… and with such poor fashion sense thinks so highly of himself. God, the west coast is a particularly strange.

Now, to discuss the pictures, of course, we’ll start with his silver jacket. The first image that came to mind was that he’s jockin Gonzo’s style, yo.

Though, to be fair, Gonzo’s got the matching hat, so… I’m pretty sure everyone knows that Fabio here is just a poser.

If you needed further evidence, let’s discuss the jacket in more detail. A quick google search reveals that Golce & Gabbana DID, in fact, have a silver jacket in their line recently. The jackets that I found, here and here, are both women’s jackets and are actually cute. They don’t look like the vinyl hologram trapper keepers from when I was in junior high.

Can you imagine how SWEATY you would get wearing a plastic/vinyl jacket in southern California??

So, let’s go over the facts: Dude has a bowl cut/mullet and is VERY proud of his women’s fake D&G silver jacket and has a penchant for shaved-headed men that are shorter than him (either for just picture taking or… who knows).

Speaking of bowl cut/mullets, does he remind you of a certain Peter Pan afficionado (careful, there’s music that plays on that website — it’s really terrible. Who DOES that anymore??)?

Here’s a side by side comparison:

I’ve got an eye for this kind of thing. What can I say? I have been given many gifts in life.

You guys got any more talking points?

This one in particular struck me as it’s a video he’s posted in response to all of the replies he’s been getting from his Craigslist personals ad.

BWAH! God, sorry. That was a really difficult sentence to type out with a straight face. Anyway, here’s the video. It makes me wonder if he was already a total weirdo or if lonely nights on craigslist turned him into a weirdo.

Now, remember this next time you consider responding to a personal ad on Craigslist. Let that be a lesson to you!