Date Wrecks:

The Personals Critic

Born to a viking father and an Iroqois mother in Smalltown, Vermont, The Personals Critic learned at an early age how to handle sharp farm implements, which helped him hone his rapier wit. He is the youngest of 175 siblings, and having so many brothers and sisters meant that as soon as he could walk he went to work, milking cows, shucking corn, and splitting atoms. As a child he was passionately indifferent about a multitude of subjects, and suffered from delusions of adequacy. By the age of 5 he could drag race a tractor, which meant he could plow an entire field in under eleven seconds. There was no television, so the only source of entertainment was the radio, books, and a chemistry set, which was only used to make pets following a disastrous attempt at building a younger brother.

Eventually The Personals Critic traded in the horse and buggy for a Chevy Cavalier, venturing off the farm and into the big world of entertainment. A budding standup comedy career was cut short due to a knee injury, so he traded in his microphone for a microphone and ended up in radio, due to his uncanny ability to speak in complete and coherent sentences. Over the course of his illustrious 15 year career he developed a devoted fan base, which was dropped like a hot load when it was discovered that small town radio pays jack shit.

So, it was back to the farm, where the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the dung heap was overflowing, which makes you wonder what the birds were singing about, especially in that blazing sun. In his spare time The Personals Critic is a freelance comedy writer for a nationally syndicated radio comedy service, an audio specialist cleaning up wiretap conversations for private investigators, and of course, a personals critic. He also recently developed a highly effective weight loss program called “Stop Buying Groceries”. Goals include finishing his zombie musical, titled “Night Of The Singing Dead”, learning the difference between Tai Chi and Chai Tea, and going back to school to get a dual degree in veterinary medicine and taxidermy, so no matter what happens, you get your dog back.

Look for new columns by The Personals Critic running on Saturdays and our collaboration, He Said – She Said on Wednesdays.